


Something Good

by elphiemolizbethbau



Series: Something Good [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Romance, Sexual assault recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 02:07:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 56,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21989713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elphiemolizbethbau/pseuds/elphiemolizbethbau
Summary: After several months of dating, Amanda feels compelled to finally address how being a survivor is affecting her and Olivia's physical relationship. The two take the time to have a conversation that will help guide them into a journey of exploring more intimacy and feeling safe with each other. TRIGGER WARNING. FEMSLASH. Multi-chapter PWP.
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Amanda Rollins
Series: Something Good [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1747219
Comments: 35
Kudos: 68





	1. Just Any Survivor

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Here's some additional information about what you are about to read:  
> It is established Rolivia(they have been dating for around six months). It takes place somewhere around season 17. It is slightly AU in that William Lewis never happened, but Patton did. The SVU team consists of Olivia, Amanda, Fin, and Carisi. Declan and Jesse don't and won't exist. This will eventually be porn with a plot (a rather significant plot, but PWP nonetheless). I've never written for SVU before, so I hope this isn't too OOC.  
> I apologize for the disgustingly long A/N, but I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subjects of sexual assault and explicit sex. There will be no depiction of rape in the story, but there will be discussion of it. SANGST TO COME!  
> Here we go!

Part 1: Just Any Survivor

"How are you doing?" Sergeant Olivia Benson asked softly, turning to her girlfriend as she sat casually on her barstool. The SVU squad had decided to go out for the evening, as a small celebration of their first guilty verdict in several months. Barba had opted not to join, but it was clear that the turnout had been a relief for the ADA. He knew SVU didn't come with much justice, but it was still painful to lose such important cases. Olivia's question came after a prolonged silence from the blonde, and her deep pensiveness had worried the older woman.

Amanda's head moved vigorously, almost like a dog shaking water from its fur, offering Olivia an unconvincing smile. "I'm good," she lied, almost believing it herself. Olivia gave her a reassuring smile and a small squeeze to the upper thigh, allowing her fingers to play softly with the fabric of the jeans below them. The gesture was not unwelcome, but the brunette knew it probably wasn't enough. Olivia knew all too well how the long spell of losses had affected Amanda, who may have been the only person in the world that could convince the longtime SVU detective she cared as much about their survivors as she did.

"If you want to talk-" Olivia tried to start, immediately being interrupted by Amanda, who she had not expected to be so willing to share.

"It's just—" The blonde giggled, noticing they had both spoken at once.

Olivia decided to hush herself in order to allow Amanda to say what she wanted to say. She nodded in her direction, encouraging her gently to continue.

"It's just…" she repeated, trailing off. Amanda took a deep breath. She knew that Olivia would empathetically listen to anything she said to her, but she couldn't help but feel like a burden any time she opened up. It's not like Amanda was the only person in the world to ever survive sexual assault. In fact, that was exactly the point. She was just any survivor. What made a survivor deserve justice more than another? "I'm so glad Aimee got justice, I really am. But I can't stop thinkin' about Kristen and Margarita and Emet and Virginia and Jasmine." She named the last five survivors whose cases SVU had worked, two of them being young children, pointing out that each of their assailants had walked free without even a slap on the wrist. "And…and…." Amanda sighed breathily, and Olivia knew she was referring to herself.

"The perps who are brought to justice seem random," Olivia reflected back to her girlfriend, summarizing her thoughts, and clarifying she had understood, a habit the sergeant had picked up from her own time in therapy.

Amanda nodded. "I'm not, like envious. That's not what I'm sayin'. It just…"

"Doesn't make sense?" Olivia offered with a sad smile.

"Exactly." The older woman remained silent for a moment, considering her options and her knowledge of two facts about her girlfriend of six months.  
One, when with a person she trusted, touch was Amanda's ultimate love language. In the moment, there was nothing a gentle caress or squeeze couldn't set right.  
But then there was 2. Because it had been less than a year since Amanda first admitted to being a survivor out loud, there were many things that came along with the unfortunate title that made the woman uncomfortable. And being outwardly comforted in a public space surrounded by their friends might earn the opposite of the desired effect.  
Olivia decided to clandestinely glance at Fin and Carisi, who were borderline trashed, and learned that both men were none the wiser about the conversation unfolding next to them.  
Amanda noticed her girlfriend glance at the men and had an idea of what she was trying to accomplish when the brunette made intentional eye contact with her. The feeling of looking into Olivia's eyes and having her own pools of blue searched and scanned wasn't something she'd expected to love so much. But there was something about it that made her feel truly seen and truly safe, both sensations she hadn't experienced before Olivia. Once the two had established eye contact, Olivia slowly allowed her forehead to move towards Amanda's, watching carefully for any signs of hesitation. This is how any physical intimacy went with the two, Olivia always noticing the tension in Amanda's body before the blonde had gathered the courage to ask for a break. Because of this, they had never managed to go beyond "second base", as sexually minded heterosexual men often called it. What that meant for the two women is that all clothes stayed on at all times unless they were alone. Olivia knew what had happened the last time Amanda had asked a "partner" to slow down ("partner" was the word Amanda had agreed to use with Olivia to avoid referring to anyone she had slept with by name), and she didn't have a hard time imagining why asking for a break would be difficult for her now. She just hoped that with time the blonde would learn to trust her, and she was willing to wait for as long as was necessary.  
Amanda smiled softly as their foreheads met, wondering if Olivia would go in for a kiss. She loved kissing her girlfriend, and if she knew expectations would end there, she would enjoy the activity even more. She knew Olivia didn't expect anything of her and definitely didn't feel entitled to her body, but she knew that sex was long overdue in their relationship. It's just what couples did, and definitely way before their six-month mark. The young detective concluded that Olivia would likely not kiss her in this bar, not next to a drunk Fin and Carisi, and definitely not while she was in a vulnerable state. 

Amanda sighed, slightly disappointed, and not quite knowing how to ask for the physical attention anyway. She wondered if reassurance would help. "I really am okay, you know," she said slowly, her eyes wandering to Olivia's plump lips. "Just having some processing time," she finished with a soft chuckle.

Olivia nodded, deciding after one last look into thoughtful blue orbs that it would be okay to press a quick kiss to the skin of Amanda's nose. It was a compromise they could both live with. "Processing is good," the brunette murmured against soft skin.

The atmosphere between the two women soon again became relaxed, which was convenient since after a short time, Carisi, on his sixth beer in maybe two hours, had announced a game of "Never Have I Ever." Because Amanda had decided to not drink, they resorted to the old school method of putting down fingers when they had done something another player had never done. They had played this before a few years ago, Olivia and Fin losing in only slightly more rounds than they had fingers for. Carisi's Catholic boy past had given him an advantage that none of the other three had, but Amanda had previously resorted to lying in order to look like she had ever done anything salacious.

The game was going alright, and all four LEOs found themselves laughing lightheartedly together. Eventually, Olivia and Fin were out, and Carisi was trying to be creative enough to deliberately get Amanda to drop the last of her fingers. "Hmm…" the man thought for a moment. "Never have I ever—" he paused for dramatic effect—"slept with someone of the same sex," he finished.

Amanda felt her heart skip a beat. There was no way she was going to be able to conceal her micro expressions from her colleagues who'd studied human behavior. The detective knew that if a mirror had been held up in front of her face at that exact moment, she would learn that her cheeks were beat red, her skin was clammy, and her brow was furrowed fearfully. There was no getting out of this one. She halfway registered the feeling of Olivia's hand on her thigh, likely an attempt to ground her without drawing attention to them. Carisi and Fin both knew Olivia was her first relationship in a significant amount of time, and maybe she was her first relationship with another woman, but Carisi reasoned that surely, she had slept with the sergeant by now. It had been six months!  
The men took Amanda's reaction for one of embarrassment and decided to tease their friend and colleague before Olivia could offer a change in subject. "C'mon, Amanda, just put your last finger down. I won fair and square."

Fin, who was even more intoxicated than the junior detective on their team, put the nail in their coffin. "No reason to be upset, 'Manda," he slurred. "I'd be proud to put that finger down if someone was giving me like nine orgasms a night."

It took Fin a moment, but Carisi knew immediately the older man had gone too far, shoving his arm in an effort to get him to sober up. There was no use, however, because in an instant the blonde had ripped Olivia's hand off of her, jumped off her barstool, and bounded into the fresh air.  
Fin didn't come to his senses until Olivia stared daggers into him as she stood up, a look that clearly stated, "we're going to talk later." The look of horror that suddenly took over the features of Fin's face ordinarily would have made Liv falter, but they both knew he deserved to feel bad in that moment.

Carisi's voice, laced with Bronx-given passion, brought Olivia back to attention. "I got him, go take care of her."

Her.

Shit.

In her furious haze, Olivia hadn't even had time to notice what door the woman she loved had exited. She decided to just pick one and hope for the best. As she spotted the blonde, she thanked her lucky stars that something had been made easy for her that night. Amanda was curled up in a corner alley, her hands rubbing against her bare arms for warmth in the chilly night—Olivia immediately took off her own jacket during her approach. Noticing the puddle of vomit to Amanda's left, the sergeant intentionally sat to her girlfriend's right, not saying anything, but gently handing her the jacket.

"Thanks," Amanda muttered, her voice scratchy due to her fairly forceful retching. Both women were silent for a few moments as the blonde wrapped the jacket around her body, inhaling deeply. She almost hated how Olivia's scent made her feel. She almost wished she didn't trust her girlfriend so much. At least then, her actions tonight would be justified. Amanda changed her train of thought. "Is Fin dead?" she asked nonchalantly.

Olivia failed at preventing a small smile from forming on her lips. "Not yet." She sighed turning to Amanda. "We will definitely have words at some point." She paused. "But I'm more worried about you right now." She reached into the purse she was grateful she had grabbed as she ran out of the bar and revealed a bottle of water, which she opened slowly before offering it to her girlfriend. 'Do you think you can drink a little?"

Amanda nodded, gratefully taking the drink from Olivia before gulping down half the bottle. She vaguely remembered being told once that survivors of natural disasters and other forms of trauma were often given water as quickly as possible to help their bodies and minds heal. She suppressed a chuckle at the thought that maybe she wouldn't be so messed up if the first thing she had done after her rape was find the nearest water fountain.

"I didn't lose the game," was the next thing she said. Olivia looked at her questioningly. "Never Have I Ever slept with someone of the same sex." Amanda took another glug of the water bottle, imagining it were one hundred fifty proof vodka.

Olivia's calm didn't waver for even a moment. "I imagined that may be the case."

"I just kind of fell in love with you, you know." She went for another swig from the bottle, realizing it was empty. The brunette realized at the same time, and soon she produced a second bottle of water, handing it over. "You really should have been a Girl Scout, Liv." Amanda opened the bottle quickly. "Always motherfuckin' prepared," she singsonged after a small sip of water. Feeling better by the minute, she thought sarcastically. Thanks water!

Amanda was surprised for a moment that Olivia wasn't speaking, and then she realized—she wanted the blonde to share what she wanted at her own pace. She was Sergeant Benson-ing her! In Olivia's defense, the woman had made a career out of this type of interviewing, and she was unbelievably good at it. Amanda was starting to get uncomfortable. She didn't want to be just another one of Liv's survivors. She wanted to be Liv's. Period. "Baby, can you please say something?"

"Of course, love," the older woman soothed, moving her body even closer to her girlfriend's as a source of comfort—and heat. "I just didn't want to interrupt you if you were still wanting to say something."  
Amanda decided to initiate contact, knowing she wouldn't get it in this vulnerable state unless she explicitly requested it. She didn't blame Olivia for being careful. She just wished she didn't have to be. The blonde closed the remaining distance between them, reaching for the arm that was nearest to her and encasing herself fully in it.

Warm.

That was the best way to describe Olivia. She was just warm. Always. Physically so, of course, and Amanda looked forward to being wrapped up in her arms for as long as she would have her, but Olivia's mere presence exuded a loving heat that the blonde had only just begun to process. People were drawn to the brunette because she cared about people in a way that was just so extraordinarily rare. And to be on the receiving end of that kind of tenderness and true warmth was the luckiest thing Amanda had ever experienced.

Olivia was glad that Amanda had reached out for her. She had also been craving physical contact, but never wanted to assume something was okay and didn't want to excessively ask at the risk of making her girlfriend anxious.

Liv took a moment to squeeze Amanda tightly to her, willing her to believe that everything was going to be okay, relieved when the blonde responded by laying her head on Olivia's shoulder. "If it makes you feel any better, I've never slept with a man. So, we're both picky."

The sergeant fully expected Amanda to laugh at that and was confused when she didn't. The blonde was quite keen on self-deprecating humor and was always desperate to lighten the mood. It didn't seem like she wanted to anymore. There was a pregnant pause before Amanda next spoke. "I wish I was that lucky."

Not much jarred Olivia Benson. She had been on the receiving end of spit, batons, violent hands, and even attempted rape, but this was the first time in a long time that she felt a knot forming in her stomach. What was Amanda, who was most definitely the love of her life, confessing to her? As the sergeant slowly pulled away from her girlfriend in order to get a better look at her face as they spoke, she felt Amanda hold on to her tighter. "Wait."

She paused almost involuntarily at the word. "Please let me explain."

In a moment of weakness, Olivia let herself press her lips to the blonde head that still attempted to rest on her shoulder. "Mm." She could tell that Amanda was uncomfortable with the conversation they were having, but definitely still wanted to have it. She could also tell that she desperately needed comfort and reassurance. Amanda was consistently afraid that Olivia would leave her, and the brunette needed her to know that no matter what, she was in this for the long haul. So she pressed a second lingering kiss into her hair.

Amanda closed her eyes at the sensation, wanting so deeply to savor and cherish any touch that felt good. The thought was still almost foreign to her, but she gave in to it. She knew Olivia better than anyone, and she wasn't going anywhere. "It's probably not what you think," Amanda decided to start, still feeling soft pressure against her scalp, and after a second she noticed Olivia had replaced her lips with her hand and had started slowly and tenderly massaging the usually well-kept curls that had been disturbed by the wind.

Olivia knew that if her desire to find out what Amanda wanted to tell her seemed urgent, her girlfriend would feel too much pressure to feel safe when sharing. The older woman decided to slow things down a bit. "I definitely want to hear what you have to say, 'Manda," she started, "but it's cold outside and it's after midnight. What do you think about continuing this at home?"  
It was a genuine question, and Olivia was ready to react appropriately to whatever answer Amanda was going to give her. The brunette felt, rather than saw, her girlfriend nod. "Yeah, that sounds good. Can we tell the boys that we're okay? I don't want to worry them, and I don't want Fin to think I hate him."

Olivia stood up first and then reached down to grab one of Amanda's icy hands, supporting her as she slowly stood up. "I'll text Sonny when we get in the car." The blonde surrendered her other hand over to her girlfriend when she beckoned for it. "You're so cold," she observed, using her thumbs to rewarm the flesh beneath them. "Let's get you home."

"Do you want some tea or hot chocolate?" Olivia offered as they entered their apartment and Amanda took off Liv's coat.

Amanda shook her head. "I just want to sit down and talk if that's okay."

Olivia allowed Amanda to guide her into their living room, and they sat down on their couch together, facing each other. "I know what you're worried about," the blonde started, earning a nod from Liv. "And I didn't mean to scare you. The truth is more complicated than that."

She had hoped Olivia would be relieved at that, but the brunette knew that there was a thousand ways for sexual assault to occur, especially if it's "complicated." Liv wanted her to continue, so she gave her an encouraging nod, reaching out to take one of her hands. For the night, at least, she had decided to surrender to her desire to comfort Amanda, knowing that it took a lot more than a soothing gesture to make her anxious. "You can tell me anything," she assured. "I mean it," she promised, knowing that Amanda was not easily convinced.

"I grew up in Georgia. I was told I was gonna grow up, marry any man I could find, have missionary sex, and create as many children as possible, and goddammit, I was gonna love it. I watched my parents' marriage fall apart in front of me. I watched my mom cry herself to sleep every night, bruises forming all over her body. One night, I heard more cryin' than usual, and then through my window, I watched my dad leave in his truck, the smell of cigarette smoke wafting up to my room. He was gone for three months. Six months after he got back, my sister was born. That's what husbands and wives did." Amanda paused for a moment to steady herself, her eyes begging for support from Olivia. The brunette reached to tenderly wipe a tear away, a tear Amanda didn't even notice was present. Liv's fingers lingered on Amanda's cheek for a moment. "Keep going when you're ready."

The truth is Olivia didn't quite know where Amanda was going with this story, but she knew that her girlfriend wasn't one to openly share much about her past, and it was clear the dam was breaking. The sergeant was going to do whatever she could to keep that dam open.

The blonde took a shaky breath. "I've always known I liked girls." That shocked Olivia. She had always thought their relationship was an exception. "I mean, I never acted on it. I wasn't lyin' about that. The truth is I had to make a choice. A choice between possibly finding happiness while facin' the real possibility of being murdered by my father or bein' miserable and possibly bein' murdered by a man like my father. I chose the latter. I don't know why. I guess my Southern indoctrination was too strong. None of the men I dated were outright abusive, but they weren't concerned with my comfort, and they certainly weren't concerned with my pleasure. A girl at my high school got caught touchin' herself and no one heard from her again, so I never did that either. And then after Patton, well I just decided I was never going to have sex again. It always hurt and it made me feel dirty, and I was done with feeling that way." A blush had formed on Amanda's cheeks, and though Olivia's constant caress didn't make the color fade at all, the blonde desperately needed to be grounded in the present moment. "I didn't leave because of what Carisi said," she began to conclude, Olivia deciding to drop her hand to rest it on top of Amanda's. "I was embarrassed and upset of course—because what kind of crazy person spends six months in a relationship without sex?!"

Olivia desperately wanted to interrupt, to assure her that nothing about their situation was abnormal, wanted to tell her that she was so brave for sharing what she had, wanted to tell her that she'd rather never have sex again than have sex with anyone other than Amanda, but the brunette knew Amanda needed to finish her story, needed the catharsis of finally talking about this, so she restrained herself.

"What really got me…was—"

Olivia heard her voice crack and could barely allow her to finish. "Please take your time sweetheart. Don't rush it. I'm not going anywhere." The brunette had prayed for months for this moment to come, had wished upon a star, begged any higher power she could think of to help Amanda feel comfortable talking to her, but she couldn't have imagined how painful it would be to hear about her struggle. She had been an outcry witness for hundreds of people, had listened to the most disturbing disclosures possible, but she didn't know if her body could physically handle Amanda's anguish.

"I had to leave when I heard Fin's comment." Olivia had to take a moment to remember what he had said, and in an instant, she realized what her girlfriend was trying to tell her.

"Oh."

In her exhausted panic, Amanda began to ramble. "God, I'm so sorry, Liv, I-I know this isn't what you signed up for when we started dating. I'm almost forty years old, you shouldn't have to teach me how to have sex. I mean, nine? He thinks every night, I have nine—"

"Amanda." Olivia's tone wasn't abrasive, but it wasn't as gentle as the blonde was used to. It got her attention right away, which was it's intended effect. Liv's voice grew softer. "I need you to take a deep  
breath, baby, and I need you to say what you've been trying to tell me, okay?"

"I think you figured it out though."

Olivia smiled lovingly, allowing herself her first deep breath in a while. "I think you need to say it out loud, and then we need to talk about what it means for you. One step at a time."

"Okay, um….I've…I've never had an orgasm?"

"Is that a question?" Olivia wasn't trying to make this harder on Amanda. Quite the contrary, actually, Olivia knew that the blonde needed practice speaking her truth aloud. It was the only way to move forward. If Amanda could be honest with Olivia without sugarcoating facts, then their path towards intimacy may be more straightforward.

"No, it's not," Amanda decided. "I've never had an orgasm. Not once."

Olivia gave a swift nod. "Okay."

"Okay? You're not upset?"

Olivia sighed. "Of course I'm upset." She kept her voice intentionally low as she spoke. "It hurts me to know that there were men who wouldn't care enough to make you feel good, or even make sure you weren't in pain. It breaks my heart that you've never experienced one of the most fundamental aspects of human expression and connection. And it's absolutely devastating to know that you think there is something wrong with you because of it."

Amanda didn't know what to say, so she though carefully for a moment. "Ever since I was a kid, all the messages I was receiving told me that when someone touches you in that way, it hurts. And then when I experienced it, all my fears were confirmed. And then Patton happened, and it came to a point where I didn't understand why people had sex at all. So, I just gave up. I should have tried harder."

"You tried hard enough," Olivia assured tearfully, uttering a mantra she had heard directed at dozens of other women. "You survived." Of course, Liv then had to edit it to make it work for their situation. "You survived, Amanda, and now you can live. It'll take time, but I want to support you in your journey to feel something good. Because you deserve it. You deserve that and you deserve so much more, baby." She took one more deep breath, taking in the site of the woman in front of her. "You look so tired, my love. Do you think sleep sounds like a good idea?"

Amanda nodded, not sure how to take it all in, but knowing that Olivia wanted to stay. At this point, that's all that mattered. Normally, the blonde was so confident at work, busting perps and supporting survivors in a way that could rival Olivia's efforts. But at home, she was always much more reserved with Olivia, and the brunette couldn't appreciate the courage her girlfriend was exhibiting more if she tried. She felt herself physically drawn to Amanda, but in the midst of the new context she had been given, didn't know how close she was to crossing a boundary.

Olivia reached out a hand to finger a tendril of Amanda's hair that had come out of her ponytail in the course of the evening. "Can I give you a quick hug?" she asked, more shyly than usual.

Amanda decided to latch on to her bravery. "Actually, can I have a kiss?"

Olivia would be lying if she said she weren't surprised at the proposition.

"I don't know if I've ever told you," the blonde began by way of explanation, "but I really like it when you kiss me. It makes me feel safe."

The brunette's smile gave away almost everything she wanted to relay to Amanda in that moment, and the kiss they shared took care of the rest. The blonde reveled in the sensation, for the first time in a long time, looking forward to what was to come. She felt Olivia's hand come to rest in her hair and she hummed softly in appreciation.

They were getting somewhere.


	2. At The End of The Rainbow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you so much for the kudos and subscriptions guys! This is a topic that is really important to me, so if you guys like this story, then it’s even more special. I don’t expect this story to be much longer than five chapters or so, but I don’t write ahead, so chapter 3 hasn’t been written yet. That being said, if there is something specific anyone wants to see within the lens of this story, then please let me know—I’d be happy to incorporate your ideas! Reviews/comments encourage me to write faster!  
> I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subjects of sexual assault and explicit sex. ANGST TO COME!

Something Good  
Part 2-At the End of the Rainbow

Amanda woke up the next morning to the hushed sound of Olivia's voice on the phone and the feeling of a soft hand rubbing slow lines up and down her back. She ignored the urge to sigh at the sensation, not wanting her girlfriend to know she was awake just yet. Keeping her eyes closed, Amanda focused on the words she heard.

"She's okay, Sonny."

"Yeah, it was a long night for her."

"No, it wasn't your fault, and it really wasn't Fin's either. It was bound to happen eventually."

"Yeah, no it definitely still wasn't okay for him to say what he did."

"Yeah, could you do that? I'd appreciate it."

"Okay, Carisi, I'll talk to you later."

"Okay, I will. Bye."  
After Olivia hung up the phone, Amanda could tell the brunette was watching her. She heard her girlfriend sigh and then felt warm fingers in her hair. "I know you're awake." A pause lingered in the air as Amanda tried to convince Olivia she was wrong. "Your breathing sped up," the sergeant observed with a gentle laugh.

Amanda groaned, rolling over and opening her eyes simultaneously. "That's not fair! How do you know I wasn't trying to sleep?"

"By all means," Olivia invited, gesturing to the bed under them, "continue."

"Nah, I'm awake now," Amanda grumbled, settling into her pillow and facing Olivia, who was holding herself up with one elbow. "What time is it?"

"A little after noon," Olivia commented, reaching out to intertwine her fingers with Amanda's. "It looked like you slept well. I've been up for a little while."

"Mm. What did Carisi say?" Amanda took a moment to stretch a bit, noting some soreness in her body. She must have fallen asleep in a pretty tense position. Is wasn't uncommon, but the blonde hated waking up like this. It felt like she needed an oil can.

"He was just checking in."

"I'm sorry 'bout all of the hullabaloo, Liv. Last night was supposed to be fun." Amanda didn't want to feel guilty, and she knew on a logical level that she had no reason to feel bad for the events of last night. But she couldn't help how she felt. What you know and what you feel are two entirely different things.

"No need to apologize, baby," Olivia reassured, reaching out with her spare hand to pull Amanda closer to her. "I'm glad we finally got to talk some things through."

Amanda's gaze shifted from Olivia's chocolate orbs to the bedsheets below them. 'Do you think this is weird?"

Liv raised an eyebrow. "Do I think what's weird?" she inquired.

"That we live together and sleep in the same bed. Most couples have sex before they're that committed." Amanda hated how caught up on this she was, and the taste of the words as they came off her tongue was bitter. Ever since she was young, she was the weird kid, the kid with the revolving door dad, the closeted kid, the late bloomer. She just wanted to be normal, and she wanted her and Olivia to be a normal couple.

"Lots of couples do lots of things before other things, Amanda," Liv gently explained. "We don't have to be like them. We just have to be like us. I, for one, really value the intimacy this affords us. We don't have to be sexual to connect, you know."

"But I want to be," Amanda softly admitted before continuing, volume rising as she spoke. "I never thought I would crave it like this, but now that I'm with you, it just makes sense. I want it so bad, Liv, sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. How can I need something I'm afraid of so badly?"

This got Olivia's attention. In less than twelve hours, the blonde had gone from declaring she had never wanted to have sex again to practically begging for it. The older woman couldn't imagine how frustrating it must be to live inside Amanda's brain sometimes. She felt so deeply for her, and she wished she had an easy answer in response.

The brunette sighed, remaining quiet for a moment. She watched as Amanda studied her features. The detective feared she had finally gone too far, spilling too much trash into the landfill of their relationship. Olivia decided to just tell her girlfriend what she was thinking. "I wish I had an easy answer for you, baby, I really do." The brunette's hand had been still on Amanda's upper back until then, but Olivia tended to want to use touch in situations where words wouldn't suffice. The blonde was still (likely involuntarily) pulling her body even closer to her girlfriend's, burying her face in her shirt and closing her eyes, so the brunette figured it was a safe bet that she too wanted more contact. Olivia allowed herself to trace soothing circles over Amanda's tank top, deciding to speak again once the blonde's eyes met hers. "What I do have is the ability to work through all of this with you. You don't have to go through this alone. I'm here to help you process, okay?"

The blonde nodded. "I just don't want to be shrink-ed, you know?" Olivia hummed in response, knowing Amanda's thoughts on therapy. "I'm not tryin' to say that I think therapy is useless. I really don't feel that way, but I'm not the kind of person who can just sit in front of a stranger and spill my tragedies like casual conversation."  
Olivia knew this about her girlfriend. Amanda was the opposite of an open book; she was wrapped up and packed securely for a trip to Mars or something. But the one thing Amanda had on her side was intimate knowledge of the process. She knew how it worked, and Olivia was probably the closest person to a mental health professional she would ever feel comfortable confiding in. And Amanda definitely didn't want to see a sex therapist. "Well, I'm not a stranger," Olivia pointed out. "And I'm definitely not looking for you to spill your tragedies, not unless you want to. What I want," she explained, "is an exchange of thoughts. I want you to be able to tell me what you're feeling in the moment. And you know, honey, I don't expect that to be easy for you. But I do think that it will be possible."

"I think so too."

"Yeah?"

Amanda nodded. "The thing is…."

Olivia nodded back. "I'm listening, sweetheart. Keep going."

"I don't even know where to start with this whole sex thing. Navigating consent is important of course, but I don't think that's our issue." Amanda waited a moment for Olivia to say something, but the older woman wasn't going to interrupt the blonde's thought process. When she began speaking, she just needed to get it all out. The brunette did decide to give her girlfriend an encouraging smile. Eventually, Amanda continued. "For me, sex was always somethin' I did for other people. In a literal sense, to get my sister out of trouble—" Amanda looked up expectantly at Olivia for a second, knowing calling what happened with Chief Patton "sex" is not a choice the sergeant would have made, but not even that caused Olivia to interrupt her—"and then because it was what my boyfriends wanted, and I thought it was my job to give myself to them."

Olivia prided herself on her ability to listen more than speak, but it would be an understatement to say she was struggling now. Amanda was able to sense this and decided to end her story there for a moment to allow her girlfriend to interject. "No one is entitled to your body. It's yours and yours alone. I'm trying not to be angry here because this is not about them, it's about you—that's entirely the point of this conversation. But, my God, baby, I just have to say that I could kill every man that's ever put his hands on you."

Amanda nodded. She should be angry too. She eventually allowed herself to be angry at Patton, but for her, it also came with anger at herself—with guilt and shame, and the knowledge that she walked into that hotel room. What did she expect to happen? And the men she dated when she was younger—Amanda couldn't bring herself to expect better from them. With the exceptions of Carisi and Fin, she surrounded herself with men who had committed the most atrocious of crimes. Did she do it on purpose? Is that how she justified how her previous boyfriends had treated her?

At least Joseph didn't tie her down.

At least Trevor didn't hit her.

At least Lee didn't laugh when she asked him to stop.

At least Devon didn't try to kill her.

Amanda found herself back in that time with those men, a time before she had known love, before Olivia. And she didn't want to be there anymore. Olivia had told her that sex can feel good, that it can be a good thing for both people involved, and God, how she wanted to believe her. How she wanted to just trust that her girlfriend was telling the truth and give in to her urges. If sex couldn't be a safe and pleasurable thing, then why would her body be craving it so much? Why would her stomach do flips when Olivia walked into the room? Why would the feeling of Olivia's lips on hers leave her wanting more?

"I wish we could just do it."

"I think that would be a little irresponsible," Olivia noted. "I definitely wouldn't feel good about it." Her tone was gentle, but her words had a bite to them. Amanda sensed Olivia's disgust, and logically knew it was at the idea of taking advantage of her, but she still couldn't convince herself that SVU's leader wasn't experiencing serious doubts about their relationship. If that's where the brunette's thoughts were going, Amanda definitely wanted to distract her.

"I wouldn't even know where to start anyway." Amanda was dejected. She wanted to tell Olivia how she was feeling, but she couldn't bring herself to look at her anymore. It made her too sad. The feeling of being a burden was the blonde's least favorite. She sat up after the statement, needing to put some physical distance between herself and her girlfriend.

"Hey." Amanda had never heard Olivia speak in a softer tone, and the sheer love in her voice caused the blonde to release a rather unceremonious sob. The sound was completely involuntary, and Amanda hated herself for it. She hated the lack of control. Olivia sat up, positioning her body next to her, but decided to keep her distance for the time being. She began to fear her words and actions of comfort were too much for Amanda. The sergeant let her girlfriend cry, knowing that she desperately needed some form of release. All of these emotions had been trapped inside of her for so long, and she knew it wouldn't take much for the conversation to be overwhelming. Still, she needed to clarify her previous statement. "It's not you I wouldn't feel good about. I need to make that clear. I feel so, so good about you. I just worry that you're so desperate for things to be easy that you wouldn't be able to acknowledge what feels right for you, and that even if you were able to, you wouldn't feel comfortable voicing those things. Like you said, you don't know where to start, and we can figure out where that place is, baby, but it's not 'Let's throw caution to the wind and just have sex.' I really think that waiting and exploring is going to be our best bet. And I have a feeling you agree with me. "

The blonde's crying had lessened some as her girlfriend spoke. Why did she have to make so much sense? Amanda, feeling a little lightheaded from the exertion, laid her head in Olivia's lap, knowing the brunette's hands would find their way into her hair. She was more than okay with the contact; the truth is she always was, she just sometimes felt undeserving of Liv's particular brand of love. "Well, that's easy for you to say," Amanda accused with a quick chuckle. "You know what you're waiting for. I'm just sittin' here hoping there's some kind of pot of gold at the end of the rainbow."

Olivia didn't respond for a minute, so the blonde rotated her body so that she was lying on her back, still keeping her head in the older woman's lap, but putting herself in a position to see her face if she looked up. What Amanda found was a tightly pressed smirk playing on the woman's lips. The brunette knew they were having a serious discussion, but she couldn't help finding just a touch of humor at her girlfriend's words. "Is that supposed to be a thinly veiled euphemism for orgasm?"

Amanda busted into manic laugher. "I'm sorry," she tried, still fighting a fit of giggles with an occasional tear making its way down her pale cheeks. "I have no reference, so I just said something."  
Olivia's right pointer finger found the center of Amanda's forehead, before traveling down the bridge of her nose and back up again. Once again, the blonde allowed herself to close her eyes and savor the moment. "Just let it feel good, Amanda," she thought to herself, repeating it inside her mind like a mantra. "Just let it feel good."

A small smile graced the sergeant's usually frowning face. "I mean," she softly drawled, continuing to trace the soft skin of Amanda's face with one finger, almost as if in an attempt to memorize the features she found there, "I can see the comparison."

Amanda's eyes snapped open in frustration and her arms flailed in the air. "Are we really gonna sit here and talk about fucking orgasms like I'm twelve fucking years old?!"

Olivia was not fazed, stilling her finger at the tip of Amanda's nose for a minute and asking softly, "Is that what you want to talk about? I'm more than okay with that."

"You don't make this easy for me, you know."

"You mean I don't make it easy for you to pretend this isn't happening." Olivia emphasized her point with a tap to the tip of the blonde's noise. "Listen, babe, if you want to go the rest of your life without experiencing sexual pleasure, then that is your prerogative, and I fully support you in that. Really," she promised at Amanda's questioning glance. "And I'm not going anywhere. But what I'm hearing is that is not the case, and that's why we have an issue. Because you're not going to get what you want until you can talk about it."

Amanda hummed in agreement, still looking up at Olivia, before lifting her own pointer finger to "boop" the brunette's nose. "You make a very convincing point. Better tell Barba you're coming for his gig."

Olivia smiled softly, relieved they were coming to the same conclusion. "What do you think about getting some breakfast and talking some more on the couch?"

"Aww, but I could look up at you like this forever."

Olivia scooted from under the blonde, gently guiding her head off of her legs in the process. "And forever, you will have." She grinned widely, feeling like things were going to be okay. "We just need food first." She reached her hand out to Amanda, who eagerly took it before the two walked together to their kitchen.

"Coffee?" Amanda offered, moving towards the Keurig.

"Yes, please. Thank you, babe.

Amanda made both of them cups of coffee and Olivia decided simple cereal would do for breakfast. They brought their food and drinks into the living room before sitting down together on the couch, both women crossing their legs like a pretzel as they settled in. "You know," Amanda started, deciding that if they were just going to go for it, she should get anything she could off her chest, "when I said I wouldn't even know where to start, I wasn't exaggerating."

Olivia warmed her hands on the mug she held. "I didn't think you were. You've never had any freedom to explore before. I don't want you to think you should just know what you want. Everyone is different and being aware of what your body needs is a skill just like anything else."

A lot of people who knew Olivia figured she was incredibly experienced, and it's not that she wasn't, she was just picky. She had what the kids refer to as a "hoe phase" before she became a cop, but really, she was just incredibly observant with herself and with her past partners.

Amanda looked at her skeptically for a moment, so Olivia took it upon herself to justify her words. "I took a few really progressive human sexuality classes in college," the brunette explained. "I learned a whole bunch of really cool shit."

"Why do I feel like you probably learned some shit I'm not gonna wanna hear?" the blonde asked nervously. She had a feeling about where this conversation was leading, and though she knew Olivia came from both a loving and educated place, she longed for the possibility of skipping it.

Olivia smiled sympathetically at her girlfriend, putting her coffee mug down on the table in front of them and gesturing for Amanda to do the same. "Just hear me out, okay?" the sergeant requested slowly, placing her hands in Amanda's lap. The blonde intertwined her fingers with her girlfriend's. She didn't know if she trusted what was coming next, but she knew she had to trust Olivia. The older woman waited until the detective had nodded her consent before speaking again. "Sex isn't necessarily instinctual," she began. "It can be eventually, but two people who have never slept together before aren't always going to have an easy time, especially if one of them doesn't know what their body responds to. And that's totally okay. But we have to decide what path we want to walk down. I know you, and I just can't shake the thought that feeling safe with my touch, figuring out what you need, and directing me at the same time is going to be totally overwhelming. Learning to experience pleasure should be fun. It shouldn't be a traumatic experience. That's not what I want for you, baby."

"So, you're saying one step at a time?"

The brunette nodded slowly. "There's one step you can do on your own, and I want to invite you to explore it. It may make things easier in the long run."

As the realization of what her girlfriend was suggesting set in, Amanda's eyes went wide, and she'd be willing to testify to the fact that her heart skipped at least one beat. She shook her head slowly from side to side. "Olivia," she whispered.

The sergeant expected this reaction. "Baby, I'm only asking you to consider it."

Amanda began to feel nauseated. "I just don't know how comfortable I'd be with that. The idea makes me so anxious, and not just because of religious indoctrination." She wasn't sure how to finish her thought. She eventually settled on, "Because I'm a survivor too, you know." Olivia could see Amanda's eyes water. "What if I have a panic attack and you're not there? I don't want to." She shook her head vigorously. "I don't want to, Liv. Please, I can't."

Olivia lifted Amanda's hand and placed it on her own chest. "I need you to breathe, Amanda. Just breathe. All you have to do right now is breathe with me, okay? You can do that, I promise. Breathe when I breathe." Amanda was able to nod, taking a shaky breath. "You don't ever have to do anything you don't want to do, sweetheart. Never, ever, ever. I'm not trying to make you do this, okay? I promise."

Amanda's breathing returning to normal after a minute. "God," she breathed, "this is the second time in the past hour I've done this."

"That's okay," Olivia assured her, wiping her tear-stained cheeks and moving her hair out of her face. The sergeant realized this was likely too much. Amanda's eagerness to move forward had made her seem more ready than she was. The long-time SVU detective was a smart woman, and she was an expert in many things, but she didn't quite know how to navigate this journey, and it did make her feel a little insecure. "I know that this is all a lot for you. We're probably moving a little bit too fast. Let's slow down a bit, yes?" Amanda seemed relieved at that, leaning her body into her girlfriend's and inviting her to wrap her arms around her. The brunette gave in with a loose hold, letting the tips of her fingers squeeze the blonde's skin only slightly. "You were right before," she said quietly, resting her chin on blonde hair. "Before we address your needs as someone who's never had an orgasm, we need to address your needs as a survivor.

The blonde softly hummed in agreement, grasping tightly onto her girlfriend's night shirt and burying her head in her chest.

Olivia was always careful about holding her too tightly, but the grip that the blonde had on her now left no room for doubt—she needed more. A desperate whisper of the word "please" was the last assurance the sergeant needed before she practically lifted Amanda fully onto her lap, holding her with a fervor that was new to both of them.

They knew that the pot of gold they were heading for was at the end of a rather crooked rainbow.

It was still beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I hope you liked this one! Please leave me a review and tell me what you think! I’m hoping to update later this week!  
> -Gabby


	3. Green, Yellow, Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you all again for your wonderful reviews! Your words are so encouraging. Updates will probably slow down at this point, just because the holidays are ending and I'm about to go back to school on the 8th. But you never know—reviews make me update faster!  
> I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subjects of sexual assault and explicit sex. ANGST TO COME!  
> I don't have anything else to say, so here we go!

Something Good  
Part 3: Green, Yellow, Red

Olivia's phone rang at an ungodly hour that Wednesday. The squad had managed to secure a few days off thanks to their recent victory and an uncharacteristically quiet weekend. They all knew it was just a waiting game at this point, and it appeared the wait had come to an abrupt end.

The SVU sergeant chanced a swift look at the time before she looked at who was calling.

4:26 a.m.

She felt Amanda shift in the bed next to her as she checked the caller ID. Without turning on the light, Olivia softly moved to get out of the bed.

"Whose phone is that?" the blonde murmured, grogginess lacing her voice.

The brunette squeezed Amanda's arm quickly before exiting the bed completely. "I got it, babe, go back to sleep."

Amanda heard a soft, "Hey, what do we got?" as her girlfriend exited the room.

The younger woman sat up, sleepily realizing that SVU had received a case. She rubbed her tired eyes and sighed. She knew Olivia would have to come back before leaving, so she decided not to get up and follow her.

After about a minute, the brunette returned, speaking more quietly as she reentered the bedroom. She clearly had not noticed that Amanda was awake.

"I'll meet you at Mercy in about thirty minutes."

"Have they started a kit?"

"Okay, see you then." She hung up the phone and began to search for appropriate clothing, still shrouded in darkness in an attempt to keep from waking Amanda. It was when she determined she couldn't read the numbers on the combination lock attached to the gun safe that the woman realized she may have a problem.

The blonde reached to turn on the lamp next to her side of the bed, startling Olivia.

"I thought you might need some light," Amanda offered.

The sergeant took a moment to pause her search. "Did I wake you up, 'Manda? I'm so sorry, I was trying to be quiet."

The detective shook her head for a moment with a light chuckle. "I was up at the sound of your phone," she explained. She sat up farther in bed as Olivia opened their gun safe. "Vic at Mercy?" she asked.

Olivia nodded, holstering her weapon. "Nineteen-year-old NYU student. Boyfriend broke into her dorm."

"Oh, well let me get dressed and I'll come with you."

Liv sat down on the bed next to Amanda, effectively preventing her from getting out of it. "You know, it seems like a pretty cut and dry case. Hospital is already running a kit. Why don't you try to get some more sleep and I'll update you in a couple of hours? Some time to yourself might do you some good." Now what was that supposed to mean? "Fin and I got it."

Amanda shook her head, pulling the comforter all the way off of her to make a point. "Now, I really think I should come. You and Fin haven't had a full conversation since Friday, and you may need a mediator." The last thing Amanda wanted was for more attention to be brought to her situation because of some type of squad room brawl.

"I'm a big girl, sweetie," Olivia promised. "Fin's a good cop—I wouldn't dare get in the way of that."

Amanda finally nodded in surrender. "I am still really sleepy," she justified. "I do want to be kept in the loop though."

Olivia nodded, drawing a deliberate "X" over her chest. "Cross my heart. You're my best detective." The brunette leaned in until their foreheads were touching.

"Oh, c'mon, Liv, you're just biased," Amanda argued, wrapping both her arms around Olivia's neck and drawing her closer.

The brunette pecked her girlfriend's nose. "Only a little."

Amanda was slightly surprised when Olivia went in for a full kiss, capturing her lips in hers more passionately than she had in a while. The blonde didn't mind it though. Quite the contrary actually. As she felt Olivia grip her waist, she couldn't help but to sigh in approval, allowing herself to get lost in the moment. Amanda's thoughts turned to what was to come for them—if kissing Olivia felt this good and this right, she couldn't even imagine what was waiting for her. But Amanda knew there was work to be done first. It was Olivia who eventually pulled away, and Amanda was reluctant to let her. Neither woman wanted to end the contact, but Olivia knew she had to get going.

"Thanks for that," Amanda whispered, holding tightly to her girlfriend, possessing the unfortunate knowledge that she was leaving.

"Mhm," the brunette hummed. The older woman reveled in the contact she was able to have with her girlfriend. She loved every moment of it and never wanted it to stop. However, it was important to Olivia that the two didn't take things too far too quickly. It was possible that Amanda's body was ready for things that her mind and especially her heart weren't ready for. She knew although Amanda appreciated her girlfriend's patience and commitment to respecting her limits, the constant checking in did make her uncomfortable. The sergeant was already planning a conversation for later that would help establish guideline-type boundaries for them in the hopes that it would prevent some of the awkwardness that Amanda so disliked. "I'll have my cell phone on me all day, so call me if you need anything, anything at all."

Amanda nodded against Olivia's forehead, hating that it was time to let go. "I love you," she vowed, quietly and reverently, as if praying. The words were almost a thank you.

"I love you too." The brunette kissed the younger woman once more, in a slightly more chaste manner than before, but it still managed to convey the same affection and want. "No matter what," she promised, knowing that it's what Amanda needed to hear these days.

The sergeant pulled away slowly, leaving their hands connected for a moment. "Talk to you later."

"Mhm," Amanda agreed, finally releasing Olivia's hand.

The two women had spent practically every moment together since Friday night, and not being together was going to be an adjustment for them. Olivia had something to go and do, and the purpose afforded her some relief, but Amanda was dreading being alone.

After the brunette had left, Amanda decided she was going to try to get some more sleep. She definitely didn't want to be alone with her thoughts, and she hoped that sleeping would make the time go by faster.

After more than an hour of tossing and turning, the sun beginning to rise clued Amanda in to the fact that sleep was just not going to happen at this point. She needed to be doing something useful.

Useful.

It didn't seem like Olivia and Fin needed her help for the case, so she turned her mind towards other things.

She got up and watered their plants.

She put out some food and water for the neighborhood cats.

She waved at their neighbor as he left for work.

She supervised some elementary school kids as they waited for the bus.

At a little after nine, Amanda realized there were no other ways remaining that she could be useful to others.

And then she realized the "to others" part. She had a day to herself and she was just trying to figure out what she could do for other people. How could she be useful to herself?

She knew exactly how.

It probably would have been easier to wait for the mailman and then drive his route for him, but Olivia's words to her kept running through her mind, words about doing things step by step, about not overwhelming herself with too much too fast, about how this process should be enjoyable, and then louder than the others: "There is one step that you can do on your own."

The blonde absolutely dreaded the idea, but she wasn't going to do this when Olivia was around, and when was the next time she'd have the apartment to herself for several hours at a time? And realistically, what was the worst thing that could happen?

She would get a little embarrassed.

She would feel uncomfortable.

These were feelings she felt on the daily anyway, so why not risk a small loss for the chance to experience huge gains? She knew Olivia would answer her phone immediately if she called, so her safety wasn't actually an issue. Before the blonde could convince herself otherwise, she found her feet moving steadily towards the bedroom she shared with her girlfriend. She found her hand closing the door and then she found herself ridding her legs of her pajama pants.

Should she take off her underwear too?

What about her tank top?

Should she put her hair into a ponytail?

Would doing a little jig help?

Amanda's better judgement told her to avoid google and just see what happened. The unfortunate fact here though was that the blonde couldn't sit back and see what happened. She had to make something happen.

She sat on the bed, deciding to leave her underwear on for now, and allowed herself to take comfort in knowing she had full control over what happened next.

She thought for a moment as she laid her head on Olivia's pillow. What did she know about masturbation?

It was bad.

It would hurt.

She would panic.

She didn't know where to start.

Olivia would judge her.

There was no point.

She shouldn't do it.

"Bullshit," Amanda whispered. "Things are different now."

The blonde took a deep breath, and decided to speak aloud to herself, resting her right hand on her stomach and feeling it rise and fall rapidly along with her chest. "What do I really know about touching myself?"

Olivia thinks it's a good idea.

I trust Olivia.

I'm in control here.

I'm safe.

I can stop whenever I want.

I deserve this.

Amanda's hand travelled slowly down the plane of her stomach, feeling stiff muscles contract in trepidation. "I deserve this." There was something about hearing her own voice that brought her more calm than her thoughts alone ever could.

Again, she whispered, as she let her fingers glide slowly over the cotton of her underwear. "I deserve this."

The detective fully cupped herself over her underwear and then stilled her hand with a shaky breath. She knew she didn't have to go farther than this. She knew she could simply allow herself to feel compassion towards her body for a nanoscopic moment and then go on with her day like it hadn't even happened.

But that's not what she wanted to do.

A tiny flame ignited in the blonde's heart in that instant, and at first, she didn't know what it meant. And then all at once, she knew. She was invigorated, empowered, and dare she say—excited. A heavy door, once closed to her, had slammed open with such intensity that it took her breath away.

There was a path forward.

At first, her fingers just twitched a tiny amount. But she wanted to feel more. So, without a second thought, she lifted her hips and took off her underwear. The cold air hit her exposed skin and she hissed. 

She had never directed her attention at what she felt between her legs before; in fact, she was used to quite the opposite. The new sensation jolted her for a beat, assisting in her decision to cover herself with a blanket.

At least she knew that warm always felt good. "I deserve this."

Hesitant fingers manipulated course pubic hair for a few minutes, the light pulling a fairly pleasant and more importantly, not overtly sexual sensation. When her anxiety returned, it was because Amanda knew she had no idea what she was doing. She wished she knew what Olivia would do. She could almost hear her voice next to her. "Do what makes you feel safe."

What made Amanda feel safe?

Olivia.

She knew she wasn't going to get Olivia in that moment, and so she settled for the next best thing. The blonde shifted her positioning on the bed so that her head was resting on her own pillow and moved Liv's pillow to be next to her head, close enough that the brunette's scent wafted over her every time she breathed deeply.

She felt the hammering of her heart calm slightly, and with each inhale, her confidence returned anew. "I deserve this."

Amanda used one hand to spread her lips slightly and the other to slowly massage the wet flesh she found. Her gynecologist had once suggested she look at herself with a mirror, but the blonde never had any intentions of obliging. Besides, she thought to herself as her pointer finger grazed a particularly sensitive spot, this was supposed to be more fun anyway, right?

Deciding she had found her clit, the blonde moved her pointer finger lower down to what she discovered was her entrance. She shivered at the sensation but didn't know if it was a positive or negative reaction. This wasn't the most fun she'd ever had in her life, but she wasn't as uncomfortable as she imagined she'd be. Imagining Olivia's presence with her, it made sense to continue with her exploration as long as she still felt safe.

"I deserve this."

Thinking back to her own fairly progressive human sexuality class (something she had done online and certainly not in Georgia), she remembered learning that the majority of women weren't able to orgasm through penetration alone. Amanda found herself grateful that she had more than one option to experience pleasure. She knew she trusted Olivia with her life, and the more they explored each other, the more secure she'd feel with her, but she didn't know how quickly she'd be comfortable with feeling anything at all inside her body, including Liv's gentle fingers, and God, how they were gentle.

Realizing her own fingers were becoming damp at the mere thought of her girlfriend's tender touch, Amanda moved her pointer finger back up to what she recognized by touch as her clit. She felt her hips lift violently off the bed as she experienced a sensation that was definitely not pleasant.

This wasn't good news.

The blonde tried the maneuver once more, pressing down harshly on the tightly bound nerves, wincing when she felt pain.

No, no, no, no, no.

This couldn't be right. Olivia never said this would happen. No one said it would hurt. Had she done something wrong? Angry at herself, Amanda decided to chance the touch one more time, shaking out her hand first and taking a deep breath. "You deserve this," she said to herself pointedly, almost seeing it as a punishment for her failure.

Before her finger could make contact, the shrill sound of her phone ringing caused the blonde's body to become momentarily airborne.

Saved by the case, she thought. Saved by Fin, to be more exact. Amanda took a steadying breath. "Hey, Fin, what's up?" she asked, impressed by the nonchalance in her voice.

"Wanted to update you about the case, but first, Amanda, I need to apologize for what I said on Friday night."

"Oh, Fin, don't mention it." She meant it. She didn't want to talk about this rather sensitive subject right now. She needed to be distracted by the case.

"No, Rollins, I want to say sorry to you. It was inappropriate and out of line. Really, I'm sorry." Fin wasn't often this serious. He knew when things were "messed up" and wasn't afraid to call it out when he saw it, but the sincerity in his voice as he apologized to Amanda was almost disconcerting.

"Seriously, Fin, it's okay. I was already having a bad night. If you want to talk about it some more another time, we can, but right now, can you bring me up to speed with this NYU case?"

"Okay, so," Fin began, and Amanda sat fully up, stretching her tense muscles and readying herself to retain information. "Vic is nineteen-year-old Francesca Torres. She's a student at NYU. She disclosed to her RA, Patricia Sweeney. She called 911. Perp is twenty-two-year-old Justin Blake. We have him in custody. The story is he broke into her dorm room through the window. The roommate wasn't there."

Amanda was still rubbing tiredness from her eyes. "And the rape kit was positive?"

"Oh yeah," Fin replied. "You know the deal—Blake's claiming that it was consensual. Olivia's still working on the full story. She seems to be hiding something. Barba isn't pleased."

'Well, they always do, and he never is." She paused. "Thanks for the update, Fin. Do you need me to come in?"

"Nah, I think Olivia's got the interview for now. I'll let her talk to you when she gets home." Both detectives were silent for a moment. "I really am sorry, Rollins."

"I know, Fin. It's okay," she repeated. She'd much rather continue to talk about the case than do this. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay, Rollins. See ya."

After she hung up the phone, Amanda noticed that it was after noon. Had she been lying in bed willing herself to feel good for three hours? Honestly, she thought, that's kind of pathetic. As she was lamenting over the time, her phone rang again.

This time it was Liv. Amanda immediately began to feel better before she even answered the call. "Hey, Liv."

"Hey, sweetheart. How are you doing?"

"I'm good," was Amanda's reply. She had decided not to share the details of her day just yet. She knew Olivia would be proud of her for trying, but the blonde still felt embarrassed that she couldn't quite figure anything out. "What about you? Fin called about the case."

"Yeah, I asked him to do that while I was finishing up with the vic."

"Did you also ask him to apologize to me?" the blonde asked suspiciously. "Cause he must have said the phrase 'I'm sorry' at least five times."

"I actually didn't even mention the situation to him at all. I figure it's your business and not my story to tell. If he would have brought it up, I would have just said it was inappropriate, but I figured he'd come to that conclusion on his own."

"Sounds like that's what happened," Amanda pointed out. "So how's the case? Fin said Francesca wasn't being forthcoming?"

"Yeah," Olivia confirmed. "At first not any more than usual. But then, she asked me if I'd ever been raped."

"Mhm."

"And I of course told her no. And then she refused to talk to me anymore. Said she wanted to talk to someone who 'got it.'

"Well, Fin told me you guys didn't need me today, but I can come in now," Amanda offered, standing up for the first time in several hours.

"I was just going to try again tomorrow since we've built some rapport. She just got discharged from the hospital, and I was hoping giving her a break would do the trick. With the rape kit, Barba has enough to arraign tomorrow. Carisi just got here. We're switching out, and I'm about to head home."

"I can talk to her tomorrow then," Amanda reasoned.

Olivia hesitated for a moment. "Are you sure you're up for that, love? It's been a tough few days."

Amanda sometimes hated how protective Olivia was of her, which made her feel pretty guilty. She knew how lucky she was to have someone in her life who cared for her as much as Liv did, but the brunette's obsessive checking in could be somewhat smothering at times.

The blonde kept her voice soft, but it was important that she got her point across. "You're forgetting that I'm a detective in the Special Victims Unit, Liv," she reminded her girlfriend. "I have a lot on my mind right now, but I can do my job."

"You're right, 'Manda, I'm sorry. I'll work more on following your lead and trusting your judgement. I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I know, babe. That's why I'm not upset. But I promise I can handle myself, and if I need a break, I'll tell you."

"All right then," Olivia concluded. "Have you eaten? Do you want me to pick us up some lunch?"

"No, I haven't eaten," Amanda admitted. "I've been, uh…sleeping." The blonde hated the lie, even though it was probably just a little white one. "Food would be great actually," she said, feeling her stomach rumble. "I'd appreciate it."

"Of course, sweetheart. Is Chinese okay?"

Amanda's stomach growled again. "Yes. Chinese sounds great."

"Awesome!" Amanda heard Olivia's car door unlock. "I'm heading out now." The brunette's door slammed. "Oh! And I have something to show you that could be useful for us."

"Is this gonna be like last time you had an idea about somethin' that could be useful for us?" she asked incredulously.

"We'll talk about it when I get home," Amanda assured. "And there's never any pressure," she added for good measure.

"Well, okay," Amanda conceded. "Drive safe. Love you."

"Love you too."

When Olivia arrived home about thirty minutes later, she carried two bags of Chinese food containers and a huge poster board, outlined with three columns labeled "Green", "Yellow", and "Red" at the top in the appropriate colors. Amanda got up to help with the bags.

"Uh, Liv, I hate to rain on your parade, but I already passed my driver's test."

Olivia chuckled lightly and gestured for Amanda to sit with her at the table, before moving the poster out of the way and serving them both plates of food.

"So, the poster's not for a road test," Olivia explained with a sly smile after a bite of Lo Mein. "It's more like driving on a rainbow toward a pot of gold."

"Oh, God, is that going to be our euphemism now? Saint Patrick's Day's gonna be ruined forever!"

Both women laughed for a moment. "Care to explain?" Amanda requested after some silence.

"Okay," Olivia said, pushing her plate of food out of the way and pulling the poster and some markers in front of her. "So, I had an old friend that's a sex therapist now."

"You mean girlfriend," Amanda accused, proud of herself for figuring it out. "I knew it. How many progressive human sexuality classes were there twenty-years-ago?"

"Are you calling me old?"

"You're not denying it," Amanda grinned, swirling her fork in the air before spearing a piece of orange chicken.

"Objection, Detective. This line of questioning is irrelevant."

"Goes to credibility," Amanda argued, pausing for a moment before concluding, "Sergeant."

Olivia busted into a fit of giggles, Amanda following soon after. They had almost forgotten what had started the conversation. Amanda especially wished they could be like this all the time. She longed to have discussions about sex and tease each other lightheartedly. She wished it were possible. "Hmm," Amanda sobered. "So, what were you saying about the lesbian sex therapist?" The blonde allowed herself to smile one more time.

Olivia smiled for a moment longer before launching the story behind the poster board. "So, yeah, we reconnected like five years ago, and she told me about this method she used with survivors in sex therapy- the 'Green, Yellow, Red' method to explore what types of touch they would and would not be comfortable with. So," she continued, taking out a sharpie and underlying the word "green", "the concept is pretty much the same as driving—"Green means go, yellow means slow, and red means—"

"No," the blonde said, happy with her rhyme.

"Yeah, or stop," Olivia finished for her. "So, what you and I would do is we'd put touches you feel pretty comfortable with under "green", touches that you are slightly uncomfortable with—or if it would depend on the context—under "yellow", and if it's a full-on no-go, then we'll put it under "red." And the idea is that we can practice these touches together, and hopefully we can keep the greens where they are, move the yellows to green, and eventually you may be comfortable moving some reds over to yellow." Amanda could tell Olivia was proud of herself and of her plan, and had put some time into remembering this strategy, and the blonde couldn't help but find it adorable and so quintessentially Olivia. Only her Liv would put this much effort into turning an uncomfortable conversation between the two of them into practically an art project. "So? What do you think?"

Amanda thought for a moment. "So…just to clarify…."

"Yeah?" Olivia was eager to answer the blonde's question.

"All of these touches….Am I assumin' that you're the one touching me?"

"Mhm, of course!"

"Not some random man on the street."

"No, of course not."

"Because that would change my placement of some things."

The brunette smiled. Amanda was clearly in good spirits about this. "So, you're okay with this?"

"Yeah, I'm totally okay with it. I'm pretty tired, so I don't really want to do much today, but what about we put one thing in each column for like a baseline?"

"Sure, I'm good with that," Olivia agreed, beginning to clear the table. "Let's just make sure we have room."

Once the women had the table cleared, they sat down together once more. Olivia grabbed the colorful poster board and centered it on the table before attempting to hand Amanda the sharpie. The blonde shook her head.

"Nuh uh, Doctor Benson, you're in charge." Amanda was nervous about this situation, but she felt comfortable with Olivia, and after the day she'd had, she was just grateful to be with her. "You write. I'd rather just think," she explained.

"Okay, sweets, close your eyes for me."

Instead of closing, Amanda's eyes grew wider. "You didn't tell me about this part!"

"I'm only going to have you close your eyes for the green part," Olivia promised. "I think it will help."

"Is this what the lesbian sex therapist did?" Amanda laughed, still trying to make a joke.

"I don't know what she did, and please be serious for a minute, 'Manda!" Olivia was trying not to laugh, but she couldn't help it.

"I'm sorry, this is just awkward and it's a coping mechanism," the blonde explained.

"I know, baby. Just take a deep breath. It's just you and me here. No one else is ever going to see this list. And we're only talking about three touches right now, just three. Okay?" Olivia reached out and   
squeezed Amanda's hand. "Now close your eyes, love." She waited for Amanda's eyes to slowly close before speaking. "Good. I'm not going to touch you during this because I don't want your mind to be distracted." She squeezed her hand one more time. "But I just want you to know I'm here. Listen to my voice, okay?" Amanda nodded.

"So, let's say you're laying in bed. You feel safe and warm. And I'm there and I'm touching you. How am I touching you?"

"Um…"

"Take your time."

"I'm thinking of a lot of things," Amanda admitted. "This is a good problem to have, I guess."

Olivia smiled even though she knew her girlfriend couldn't see it. "Yeah, it is. Just tell me the first thing that comes to your mind."

"You're uh…you're playing with my hair."

"Perfect. Okay, open your eyes. That was great baby." Olivia quickly wrote the word "hair" down in the first column under the word green.

Amanda giggled nervously as her eyes met her girlfriend's. "I'm sorry I'm makin' this awkward, Liv."

"I don't want you to feel sorry, Amanda," Olivia said softly. "I just want you to feel safe."

The blonde nodded. "Okay, yellow. Do you want me to picture you touching me in a way that makes me feel sort of uncomfortable?"

"Uh, let's not do that. This isn't supposed to give you anxiety. Just think about it for a second and let me know what you're thinking."

"Do you have any ideas? You know me pretty well."

"I want you to try to come up with something, honey, because it could be something we haven't done together yet. Does that make sense?"

"Mhm. Okay, I think I have somethin', but I don't know if this counts cause it's kind of specific."

Olivia nodded her head encouragingly. "The lesbian sex therapist said the more specific, the better."

Amanda chuckled again. She and Olivia both wished they didn't have to have this conversation, but if they did have to, at least they found a way to make it somewhat humorous. "So, my thought was it would make me a little uncomfortable if…like, if you were kissing me, but like, you were on top of me too. Y'know, I'd know I'm safe cause I'm with you and kissin' doesn't bother me, but if I felt like I was being held down—am I making any sense?" she asked Olivia, who had been nodding her head and writing the whole time the blonde was speaking.

"Yeah," Olivia breathed softly. "Thank you for sharing that. Maybe we could try different variations of it if that would feel safer for you. Okay, take a deep breath."  
Amanda honestly had no idea what she was going to say for "red". There were almost as many options as green for her. She knew Olivia wouldn't let her get away with just saying "sex" at this point. Stupid lesbian sex therapist and her need for specific answers. "I'm guessing you want something sex related for this one?" Amanda asked anxiously.

"Well," Olivia thought, "if you can think of something non-sexual to put in the 'red' column, then I'm all ears. Unfortunately, that's not what tends to go there."

"The lesbian sex therapist sure knows her stuff," Amanda observed, knowingly delaying her answer. "What's her name?"

"Her name was Mindy, Staller McStallerpants," Olivia emphasized.

"Hmm. Sounds a lot like Mandy. You have a type?"

Olivia scoffed lightheartedly. "Yeah. Extremely beautiful, but stubborn as shit."

"A beautiful lesbian sex therapist. Huh. What happened there?"

"I'll remind you of my previous statement."

"Okay, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry." Amanda was sincere. "I want to do this, I do. Just give me a minute."

"You can have all day, baby. I'm not trying to rush you. This is just an important conversation for us to have."

"I know, I know. Okay. Let me think."

Olivia watched as Amanda's eyebrows furrowed in thought. "Red" was the column that she was least looking forward to helping Amanda create. As she watched her girlfriend ponder her choices, the brunette knew she was considering the violence she'd endured, and she would have traded places with her in an instant if she could. The police sergeant never wanted to ask Amanda to go back to that hotel room with Chief Patton or to remember her previous relationships, but it was important to get a baseline on her hard limits.  
Amanda sighed. "If I say penetration, is that enough?" It was something she had already thought about today. She figured she'd spare herself the extra time and effort if she could. Plus, there was something else she knew she needed to discuss with Olivia.

"Is that where you'd like to leave it for now, sweetie?"

Amanda nodded. "Yeah, I just, I wanted to ask you about somethin' else that kind of seems more relevant right now for me."

"Not about this?" Olivia asked, gesturing to the poster below them.

"No. Well kind of. I mean. Mm." She didn't know how to word it, but somehow Olivia's expectant and gentle gaze reminded her that she already had the word. They both did. "Well, it's about the rainbow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter was so much longer than I intended it to be. I hope you guys like it!


	4. Physiological Response

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you all again for reading! Again, please let me know if you have any suggestions for this story. I was able to sit down and kind of outline it, and I’m seeing about 10 chapters total! That being said, I’m more than happy to edit some things if you all have suggestions. 
> 
> I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subjects of sexual assault and explicit sex. ANGST TO COME!

Something Good

Part 4: Physiological Response

“Yeah, of course. What’s up?” was Olivia’s immediate and genuine response.

Amanda could tell that the rainbow jokes were effectively over, which is honestly what she wanted. A serious conversation needed to occur, but God, she wished she could just laugh through it. However, the blonde was astute enough to know that if she couldn’t say the word “orgasm” out loud to her partner, then she probably had no business trying to experience one. There were other words she probably needed to learn to say aloud at this point, words like masturbate and clit, and other things she probably hadn’t even considered. She’d have to discuss vaginas and penetration and oral sex in a lens that wasn’t wrapped up in the cozy clinical world of Special Victims. Where to start?

“So, um.” Amanda stalled. “I…uh…Jesus, Liv, why is this so hard? I mean, it’s you. It’s you! What do I have to be afraid of, really?”

“Well,” Olivia pondered slowly, taking one of Amanda’s clammy hands in both of hers, massaging it softly while keeping eye contact and searching for signs that the blonde wanted physical space. “You don’t have anything to be afraid of because you are with me, and you can tell me anything. But,” she continued, keeping her voice light, “I completely understand why it would be hard to believe that.”

Amanda nodded, appreciating the empathy that she didn’t always feel like she was worthy of, and reached up with her free hand to cup Olivia’s cheek, running the pad of her thumb along the soft olive skin. “I know,” the blonde whispered. “I mean, I trust you with my life, Liv, I really do, but somewhere deep down, I know there’s still fear. And I want it to go away.”

Olivia nodded, leaning her cheek into Amanda’s careful touch. “You know as well as I do that your mind takes longer to heal than your body, but even so, your body remembers trauma. Your body remembers fear. Your body doesn’t always know the difference between a car backfiring and a gunshot. It doesn’t always know the difference between a safe touch and an unsafe touch. A thrilling carnival ride or a bear chasing you. So, baby, I want you to keep in mind that any time you get anxious when we’re together, it’s because of that. It’s physiological.”

“And involuntary,” Amanda continued for her, dropping her right hand from Olivia’s face and grabbing on to Olivia’s, which were still playing with the fingers of Amanda’s left hand. “Which means it’s not my fault. And I shouldn’t feel guilt or shame over somethin’ that’s not my fault.” The blonde smiled softly, knowing the last time she had heard Olivia say these words was less than a month ago.

“Forget me coming for Barba’s gig, I think you’re coming for mine,” Olivia declared with praise in her voice. “I just want you to remember that feeling bad about feeling bad isn’t going to make you feel good.”

Amanda allowed herself a moment to take it all in, willing herself to feel enough self-compassion to request Olivia’s comfort and guidance. “Can we go sit on the couch with some hot chocolate or something? I’m a little cold.”

A physiological response, the blonde told herself. Her body was trying to keep her safe by telling her that something was wrong. 

“Of course.” Olivia stood up. “Let me grab a blanket.”

The brunette walked to a closet in the hallway to gather some blankets for the two of them as Amanda set about getting some hot water ready for their drinks. Olivia took a deep breath. Over the past six months, she hadn’t given herself much time to just be in her own thoughts. She was constantly thinking about Amanda, about what she had been through and about what she deserved going forward. The SVU sergeant had justified it by telling herself that the blonde had never experienced a relationship of any kind with a person who put energy into her well-being. And that was wrong. Olivia’s desire to rectify the situation caused Amanda to be the only thing on her mind. And although some people believed she was, the brunette was not a superhero, and understandably so, her mental health had been suffering. 

Everyone trusted Olivia. Her squad knew she had their back and Barba knew she would bring him the best case she could. The survivors whose justice she fought for usually came around, and when they didn’t, she understood why. It is so much harder to earn trust than it was to dismantle it completely. Olivia knew this with every fiber of her being, but she still couldn’t stop herself from feeling a little hurt whenever Amanda pulled away from affection or hesitated to share something with her. The brunette had to keep reminding herself of the same things she found herself promising Amanda.

It’s not your fault.

It’s a process.

Your fear is involuntary.

It still hurt. Olivia, much like Amanda in some ways, had built her life around being useful to other people. And when the messages she was receiving told her that Amanda wasn’t just going to get better, that even her best still wasn’t enough, it had the capacity to bruise her fortress of an ego.

And then there was the pressure. Olivia was not a sex therapist. And her relationship with Mindy felt like a lifetime away. Before SVU, before Elliot, before Amanda. Was she even qualified to be guiding her girlfriend through this process? The brunette thanked her lucky stars for the combination of knowledge and experience that had led her to being as helpful as she was, but she wasn’t some kind of orgasm whisperer. She was just a person. Just a person who loved another person. And that would have to be enough.

Amanda’s voice brought her out of her thoughts. “Liv? Baby, do you want marshmallows?”

Olivia finished grabbing the two blankets and walked back towards the sound of her girlfriend’s voice. “Sure, love, that sounds great. Thank you.”

For what felt like the millionth time in the past few days, the two women settled down together on the couch, cuddled up with blankets and hot cocoa. 

The brunette thought for a moment about what Amanda was going to share with her. She really had no idea. She knew that the blonde no longer wanted to discuss the whole “Green, Yellow, Red” thing, which was understandable, but what could have her attention shifted to? The unknown worried her because she didn’t have a response for everything. She didn’t know every answer to every question Amanda asked. She had love and good intentions, and she was going to try her hardest to put both things to good use, but what if whatever she could say didn’t satisfy Amanda? What if the blonde still felt lost and confused? The last thing Olivia wanted to do what fail somebody, especially her girlfriend.

Amanda, for her part, was feeling slightly more secure in her own next steps. She was with Olivia, her Olivia, the gentlest, purest person on the planet. She’d never met anyone who disagreed with that assessment. She knew that things would be okay eventually. She was getting ready to speak when she saw a flash of uncertainty haunt Olivia’s usually sure features. “Are…are you okay? Are all these conversations makin’ you uncomfortable?”

Shit. Olivia shook her head vigorously and took a sip of her hot cocoa in order to afford herself a moment to choose the best words. “No, it doesn’t make me uncomfortable, sweetie, it just…”

Amanda nodded encouragingly towards Olivia when in a rare role reversal, the brunette was at a slight loss for words.

“It’s just…” Olivia sighed, placing her mug down on the table by the couch. For some reason, she always needed her hands to express her thoughts accurately. “It isn’t lost on me how significant all this is,” she explained slowly, “how important. And I’d be lying if I told you I felt totally sure I could do this right. So, that’s…that.”

Amanda nodded. “Liv, I don’t need you to do everythin’ right. I don’t need you to be perfect. I need you. I just need you to be you.”” The blonde thought for a moment before putting her own mug on the table and ridding herself of the blanket that kept her warm. 

Olivia watched quizzically as Amanda, more confident than she had ever seen her outside of the squad room, climbed fully onto her lap and grasped her face with both of her hands. “You are enough, Olivia Benson. Do you hear me?”

The sergeant nodded, still utterly dumbfounded at her girlfriend’s actions. “Loud and clear.”

Amanda moved herself from her position straddling Olivia, settling in next to her in favor of this form of close contact. “That was a ‘green’ by the way,” she noted.

“I’ll write it down later,” she promised, leaning down to kiss Amanda’s hair. That was also a “green”.

“Liv,” the blonde sighed, feeling Olivia’s lips brush the top of her head. “There’s somethin’ I wanted to tell you about, but it’s important to me that you’re not just sitting here worried if you’re responding correctly.” Amanda looked up, making sure to establish eye contact with her girlfriend. “You always wanna know what I want, right?” Olivia nodded. “Here’s what I want. I wanna vent. I want you to listen, and then I want you to say what comes from your heart. That’s it, baby, seriously.” 

Olivia didn’t know how to feel about that. Amanda needed more than just empathy, didn’t she? Before she could reply, Amanda continued.

“I know you, Liv, and I know you’re never gonna think what you’re doin’ for me is enough. But it’s not about what you do, it’s about who you are. Olivia, you’re everything.” Amanda shook her head slowly to convey the sincerity of her words. “Everything. And I need that to get through your thick skull because relationships…relationships are give and take—you taught me that. You can’t give your whole self to me. That’s not what I want. I just want you to be here with me. I wanna do this together.”

The brunette couldn’t help but to be relieved by Amanda’s words. It’s not like she thought Amanda wanted to suck out her soul and use her for her own personal gain, but hearing the compassion in the blonde’s voice reset the narrative in her conscious mind. She didn’t have to be a superhero because empathy isn’t a superpower, but both women knew it could have heroic results. 

Olivia nodded. “I want to do this together too. Always together. I think I’ve been asking more of myself than you ever could.”

“We’re just people, Olivia. Good people with good hearts and good intentions. But people all the same.”

The brunette nodded once again, leaning her forehead in to touch Amanda’s, letting their noses bump together affectionately. “I’m supposed to be the queen of pep talks, you know.”

“Well, you can have your crown back, your majesty, because boy, do I have something to tell you.”

Olivia reached for her mug again and took a sip, appreciate the soothing feeling of the warm liquid sliding down her throat, giving her a hug from the inside. “Alright, baby, spill.”

“Okay.” The blonde couldn’t stop a momentary chuckle from escaping her throat. “Yeah, my pep talk didn’t make me feel any better. Okay, give me a second to find words.”

Olivia deadpanned. “One. Okay, times up.”

At that, Amanda fully cracked up. The joke had her laugh in a way that left her short of breath and tightened her core muscles to the point of soreness. “Okay,” she heaved, still struggling to catch her breath. “That…that did make me feel better.”

“Knew it would.”

“So, today, I…um, I tried something that we kind of talked about the other day. The uh, the step I can do on my own.”

Olivia tried to avoid looking shocked, but honestly, this was the last thing she was expecting Amanda to say. “Really?” Shit, she immediately thought, that probably sounded too eager. Then she reminded herself that she wasn’t putting on a show. Amanda wanted her to be real and truthful, and the truth was that Olivia was genuinely surprised. “I mean, I just didn’t expect…so soon.”

Amanda nodded, appreciating Olivia dropping her “nothing fazes Sergeant Benson” façade. “I didn’t either, and to be honest…” Amanda sighed. “It didn’t go so well.”

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.” Liv sat up further on to couch, wanting to give Amanda her full attention. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yeah, I…I, um....Mm. I’m sorry, Liv. This just isn’t easy.”

Once again, Olivia surrendered her mug to the coffee table in favor of reaching out a hand to clasp Amanda’s. “You know how you told me you don’t need perfect, that all you need is me?” The blonde nodded. “That’s all I want from you. Just take your time and tell me what happened. I’m just here to listen.”

A shaky breath. “I hurt myself.” It was barely a whisper, and Amanda could hardly make out her own words. Liv definitely couldn’t.

“You what, baby?”

One last shaky breath, as Amanda steeled herself to be honest. She couldn’t ask for honesty and not deliver it in return. She felt hammering in her chest, and she shivered from the icy tips of her frozen fingers to the petrified ventricles of her sunken, terrified heart. She knew her voice would break, and she wanted to stop it, but she had to trust her eyes. Her body may have been seeing a bear running at her, but she saw Olivia, eyes wide and full of concern, patience, and love. There was no bear to be found, but it did no good to be angry at her body for thinking there was. “I hurt myself.”

Olivia had to clarify. “You hurt yourself?”

Amanda nodded. “I don’t know what happened. One second, it was fine—it almost felt good, and then—” a lump formed in her throat. “What did I do wrong?”

At the sight of her girlfriend’s eyes watering and her lip quivering, Olivia could no longer fight the urge to gather her up into her arms. Of course, she still kept her senses alert and ready to act if Amanda showed any sign of discomfort while doing so. “Oh, baby, come here. You didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t something you’ve ever done before—of course you’re not going to be good at it yet. But it might help if we can figure out what happened. Do you think you can answer a couple of questions for me?” The brunette felt a week nod against her chest, as well as some tears soaking through the blouse she wore to work that morning. “Are you sure? You don’t have to if you don’t want to."

Amanda nodded again, this time seeming more confident in her decision. “Can I stay here though?” 

Though she didn’t explain further, Olivia figured the eye contact was making the blonde more anxious, and though the sergeant knew watching Amanda’s facial expressions would be valuable in this process, she was willing to take what she could get and not force the issue at such a vulnerable time for the detective. “Of course. Whatever makes you more comfortable, okay?” She felt Amanda nod again. God, Olivia hated every moment of this. It just wasn’t fair. She was long past feeling unqualified for the job she had to do—the brunette knew how to ask difficult questions as well as she knew her own name, she just wished it wasn't Amanda she had to ask them to. “Okay, sweetie. Can you tell me what you were doing before it hurt?” Olivia slowly moved her hand up and down Amanda’s back, starting at the nape of her neck and ending just before her hips. The first time she attempted the movement, she waited for the blonde’s body to relax completely in her arms before she did it again. Now, she could feel the muscles under her fingers tense again in anticipation. Ordinarily, this would have caused Olivia to cease the gesture completely, but as Amanda was still curling into her and not away, the sergeant assumed the younger woman’s reaction had nothing at all to do with the touch.

“I was just movin’ my hand around a little, tryin’ to see what diff’rent things felt like, y’know?” Through her tears, her normal slight southern twang became more pronounced and the crispness of her words became less so.

“Mhm. What happened next?” Olivia’s right hand came to rest at Amanda’s shoulders, and she used her fingers to delicately massage the muscles that lifted to surround her neck. The sergeant had once read that people did that during conflict to avoid being struck in the jugular vein. It was an involuntary physiological response. 

“Well, I moved my hand up a little, and um…”

“I’m listening,” Olivia assured with a gentle squeeze to Amanda’s thigh with her left hand.

That’s probably the last thing Amanda wanted to hear at that moment. She wanted no one to be listening, especially not Olivia who she’d have to face again in just a few minutes. She shivered again, grateful when her girlfriend held her even tighter. “I found my clit I guess.”

“You guess?” It was a gentle question on Olivia’s part, but that made it no less significant.

Amanda ignored the question. “I just kept touchin’ it and it just kept hurting and then I did it again and it hurt more.” The blonde wasn’t one for run-on sentences, but she didn’t know where to end a thought and start the next one anymore. It was all just a chain of thoughts and words, and her train of thought seemed to go on forever. “It’s supposed to feel good and it didn’t.” A pair of fearful crystal blues looked up at Olivia, and the brunette could have sworn she was the most pitiful she had ever looked. “Am I broken? Did Patton ruin me? I wanna be with you, Liv. Do I even have a chance?”

Olivia’s hand left Amanda’s neck and landed right at the back of her head. She brought her lips to the blonde’s forehead and left them there for five, six, seven seconds, watched as Amanda’s eyes gently closed and tears cascaded down her cheeks like a deluge of rain escaping from the clouds of her eyes. “You are not broken.” Amanda could swear that every time she heard Olivia speak to her, her voice was gentler. This was no exception, except somehow her voice also sounded fierce. There was a fire behind it, a fire that she often saved for perps alone. But the combination of the tenderness and the ferocity left an impact on Amanda. She couldn’t ignore Olivia’s words even if she wanted to. There was no way to not believe her. It simply wasn’t possible. 

Olivia let her forehead rest against Amanda’s, bringing up a free hand to wipe as many tears as she could. “I don’t think what happened today was because of Patton, baby.”

Amanda sniffed, eyes snapping open in shock. “You…you don’t?”

“No, sweetheart. I don’t. I think your body was convinced that’s why you were feeling discomfort, but I think there’s a much more straightforward reason why what you did hurt.”

There was an answer? And it didn’t have to do with Patton? Was there hope after all? Amanda shifted her body so that she was looking fully at Liv, as would the most respected professor’s star pupil. “What…what is it?”

“I think one of two things happened, well maybe both did.” Olivia paused. “Do you mind if I get a little clinical with you for a minute?”

Amanda shook her head. Clinical was the best. She could almost pretend they were talking about a stranger. The blonde then immediately trashed the thought. This was about her. That was the point.

“So, you know how the clit is extremely sensitive, right?”

Amanda nodded, trying to convince herself not to blush, but she knew she couldn’t help it. 

“Sometimes that’s not always a good thing. We know that the straightest path to orgasm is clitoral stimulation, but not everyone is exactly the same. Some people like direct stimulation. Other people like more indirect touch. And there’s also a difference in the amount of pressure that people respond to. So all that is to say,” Olivia concluded slowly, making sure Amanda was following, “that the same type of touch that would feel amazing to someone may be extremely painful for someone else.”

“So, the one of two things?”

“I think you touched yourself with too much pressure and/or before you were aroused enough.”

“Well, I don’t think I was aroused at all. I mean, Liv,” Amanda scoffed for a moment, “what am I supposed to do? Light candles? Play music?”

Olivia chuckled, wiping the last of the blonde’s tears. “How about we come up with a plan for the next time you want to try, if you do decide to try again?”

“That would be good. I didn’t exactly feel sexy in my pajamas at nine in the morning.”

Olivia thought for a moment before deciding to chance the next statement, cupping Amanda’s cheek with her right hand and running her thumb along the blonde’s lips. “I think you’re always sexy.”

The blonde blushed as the combination of Liv’s words and touch sent a shiver through her spine, but it didn’t feel bad.

It was a physiological response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Short chapter, I know! But I wanted to get it out before bed tonight and the longer I spent on it, the less genuine it felt. I think this was a really important chapter, and I didn’t want to ruin it by adding more words. I hope you all like it and have a happy new year!


	5. Involuntary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Thank you to those of you who have commented! I notice, and I value you guys! (I value everyone who reads my writing)  
> I want to add an extra trigger warning for this chapter because we will see Olivia and Amanda at work, and SVU is SVU.  
> I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subjects of sexual assault and explicit sex. ANGST TO COME!

Something Good  
Part 5: Involuntary

Olivia finally made it down the stairs the next morning at 7:15, less than thirty minutes before they needed to leave for work. Amanda had woken up first in a turn of events and had been standing at the kitchen window sipping coffee for several minutes, waiting for her girlfriend to descend the stairs. They were renting a small townhouse together, and they both enjoyed the homey feel of it.

Amanda heard the delicate pitter pattering of the sergeant climbing down the stairs and walking towards her, and though nothing was said aloud, the blonde knew exactly what Olivia was thinking. “Good mornin’,” she greeted lightly, not turning her head from the hustle and bustle of the early morning city, hoping the words would suffice as an invitation for the brunette to approach her. 

“Good morning to you,” Olivia echoed, deciding to wrap Amanda in a hug from behind once sufficiently satisfied that the blonde was aware of her presence.

Amanda hummed at the contact, placing her mug down before interlacing her fingers with Olivia’s. “This is definitely a green, just so you know.”

Olivia pressed her lips to the crown of Amanda’s head, breathing in her rose scented shampoo. “You’re coming up with greens faster that I can write them down,” she murmured into Amanda’s hair.

The blonde chuckled. “Not my poster, not my problem.”

Olivia gasped in feigned horror, gently turning Amanda around to face her. “Um, Detective Rollins,” she teased, “I recall you writing on your poster with your yellow sharpie just yesterday evening.”

“Damn,” Amanda lamented, smiling softly and running her fingers down Olivia’s arm before grabbing her hand, “busted.”

Olivia smiled at her girlfriend’s antics for a moment before pecking her lips quickly. “We can update the poster after work, okay?”

The blonde nodded. “I made you coffee by the way. Black, like your—” Amanda interrupted herself as Olivia walked towards the Keurig— “nah, I was gonna say ‘black like your heart’, but I can’t even make that joke with you.”

“Well, I do like my coffee black,” Olivia offered.

“How can you even enjoy it like that?” Amanda questioned, picking up her drink, which was arguably mostly creamer. “Might as well just give it to ya in an IV.”

“I’d agree to that any day,” the older woman admitted, holding her mug up as if in a toast.

Both cops sipped their drinks in peaceful silence for a few minutes. Eventually, Amanda checked the time on her phone. “Are we going to the station first or to Francesca’s house?”

Olivia shook her head in the negative. “Mm. Neither. Her parents are on vacation and don’t want her staying alone in their house, so we’re going to her dorm.”

Amanda was perplexed, as evidenced in the furrowing of her brow. “Her…dorm? Where she was raped?”

The brunette shrugged. “You try explaining that to the Torreses, because God knows Fin and I did.”

“Can we at least bring her to the station for a bit, Liv? Being in that dorm, barely twenty-four hours later, it has to be overwhelming at the very least.”

“She’s nineteen, so we don’t need parental consent.”

Amanda nodded, knowing the challenge that awaited them. “Just hers.” 

Both women discarded their coffee cups in the sink and headed towards the front door. Olivia reached into their front closet and produced two jackets. “Are you sure you’re feeling up to this?” She couldn’t stop herself from asking one more time.

“Interviewing a vic? What I do every day? Yeah, Liv, I’m feelin’ up to this. Nothing’s changed—this is still the job.” Amanda sighed as two feuding voices bickered in her head. On one hand, the pure concern in Olivia’s voice made her heart swell—she really loved her. And the blonde knew that the older woman couldn’t control it; her worry was completely and absolutely involuntary. But on the other hand, she already had a girlfriend and a Sergeant—she didn’t need a babysitter too. There was never going to be an opportunity for Amanda to prove she could do her job if no one let her try.

Olivia paused in front of the door for a moment. “Look, baby, I’m not trying to Mama Bear you—or whatever. I know I said I’d follow your lead and trust your judgement, and that’s what I intend to do.” At Amanda’s unconvinced look, she continued. “Really, I mean it. I just can’t control the worry, especially after what’s happened in the past week. There’s been a lot of processing, for both of us,” she clarified, “but…but I trust you. You’re a good cop and you know your limits. I just had to ask one more time.”

“I know, Liv. And I’m so grateful for that.” Amanda reveled in the physical intimacy that they were starting to be able to have consistently, and she hated that at work, it would have to be fairly minimal, so the blonde took a moment to wrap both arms around Olivia’s neck, pleased when the brunette got the message and returned the gesture by placing her hands on the blonde’s hips, squeezing lightly. “I know you’re always going to worry, and there may always be reason to worry—we both know that’s the nature of the healing process. But,” she emphasized, fingering the stray wisps of hair at the nape of Olivia’s neck, “I want you to take this as assurance that right now, in this moment, I feel good. And we’ll just have to take everything else as it comes.”

Liv smiled softly. “Alright. Let’s go.”

The two women took the short drive to Francesca’s dorm, Olivia knocking gently on her door when they arrived. Amanda took a steadying breath, realizing she was feeling slightly nervous. She had hoped Olivia wouldn’t notice the shaky rise and fall of her shoulders, but she knew it was too much to wish for. The brunette placed a steadying hand on Amanda’s lower back, but only for a moment. The truth is the blonde was feeling more anxious about interviewing a victim than she had felt in a significant amount of time. Previously, when a survivor had asked Amanda if she understand what they were going through, she just casually swayed the conversation back in their direction. But based on what Olivia had shared, Francesca and Olivia had reached a stalemate. 

Amanda would have to disclose.

After about a minute passed and neither women heard anything from behind the door, Olivia knocked once more. The brunette could empathize about why Francesca didn’t want to let anyone inside her room. “Francesca, it’s Olivia.” A pause in which there was only silence. “I brought a friend to come talk.”

Footsteps. 

When the door opened, only a head revealed itself, and it said nothing. Amanda took in Francesca for the first time. The young woman, though only nineteen-years-old, possessed dark circles under her piercing eyes that added at least ten years of age to her looks. Her hair was disheveled and wet, like she had taken several showers and hadn’t brushed it. Her pupils were dilated, and the whites of her eyes were bloodshot. 

The blonde stepped slightly forward, but only enough to express that she was about to speak. “Francesca,” she said softly. “My name is Amanda. I thought you and I could talk for a little while today.”

The Hispanic woman opened her door slightly more, revealing her small frame and sock-cladded feet. “Chess,” she corrected. She sniffed before continuing. “Are you—were you—” 

Amanda nodded sadly, planting both her feet solidly on the ground as she began to feel somewhat nauseated. “Yes, Chess, I was. Do you think we can talk for a little while? Olivia said you wanted to speak to someone who understood.”  
Chess nodded, fully opening the door. “Do you want to come in?”

“Well, actually, Chess,” Amanda began to ask, “do you wanna get out of here?”

The young woman nodded vehemently. “Please. Just let me put on shoes.”

Olivia and Amanda both nodded, but it was the Sergeant who spoke. “Of course, Chess. Take your time.”

Francesca cleared her throat and reentered her dorm room, closing the door behind her. 

Amanda eyed Olivia for a moment. “You said she was hiding somethin’? She seems pretty straightforward to me.”

Olivia shrugged. “If she stays that way, I’m not gonna complain.” Francesca showed herself then, padding out of her dorm room and closing the door behind her. Olivia smiled softly. “You ready?”

She looked at Amanda and then back at Olivia. “Are you, are you coming with us?”

“Is that okay?” The oldest of the three asked. 

Francesca nodded. “Where are we going?”

“Oh, I thought we’d grab some breakfast and go to the police station. There’s a lounge that would be comfortable to talk in,” Amanda offered as the three began to walk together towards the parking lot.

“But…is…is he?” 

“No, Chess,” Olivia confirmed. “He’s not here. Justin is in jail, okay? You won’t have to see him today.”

“But I will…in court?”

Amanda stepped forward, keeping time with Francesca for a moment in order to say, “How about we take it one day at a time, yeah?”

Chess nodded. “Are you sure it’s okay if I leave campus? I was supposed to have class today.” She looked down for a moment, seemingly ashamed. “I wasn’t going to go though.”

Olivia let herself trail behind her girlfriend and Francesca, hoping the younger woman would feel more secure in talking if it was almost as if they were alone.

“Why not?” Amanda asked, hoping the open-ended question would help the girl speak freely. 

“It’s just so embarrassing. I mean, everyone is talking, and….” She trailed off.

“And what, Francesca?” The blonde gently pressed, hoping she would say something she had not previously revealed. According to Liv, Carisi, and Fin, Francesca had a pretty solid story, but after a few hours of interviewing, she had gone quiet and seemed unsure if her case was worth pursuing. The law enforcement officers all knew that it meant she was hiding something, but none of them had any idea what it was. 

“Nothing.” She feigned a smile.

When Amanda, Francesca, and Olivia made it to Olivia’s car, the blonde opened the passenger side door for the youngest of them, before grabbing the keys from her girlfriend and occupying the driver’s seat. Olivia was relegated to the back, but that’s what she would have decided if given the choice. 

“So, who has the best breakfast around her?” Amanda asked, putting the car in reverse.

They decided to go through the Starbucks drive-thru for ease and time’s sake, Olivia opting for her second dark roast of the day and the other two women ordering breakfast sandwiches. After they’d arrived at the police station, Olivia led them up the stairs and into a rarely used lounge so that they would have privacy. 

“I’m going to leave you two alone to talk,” Olivia declared once they’d filed in. “Detective Rollins, you can call me on my cell if you need anything,” the brunette said to Amanda, and by the pointed look she gave her girlfriend, the detective knew it was more than an invitation.

“Copy that, Sergeant,” she acknowledged, and once Olivia had left the room, Amanda turned to Francesca. “Why don’t you have a seat?”

The young girl sat at the edge of one of the chairs, Amanda following by sitting in a chair that was cattycorner to Francesca. The blonde wanted to face her without appearing confrontational.

“Do you want me to tell you the whole story again?” Chess asked after a tense silence.

Amanda leaned forward. “How about you tell me whatever you feel comfortable telling me about?” The blonde had gotten the basics from the rest of the squad but wanted to hear as much as possible from Francesca herself. The truth of the matter was that she was a living, breathing, feeling crime scene and her story mattered.

Francesca nodded. “I felt a breeze first.”

“A breeze,” Amanda reflected. “What do you remember about it?”

The blonde watched as the survivor in front of her slowly closed her eyes. “It was cold. It’s always cold in the dorms in the fall because it takes a few weeks for the heat to be turned on. But it was colder than usual. And that’s what woke me up. And then—” Francesca swallowed hard. “Footsteps.”

“You’re doing great, Chess. This is really helpful. Tell me about the footsteps.” Already, this was more than Liv and the others had gotten from her. She had quickly mentioned that he came in through the window, but Francesca was sharing the details now. She didn’t know if it was because their shared survivor hood had afforded them instant rapport or for some other reason, but Amanda was glad the young woman felt comfortable sharing with her.

“Soft at first, and then louder. We had had a fight earlier in the day, so I thought he had come in to apologize. When we first started dating, he made a copy of Patricia’s key, and the windows have the same locks as the doors. That’s how he got in.” 

Normally Amanda interviewed survivors who didn’t remember some aspect of their assault, and the SVU was searching for an unknown perp. At this point, the squad was focused on handing Barba a rock-solid case. “Do you remember what happened next?” The blonde knew that getting an accurate answer to that question wasn’t always guaranteed with trauma survivors, but she usually chanced it once just in case. 

“The bed creaked. He climbed onto my bed. I was scared that my roommate would hear him, but she was out. He whispered…he whispered in my ear…” Francesca stopped speaking for a minute, and Amanda could see tears streaming down her face. She grabbed a box of tissues from a table and went to sit next to her, offering her a tissue.

“Take your time, Chess, okay? One word at a time. Focus on one word at a time.”

Chess wiped her nose with the tissue Amanda handed her. “He said he knew how I could make it up to him. You know, the fight?”

Amanda nodded. “Mhm.”

“He put his hand in my underwear. I tried to stop him, but he held me down. He’s really strong.”

“Can you tell me, Chess, what did your body feel like?”

“Just…heavy. And hot. I went from being too cold to being too hot.”

“Where were you hot?”

“Everywhere,” Chess wailed. 

“What did you feel after that?” Amanda questioned.

“It was just bad. Bad. He stopped using his hand and—” Francesca stopped short, ending her sentence bluntly in the middle.

Amanda leaned forward, meeting Chess’s eyes, before gently coaxing, “You can tell me. I’m listening.”

Francesca’s eyes travelled down to her lap, and Amanda watches as she absently played with her own fingers. “He unbuttoned his jeans,” she sniffled. “I remember how rough the fabric felt against my legs every time he—” Again, Chess cut herself off, this time practically launching herself into Amanda’s arms. “I can’t. I can’t do this,” she bawled.

Amanda allowed herself to hold the trembling girl, noting it had been a while since she had been on this side of the equation. “You already did, Chess,” she praised. “You did it, and you did amazing. Listen,” she implored as Francesca pulled away, looking embarrassed at her outburst. “I know, I know how hard this is. And you did it anyway. You are so strong. Never forget that.”

The girl sniffled for a moment, gathering her composure. “Did I hurt the other detective’s feelings?”

“Who? Olivia?”

“Francesca nodded.

“Why would you think that, sweetie?”

“Because, because I didn’t want to talk to her,” she revealed. “She was so nice, but she just didn’t get it. She couldn’t. And I could see it in your eyes when we were talking—you get it. And I just needed that. Thank you.”

Amanda smiled, reaching out a hand to place it on Francesca’s shoulder. “It’s my job to listen, and I am so sorry this happened to you.”  
“Can I ask you a question?” she wondered after a minute of silence.

“Of course.”

A blush formed on Francesca’s cheeks. “When you—I mean, did you, did you climax?”

Realization settled over Amanda’s features. This is what Francesca was hiding. This is why she wasn’t sure it was worth it to press charges against her assailant. This was way she needed to talk to her and not Olivia. This was why.

Amanda opened her mouth to speak, but suddenly she noted she had no idea what to say. She had never had this particular conversation with a vic before. She knew Liv had, and she found herself pondering what she would do. She knew the speech Olivia would give survivors by heart about this. It was a no-brainer, an involuntary physiological response, but it was one that Amanda had absolutely no familiarity with; she didn’t even know how it worked with consensual sexual contact. How the hell was she supposed to explain to a survivor, who’s bodily autonomy was violently stolen from her, that even her own body had betrayed her?

Moreover, how was she supposed to answer Francesca’s question? If the answer were yes, she’d be more easily able to explain what she longed to tell the younger woman, but of course the answer was not yes, and a lie would be counterproductive. If the answer were no, which it was, she was basically saying that her own rape was more “legitimate” than Francesca’s, even if it weren’t her intention. 

Eventually Amanda decided to answer a question with another question, effectively ignoring what she wanted to know. “Chess, are you telling me that you did?”

“Is that…is that normal? I mean, does that mean that I wanted it, deep down or something?”

Amanda shook her head vehemently. “No, Francesca. It doesn’t mean that at all. You were attacked and your body did whatever it could to cope, to survive.”

“So, it happens?” Chess asked in confirmation.

“It’s more common than you think,” the blonde assured. “It’s involuntary, and it’s an example of a phenomenon called arousal non-concordance,” Amanda articulated. She wasn’t sure why she decided to go into detail about this, but she knew that this whole situation bothered her. “It’s basically when what you want and what your body does aren’t correlated at all. So, sometimes victims of sexual violence climax and sometimes people who enthusiastically consent to sexual contact…don’t. It has nothing to do with what someone wants or doesn’t want, and I want you to know, Chess, it means nothing for your case.” 

“What if Justin tells his lawyer and he askes me about it during the trial?” Francesca panicked. 

“Is that why you didn’t want to tell anyone?” she hinted.

“I guess I just figured the less people that know, the better. But then I realized, I don’t know what to say if they tell me I wanted it, if they say they have evidence.”

Amanda nodded. “You tell them the truth, Chess. You tell them that you have evidence too.”

Francesca nodded. “Is he getting released from jail today?”

“Well, today, he’s getting arraigned,” Amanda explained. “Which means the judge is gonna to tell him what he’s being charged with—rape in the first degree—and the lawyers will negotiate bail. Our ADA, Barba, who you met yesterday, is going to argue that your safety will be at risk if he is released.” She sighed. “The process is…complicated, but we’re gonna to walk you through this. You just have to do your best to be as honest as possible. And I know that’s hard sometimes. Sometimes you literally can’t remember what happened, you just know it was…bad,” she finished after struggling for words. “Other times you feel so ashamed, you think you’ll die if you say what he did to you out loud. I’ve been there. So, I promise, Chess. You can tell me anythin’.”

Chess took a shaky breath. “So, what I told you today…”

“It was the right thing to do. Now we’re more prepared for the trial.” Amanda’s heart ached for the woman who sat next to her. The empathy was nearly overwhelming, but she focused her attention towards using it for good.

“So, other people have to know?”

The blonde nodded. “I’ll do my best to keep it close,” was all she could offer. “I don’t know how much background you have about how these trials work, but trust me—the more our ADA knows, the better.”

Francesca let herself smile halfheartedly. “I do trust you. So,” she continued after a moment, “I guess, it’s time to go back to my dorm, huh?”

“About that,” Amanda remarked, standing up. “What do you think about us puttin’ you up in a hotel for a few nights? Just so you can get your bearings.”

“Oh, I could never ask you to do that,” the girl lamented, looking down after taking Amanda’s lead and standing up as well.

“Hey,” the detective soothed, placing a hand on Francesca’s back. “You’re not asking. We’re offerin’.”

Chess relented. “If you’re sure.”

“Absolutely.”

A few hours later, after Francesca had been set up at a hotel near the police station, Olivia and Amanda drove together towards their apartment. “Have you talked to Barba? How did the arraignment go?” the blonde asked.

Olivia sighed. “He tried for remand.”

“He always does. What did he get?”

“20k and an ankle monitor.”

“How well off is Blake? Do you think he’ll make bail?” Amanda asked after a disheartened shake of her head. 

“Don’t know,” Olivia conceded, reaching out to take Amanda’s hand on the center console, squeezing lightly. “Barba knows to call me immediately if he does. I’ll stake out his house if I have to.”

“We all will.”

“You two seemed like you hit it off,” Liv observed. 

“Yeah,” Amanda replied, letting go of Olivia’s hand and resting it in her own lap. “She…um…she told me the reason she thought the trial wasn’t worth it.”

“Oh?” the sergeant inquired, turning her head slightly to look at her girlfriend as she pulled into their subdivision. 

“Yeah, she um, she orgasmed.”

Olivia pulled into a parking spot in front of their home, put the car in park, and pulled out the key. The brunette knew this must have been a difficult conversation for her girlfriend. “What did you say?” 

“At first I didn’t know what to say,” Amanda admitted. “You always have the right thing to say, Liv, and I was sitting there blabbering like an idiot about arousal non-concordance.

“I didn’t know you knew the term ‘arousal non-concordance’.”

“Yeah, well when I joined the squad, I wanted to be you, so I did my own research. But the point is you're so natural with survivors. And I just sound like a semi-compassionate nerd.” She sighed, unbuckling her seatbelt. Olivia did the same. Amanda reached up to rub her eyes, something she did in response to stress. “And the whole situation just frustrated me because if orgasm is supposed to be this amazing thing that is the result of enormous pleasure--then why the hell did this happen to her? Why does she have to feel so dirty and so invalidated? Is this something even worth chasing for me? And now I sound like a selfish ass, who's responding to someone else’s extremely traumatic event with thoughts about how it applies to me.”  
Olivia turned to her girlfriend, smiling softly at her with a level of compassion that almost made the blonde squirm in the passenger seat. “Amanda you work with survivors and you're a survivor. You can’t expect to be completely unaffected. And just so you know, I would have told her the same thing. When everyone is making assumptions about your experience based on subjective information, facts can be incredibly comforting. Which you know. Baby, I think you’re second-guessing yourself because of your own relationship with arousal. And that’s also involuntary. Right? It’s all about association in your brain, and you can’t control that. After you two talked,” Olivia assured, “Francesca seemed lighter. You did that. I’ve been doing this for twenty years, and I’ll never be able to empathize with survivors the way you can. I wish that wasn’t the case. I wish your qualifications ended at ‘dedicated and compassionate detective with several years’ experience’, but as much as I wish I could change it, the cards you were dealt are different. Amanda, it doesn’t make you a less compassionate cop, it makes you better. That girl is lucky to have you.”

Amanda nodded. “I just wanted to tell you because I didn’t want to take it home.”

“I get it,” Olivia understood. “Are you ready to go inside now?”

Once Amanda established that she was indeed ready to go inside, the two entered their townhouse together. “We had stuff to add to the poster, right?” Amanda questioned.

Olivia raised an eyebrow. “You’re not even going to give yourself five minutes to breathe?” she puzzled, following an unstoppable Amanda into their bedroom, finding her unravelling the poster and frantically rummaging through her bedside drawer for markers.

“Yeah, I just feel like I need something to do,” she stammered, waving her hands in the air for additional expression. “And it’s on my mind, so….”

“Okay,” Olivia agreed. “Let’s just take a breath first,” she implored softly, sitting at the edge of their bed.

Every feature on Amanda’s face dropped. “I’m sorry, Liv. I don’t mean to put you through this.”

Liv shook her head. “Hey, come here, sit down,” she gestured to the space next to her. Amanda came to sit with her girlfriend, and Olivia wrapped one arm around her waist, reaching out for her hand with   
the other. “You’re not putting me through anything, sweetheart,” she reassured. “I’m literally just trying to remind you to breathe.”

“Well, breathing is involuntary so I’m not gonna forget.”

“Only partially so,” Liv corrected gently, “and I don’t want you passing out to prove a point.”

Amanda laughed almost maniacally. “That is something I would do, isn’t it?” She reached both hands up to cover her face, sighing loudly for a moment. “I’m spinnin’,” she acknowledged.

“Mhm,” Olivia concurred. “I’m happy to work on the poster with you, but I’m not sure you’re in the right mental space to do so.”

“You’re right, Liv. I can barely think straight right now. I didn’t think today would be so overwhelming.”

Olivia nodded, placing a comforting hand on Amanda’s thigh and moving it slowly up and down. “That’s understandable. What can I do for you?”

Amanda shrugged. “I’m not sure. I guess I’m the queen of not knowing what I need, huh?”

Olivia chose not to delve into Amanda’s question, deciding it would likely spur her on. “Just close your eyes and think about it for a second. You don’t have to automatically know as long as you can figure it out, and I bet you can. I’m right here.”

“Well, I haven’t been sleeping so well lately.”

Olivia nodded. “A nap? You need a nap?”

“With you,” Amanda clarified. “Can we lie down and just be together?”

The sergeant smiled, reaching out to tuck a stray strand of blonde hair behind Amanda’s ear. “Always. Thank you for asking.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I hope you guys liked this chapter!  
> By the way, what inspired the events of the chapter was a Ted Talk I watched last years that seriously changed the way I look at sex and sexual assault, as well as many other things. It honestly changed my life. I hope it’s impactful for you too!   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-q-tSHo9Ho&t=788s


	6. One Step Forward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you guys for reading and reviewing! If you haven't reviewed yet, please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story, as well as any suggestions you may have. I also realized one of the mistakes in the last chapter was the link I posted at the end. So, if you want to watch the video I referenced about arousal nonconcordance, you can just youtube search "Ted Talk the truth about unwanted arousal".   
> We are officially halfway through this story, and it's about to heat up. For the most part, every chapter from now on will feature explicit sexual content. Please feel free to let me know if there is something specific you would like to see!  
> I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subjects of sexual assault and explicit sex. ANGST TO COME!

Something Good  
Part 6: One Step Forward

Amanda sighed as Olivia's lips danced down her neck and across her collarbone. The brunette looked swiftly up at her girlfriend's face to make sure she was still in acceptable territory, and after a quick nod from the blonde, she resumed her previous actions as they lied in bed together.

It had been a little over a month since the two had created their poster, and they were moving "yellows" over to the green side almost daily. Neither had brought up touches in the red column, but they were still making incremental progress, which both women knew was the best type of progress when it came to re-learning (or learning) safe touch.

On this particular day, after working almost twenty-four hours non-stop, they had both come home and slept for a likely unreasonable amount of time. When they woke up recharged, Amanda had suggested they spend some time working on physical intimacy. Olivia was happy to oblige.

The police sergeant's lips travelled back up to where Amanda most wanted them. They kissed for several moments, the blonde eventually pulling away slightly. "I love you," Amanda whispered, so close that Olivia could feel the words against her lips.

"I love you too," the brunette promised softly before pressing her lips against Amanda's once more. This time it was the normally very careful Olivia who decided to deepen the kiss, allowing her tongue to protrude beyond her lips only slightly, just enough for Amanda to get the message.

The detective gleefully accepted the invitation to kiss more passionately, and though the kiss was deeper, it retained slow and languid properties, almost like a well-choreographed dance. Olivia felt Amanda's hands weave into her hair and hummed in contentment. Liv had so missed experiencing this kind of intimacy. It had been years since she had pursued anything more than a one night stand, and it's not like she did that much either. She had always believed that kissing someone you loved had the potential to be more intimate than casual sex. Of course, she knew that casual sex had its place, and she would be the first to admit that, but just being this close to Amanda felt more special, more vulnerable even, like a different kind of naked.

Amanda felt Olivia wavering in the fervency with which she was moving against her, so she reluctantly pulled their lips apart. "Liv, are you okay?"  
Olivia smiled softly, letting the fingernails of her right hand lightly scratch Amanda's side. "Yeah, I'm good," she assured, realizing her girlfriend had felt her become absent, "just thinking about how grateful I am to be able to do this with you."

Amanda smiled in return, but her features also expressed regret. "Me too, Liv. I'm sorry it's taken this long."

Olivia shushed her with a gentle finger to her lips. "That's not what I meant, baby. You know I'm in no rush. Your pace is our pace."

The blonde nodded. "I'm still sorry." She gestured for Olivia to move from her position semi on top of her, and the sergeant obeyed, hoping Amanda wasn't beginning to feel self-conscious.

"Are you okay?" Olivia echoed her girlfriend's earlier question. "I am grateful we can do this now, but I wasn't upset when we couldn't." She flopped herself over that so they were both lying prone, side by side.

Amanda shook her head. Olivia wasn't getting the point. "I know you're not upset. I'm upset. I just keep thinkin' about the lost time. This. Being together," she stressed, "it just feels right. And I know that the more we practice and the more intimate we get, it's just going to feel better and better. Liv, I'm just afraid that after all this, when we finally get…there"—she gestured vaguely with her hands—"and the world doesn't end for me, and everything goes perfectly fine, that I'm gonna think, 'why couldn't we have been doin' this all along?'" She sighed, rolling herself so that she hovered slightly over her girlfriend. "Does that make any sense at all?"

Olivia reached out to caress Amanda's bare arm with the knuckles of her right hand, tucking a stray strand of hair behind the blonde's ear with her left. "Of course it does. And it doesn't help that this is getting easier for us, but 'Manda, you deserve time. It's not lost. It's yours. There's absolutely no reason for us to rush into having sex and risk hurting the progress we've made in the past month. That's how I see it," was her disclaimer as she gently guided Amanda into resting her head on her chest, "but from what you're saying, I get the sense that you see it differently, and I hear you, I do. But can I ask   
you a question about this?"

The younger woman looked up at Olivia for a moment before nodding hesitantly. "I don't want you to censor yourself here and I don't want you to think I'm judging you for feeling the way you do," she coaxed, running a hand up and down Amanda's back slowly. "I'm just trying to understand your thoughts on this." Amanda nodded expectantly. "Is there any part of you that is wanting to speed up this process because you think it will make me happy to just be able to have sex?" The brunette didn't want to have to ask this question, and more than that, she didn't want to hear the answer. She knew to an expert degree the effect that long-lasting sexual trauma could have on the psyche. And though the relationships that Amanda had been in before her were arguably not quite abusive, it was clear that if her sexual needs with her old boyfriends weren't being met, then her emotional needs certainly weren't. All of her childhood, Amanda watched her mother use "sex" as a bartering tool—as in, "you can have your way with me, just please don't let the girls see the bruises"— and she had spent the better part of her adult life having sex exclusively for other people. Her entire view of the experience was skewed by   
trauma, and it would take more than a few comforting phrases on Olivia's part to put the pieces of the puzzle in the right spots.

Amanda wriggled herself out of Olivia's arms in order to sit up and maintain better eye contact with her girlfriend who remained on her back. "Well, won't it? Make you happy, I mean," she prodded after a moment.

Olivia reached out a hand and placed it carefully on Amanda's knee. She had a feeling this was the reason for the blonde being anxious about the speed of their progress. A nauseated sensation started in her belly and made its way up her esophagus, landing in the back of her throat. She frowned momentarily as she searched for the right words to convey her thoughts in a calm and rational manner.

Amanda immediately knew she had made a mistake. She'd just accused Olivia of the worst thing the SVU sergeant could possibly be accused of. She basically had just told Olivia fucking Benson that she believed she'd be happy to have sex with Amanda, even if she knew she wasn't yet ready. She told her that she'd be happy to take advantage of the blonde in a vulnerable position, that she'd be happy to—

"Amanda." It was as if Olivia could read her mind and wanted to stop her emotional spinning, like a top clunking its way down a spiral staircase, taking several hits along the way. The brunette physically couldn't stay lying in the bed anymore. She sat up, crossing her legs like a pretzel and facing Amanda directly so that their knees touched. "Are you in the right headspace to hear the most important thing I'll probably ever tell you?"

Olivia's voice was tender and gentle, but the words she used caused Amanda's eyes to grow wide, and she couldn't stop a tear or two from escaping her eyes or the panicked croak of "I'm sorry." It was the only thing that came to mind other than "I know what I did."

If it were possible, Olivia's features would have lowered farther in desperation. "Baby, I don't want you to be sorry. That's the point," she slowly explained, deciding not to reach out her hands in comfort. Initiating any touch while Amanda felt this helpless would be wrong.

Amanda was confused, and in her fear, Olivia noted she looked almost childlike. "But I don't understand. What do you want me to be? I want to do what you want."

The brunette swallowed thickly, barely able to resist the urge to wipe the tears from the blonde's eyes and hardly able to keep her own threatening tears at bay. She reminded herself that this was often the nature of the healing process—one step forward and two steps back. "I don't want you to be anything," she tried, noticing the phrasing of it didn't sound quite as compassionate as she'd hoped. "I want you to be safe," was her next attempt, and after observing some relief wash over Amanda's eyes, she hopped onto that train. "I want you to know that you deserve so much more than what you've gotten in life, and your body and spirit deserve to be treated with more respect than you will ever realize. I want you to afford yourself the compassion and patience that you are entitled to, but mostly," she managed to choke out, "mostly, I want you to know that your sense of safety means more to me than anything else in the entire world, and I want you to know that I'd wait forever for you to be ready, and I still wouldn't go anywhere. Because the only way having sex with you would make me happy is if it made you happy too."

A wave of understanding smacked Amanda upside the head like a brick as she vaguely registered Olivia's phone vibrating, which the sergeant purposefully ignored. The blonde couldn't stop herself from reaching out to graze Olivia's stern features with each of her fingers. The older woman's eyes glistened with unshed tears and her lips parted with unspoken words. Amanda let the palm of her hand rest against Olivia's cheek and watched as she closed her eyes, letting one tear travel the length of her face.

It was the sound of Amanda swallowing hard that caused Olivia's eyes to open. Still, she did not speak, wanting to allow her girlfriend to process the meaning of the promises she had just made. "Olivia, I…" The blonde thought for a moment, dropping her hand from the brunette's cheek and letting it rest on her shoulder, fingering pieces of brown hair. "I know that," she vowed, aware her words didn't make sense. "I know it, but still I don't," she explained. "And you're not the problem. God, you could never be the problem. Liv"—Amanda sighed deeply, settling further onto her knees—"you make me feel so safe. Safer than I've ever felt in my entire life. But I'm broken."

Olivia shook her head in response, not wanting Amanda to believe such a thing about herself. "I am," the detective insisted. "I'm broken. And that doesn't mean I can't be fixed. But the time it takes…Mm. Sweetheart, it is not your responsibility to fix me, and when I regress, that's not your fault either. It's part of the process."

"Part of the process," Olivia echoed back in a whisper. She understood what Amanda was saying, and she even agreed with it. But if Amanda's subconscious thoughts about their relationship were as bad as she thought they were, they had taken more than two steps back. "I want—" she shook her head again—"I need you to believe that I would never, never," she emphasized, "touch you or want to…"

Amanda effectively hushed her by tenderly grabbing both sides of Olivia's face. She couldn't bare to listen to her finish. The blonde knew she had caused the pain in the brunette's voice, even if she hadn't meant to, and her heart throbbed. "I'm not afraid of you," she promised. "I…I'm sort of just afraid in general." The blonde felt the thrumming in her chest slow, and calm settled over her. "All of this has just been overwhelming, and there's been lots of feeling. I want this for myself too, Liv, but I do also want to make you happy. And not because I think you'll leave me if I don't put out or because I think you'll take advantage of the situation as soon as there's even a part of me that thinks I'm ready. Trust me, babe. I know you. I wouldn't put it past you to bring home a lie detector test." Olivia laughed quickly before pressing her lips to one of the palms occupying her face. "I want to make you happy because I love you, and I'm still working on believing I can do that without disrespecting my boundaries. Just bear with me until I get there."

The brunette nodded, scooting as close to Amanda as she could, cradling her face in her hands in the same way the younger woman had just done with her. "I'm happy now," she reassured. "And I'm happy to do this the right way, with patience and care. I want to have sex with you, believe me I want to. But I want to have sex with you, and not a moment before you're entirely ready." She rested her forehead against her girlfriend's and spoke slowly, meaningfully. "I do not care how long it takes."

Amanda's phone sprung to life at that moment, and the blonde pulled away from her girlfriend's touch. Olivia had put hers on vibrate, but Amanda had decided to be semi-responsible before they'd gone to bed the night before. The blonde's eyes darted to her bedside table and then back to Olivia's gaze. She didn't want to interrupt the important conversation the two were having, but if both the sergeant and the detective were being called, it was clearly a pressing matter. Olivia nodded to Amanda, letting her know she should pick up the phone.

"It's Barba," she told Olivia, removing the device from the charger. "Rollins."

"Rollins, are you with Liv?" the ADA asked.

"Yeah, why?" Amanda linked her fingers with Olivia's as she spoke, wanting to communicate to her that she was okay and that she trusted her.

"I called her twice and she didn't pick up," Barba explained. "It just wasn't like her is all."

"Her phone was on vibrate and we were talking. What's up?" she inquired, changing the subject.

Olivia rubbed circles into Amanda's hand with her thumb as she watched her listen, unable to hear Barba's words.

"No." Amanda was clearly shocked at something.

"What? No way! He broke into her dorm room and held her down. Didn't you see the bruises on her wrists—that is not rape three!"

Olivia frowned. She knew how often rape cases were pled out, and more so, how often survivors got less justice than they deserved.

"Rafael, that's a class D felony. He won't even get five years!"

An uneasy pause as Amanda listened. "Well, what does Francesca want to do?"

The blonde's eyes met Olivia's, and the sergeant gave her a sad smile. "Of course she doesn't want to testify." Amanda pinched the bridge of her nose. "If you don't give Blake this deal, what do you think the chances of a conviction are?"

Olivia continued to watch Amanda's reactions as she listened and spoke. She could pretty much tell exactly what their ADA was saying just by observing Amanda's face. "Barba, this is a shit deal, and you know it."

The tightened features of her face softened after a moment, and she felt Olivia's hand move to her back, giving her support. "No, of course I understand. Yes, it's better than nothin'. Okay, yeah, I'll tell her."

When Amanda hung up, Olivia wouldn't have been surprised if she had flung her phone across the room. "Damn defense attorney wouldn't agree to anything more than rape three," she explained.

Olivia nodded, letting her hand rest in Amanda's hair. "I'm so sorry, 'Manda. I know how invested you are in this case."

Amanda continued as if Olivia hadn't spoken. "Classic 'he said, she said.' Barba didn't think there was any chance for a conviction at this point. He had a key, and apparently to a jury, that means 'come on in any time, and fuck me against my will while you're at it!' They never would have believed a Latina immigrant who was dating her attacker."

Amanda shook her head once more, letting the feeling that nothing she did was ever truly enough wash over her painfully.

One step forward, two steps back.

They managed to regain that step about a week later, when Amanda found herself empowered to gather information about her personal next steps. "Hey, Liv?" she greeted as the brunette stepped into their bedroom. Olivia eyed the piece of poster board in front of her, immediately noting it was their "Green, Yellow, Red" list.

"What's up?" she asked, placing the mug of tea she had gotten for Amanda on her bedside table and sitting down next to her, directing her attention to the words in front of her.

"Do you have any…uh…tips for when I decide to try this particular activity again?"

Olivia's eyes traveled down to where the blonde was pointing, to the space in-between the yellow and red columns where Amanda had clearly only recently written the phrase "touch myself" in orange sharpie, as if the poster was a venn diagram.

The brunette admired the honesty behind Amanda labelling it "not quite yellow and not quite red" and smiled softly, taking the poster gently from her and setting it down on the ground out of the way of where they walked. Olivia adjusted the positioning of her body so that she was facing Amanda better, reaching out to take one of her hands in her own.

Amanda literally looked like she was trying to suck her blush back in, and though she didn't like how she felt in the moment, she didn't regret asking the question. She knew they wouldn't likely get further together until Amanda did some work on her own. She was willing to do her part, but she definitely needed a path to follow.

"Thank you for asking me that," was what Liv decided to start with. If someone had told Amanda ten years ago that's she'd one day be attempting to casually discuss best practices for masturbation with Olivia Benson, she probably would have had a heart attack.

"I, um," Amanda tried to reply, "I'm just lookin' for roadmap type things."

Olivia nodded. "I have some ideas; do you feel like you're ready to hear them?"

"Mhm." Amanda felt her face flush even more. "I know my heart is beatin' fast, and I'm probably redder than Clifford, but I do really want to talk about this."

"It's okay," Olivia laughed softly at her girlfriend's joke. "I know your body is just trying to keep you safe. I'll listen to your words," she promised.

Amanda smiled awkwardly, taking a deep breath in preparation for what genuinely felt like a new frontier. "So, where do I start?"

Olivia sighed deeply, squeezing Amanda's hand within her own. "Well, I would say step one is lube. Like a lot of it. You can't have too much lube."

Amanda groaned softly. "I don't even know anything about lube," she huffed.

Olivia smiled. "That's okay. I can order some off of amazon for us. No rush to use it, but we can keep it in your cabinet." She gestured to the nightstand by Amanda's side of the bed.

"Alright, so I have lube." Amanda sat up farther, appreciating the feel of Olivia's hand wrapped around hers. Her touch was so grounding, Amanda couldn't imagine a situation in which having physical contact with Olivia wouldn't make things better. "What next?"

"There's very little research on female masturbation," Olivia explained, "because—"

Amanda nodded. "No need to elaborate on that one. I live in our society."

Olivia shrugged in agreement. "But, I stumbled upon a sex therapist with a method for exploring what feels right a few years ago, and I kind of like the way it works."

Amanda smirked. "Not Mindy again."

"No, not Mindy," Olivia assured with a sly smile. "It's kind of like Goldilocks, experimenting with different things one at a time until they are just right. You're not going over the rainbow, just kind of casually hanging out on it. Usually it's supposed to be done with you by yourself, but if you would feel more comfortable with me being there or with me touching you, I'm okay with changing it a bit, even if it makes it slightly more complicated. The most important thing is that you feel safe."

"I mean, I wanna try it. But I still don't get how it works."

"I'm okay with giving you more details, love, I just wanted to check in first. I know sometimes you can get overwhelmed with all of this."

Amanda nodded. "Thank you for checking in." She took a deep breath. "Yeah, I'm good. I'm ready to listen." The blonde didn't add this part aloud, but she could listen to Olivia talk about literally anything, and she could listen to her talk about it forever. Sing the alphabet? Oh yeah! Recite the contacts from her phone? Bring it on! Advice on how to have your first orgasm? Sure, why not?! "Here, I'll even start for you. Step one is lube!"

Olivia chuckled lightly for a moment. "Step one is lube," she agreed. "So, do you remember when I told you that different people like different types of pressure and speed?" Amanda nodded. "So basically, what you're going to do is figure that out for yourself. And something important to be aware of is—well, the clit is really finicky and doesn't like to be touched before you're really turned on. I think that's why you were hurting last time. Which brings me to one more thing before I get back on the Goldilocks train—if something hurts, please stop. You shouldn't feel pain unless you want to."

"I don't want to," Amanda provided.

"That's what I figured." Olivia nodded, curling one leg under another to adjust her body into a more comfortable position. "Lube is going to help with that issue, okay?"

Amanda nodded, a furious blush forming on her face as a thought struck her. "The getting turned on thing, sometimes that happens when we kiss."

Olivia smiled, her knuckles softly caressing an apple-red cheek. "That's only a bad thing if you're not comfortable with it."

"I'm comfortable with it," Amanda assured. "It feels nice, warm and safe."

The blonde had certainly never associated the words "warm" and "safe" with sexual stimuli before and knowing this, Olivia couldn't help but beam with pride. Amanda was making progress, and even if she didn't think it was happening fast enough, this was proof that slow and steady wins the race.

"Okay, back to Goldilocks." Amanda wanted Olivia to share whatever she thought would be useful, but she had felt lost on this journey (sometimes just lost, period) for so long, that the thought of being handed a map by someone she felt so extraordinarily safe with was so unbelievably exciting, she just felt compelled to keep her girlfriend on track.

"Back to Goldilocks. Okay, so generally you should start by figuring out if you like direct pressure or indirect pressure. I'll share that I like direct pressure, but everyone is different. To figure it out, you'll take one or two fingers, lube 'em up, and start making wide circles around your clit, making them more and more tight and then back out again, until you figure out what you like best."

"And don't do it unless I'm turned on." Amanda let herself reflect these things aloud to Olivia, almost willing herself to become comfortable discussing it. Because she probably should be able to talk about it if she intended to do it.

Olivia nodded. "Next is the amount of pressure…"

Amanda found herself interrupting the older woman. "I'm guessing this is like Goldilocks sitting in the chairs. I don't want to break the small chair, but if it's too big, I'm not even going to feel it." The blonde saw the amused look Olivia was giving her. "Goldilocks was my favorite story as a kid," she explained with a light laugh. 'It's an appropriate metaphor."

"Yes, so after you figure out what chair you like," Olivia continued after a momentary smile at Amanda being Amanda, "you work on speed. Some people like fast. Some people like slow. Some like somewhere in the middle. And then you kind of put them together. That should be your personal algorithm for experiencing pleasure." The brunette was proud of herself for the speech she was giving. She thanked her lucky stars that she had a fairly impressive memory and hoped the thoughts she was expressing were translating well.

Amanda processed for a moment, taking mental notes as Olivia observed her girlfriend. The brunette could see her absorbing copious amounts of information, but somehow, she seemed genuinely nonchalant about it. The younger woman's blush had faded and the shortness of breath in her voice had vanished. She was speaking calmly and seemed to be thinking rationally. She clearly felt safe. "So," Amanda concluded aloud, "Lube. Circles. Pressure. Speed." She paused. "Liftoff."

Both women laughed at the joke. "I honestly," Amanda pondered after a moment, "think I can do that." She paused again. "What's next? Give me more."

Olivia had never seen Amanda so enthusiastic about this. For some time, she had almost seemed dutiful, like the poster and the exercises were a job, something she had to do, and not something she got to work on towards a worthwhile goal. Something about this conversation had impacted Amanda, had given her…well, liftoff.

Olivia thought for a moment. "Hmm. How do you feel about talking about the experience of orgasm itself?"

Amanda nodded. She hadn't even thought about this question. She fought back a yawn as she asked, "What does it feel like?"

Olivia noticed her girlfriend getting tired, but she was clearly still invested in their conversation. "It's kind of hard to explain," the brunette admitted, "but what you should expect is to feel good and for it to feel better and better and get more intense until it reaches a culminating point where all that tension is released, and then your body should come down. Though I will tell you, not everyone has mindboggling orgasms, especially at first, because it's a skill your body has to learn."

Amanda was not impressed. "So you're telling me, after all this shit, that my pot of gold is going to be unremarkable."

"I definitely didn't say 'unremarkable'," the older woman argued lightly. "To be honest, there's no way to predict that kind of thing because like I said before, everyone is different. But when we're together, I'm going to walk you through all of it. You don't have to experience it without me there if you don't want to. I also want to say, and I'll probably remind you-afterwards you may be really sensitive. That happens to some people. I might not be able to tell, so if I'm still touching you and it doesn't feel good, just push me away. I won't be offended."

Olivia noticed Amanda being quiet for a minute. "What's on your mind?" she prompted.

Amanda sighed, a new type of anxiety working its way through her body. "It's just now occurring to me that returning the favor is a thing. And how am I going to know what you want?"

"You're going to know what I want the same way I'll know what you want—I'm going to tell you. And you never have to do something you don't feel ready for."

"Communication is important, huh?"

"Oh yeah." Olivia reached out once more to squeeze Amanda's thigh as a reminder that they were in this together. "'Manda, I'm going to do everything I can to take care of you, emotionally and physically, but you have to ask for what you need. I know that's easier said than done, but it's so important, and it's something we can practice in everyday life."

Amanda took a deep breath. She knew there was a lot of intensity coming her way.

One step at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Just a heads up, I plan to next update on Thursday or Friday night. Thank you for your patience with this update. I know it took longer than usual.  
> I also want to give a little credit (well a lot of credit) to Vanessa Marin, who is a sex therapist with some pretty cool online courses. I learned about her a while ago, and I think the things she teaches are so important! I stole the Goldilocks method from her (and yes, it works!)  
> Google 'Vanessa Marin therapy'.  
> See you guys next time!  
> -Gabby


	7. Safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you guys for reading and reviewing! If you haven't reviewed yet, please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story, as well as any suggestions you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud. 
> 
> For the most part, every chapter from now on will feature explicit sexual content. Please feel free to let me know if there is something specific you would like to see!  
> I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subjects of sexual assault and explicit sex. ANGST TO COME!

Something Good  
Part 7: Safe

Both women knew they were getting more heated than they ever had before. Their bodies were practically intertwined, and a thin layer of sweat was forming on their skin. It weighed heavy on Olivia's mind especially that they should probably stop at some point, but the brunette definitely didn't want to, and it seemed like Amanda felt similarly, especially as she pressed her body even closer to the older woman's.

The blonde rolled both of them over onto their sides to give herself more leverage to pull Olivia closer to her. Olivia hummed softly, appreciating the access this new position granted her as well. Amanda felt her girlfriend's hand play softly with the bottom of her tank top, and then she felt nimble fingers on her bare back.

The brunette pulled away from their kiss momentarily. "Is this okay?" she asked softly, Amanda nodding quickly in response with a small smile before connecting her lips to Olivia's once more. There was nothing quite like the sensation of the sergeant's gentle but insistent fingers on her bare skin. They traced trails of scorching fire and trails of the coldest ice all at the same time. The blonde didn't even know how to process all this sensation. It was like nothing she had ever experienced before, and the fact that she knew Olivia was holding back drove her crazy. What was the brunette actually capable of, and how long would it be before Amanda found out?

Desperate lips and wandering hands overwhelmed her in the best way possible, and as the younger woman felt Olivia's tongue swirl against hers, she couldn't hold back a gratified moan for even one more second. It was all too much.

It wasn't the sound itself, but Amanda's blushed reaction to the sound, that made Olivia pull away, breathless but still concerned. "Are you alright, 'Manda?"

The blonde nodded, cheeks still beet red and eyes wide in embarrassment. "I uh…I didn't mean to make that sound."

Olivia chuckled lightly, pressing a chaste kiss to the tip of Amanda's nose. "It's okay," she reassured gently, restarting the stilled movement of her hand against her girlfriend's back, this time in order to comfort her. "I want to know that you're enjoying this," she promised. At Amanda's skeptical look, she smiled once more. "Seriously, it's okay."

Amanda nodded, trying to believe her. It's not like Olivia would ever lie to her, and she had been having a good time. The younger woman figured her disconcerted response to the sound that escaped her throat was due to the fact that Amanda had never actually moaned before, not in a wow, this feels so good, I can't even hold it in kind of way at least. Every sound she had ever made during sex had been for show, and it definitely never sounded like the noise she had just made. Amanda's years of faking to get it over with hadn't prepared her for this. She never understood how people were just naturally loud, but with each moment she spent in this vulnerable state with Olivia, she was beginning to get it more and more. And it kind of shocked her and terrified her that she felt so safe with Liv that her body had just let go like that. "Okay," she accepted Olivia's assurance, still not sure how she felt about the whole situation.

"You okay to keep going?" the older woman checked, linking her fingers with Amanda's.

The blonde smiled, before pulling Olivia against her again. Clearly, the brunette didn't have an issue with her expression of pleasure, and so neither should Amanda. It would take time to be completely convinced that she shouldn't be embarrassed, but in the present moment, all the blonde wanted was to be as close to Olivia as possible. The unfamiliar tingle that started in her heart and spread to her core was, in a word, different. But everything Amanda was feeling was different, and her girlfriend kept telling her that different was okay, as long as she still felt safe.

In the dictionary, under the word "safe", Amanda had no doubt there was a photo of Olivia Benson. Knowing she was able to explore to her heart's content, with the assurance that at any point she could ask for her physical space back and be granted it instantly and without judgement, afforded Amanda the level of freedom to be and to feel that she had never even come close to having.

As the blonde felt Olivia's lips press repeatedly against hers, she adjusted herself so that the rest of her body, down to her feet, was just as close as her lips were, and as she did, she felt the brunette's knee come carefully to rest between her legs. It was clear that Olivia knew exactly where each of her body parts were in relation to each of Amanda's, and every movement on her part was intentional and exact. 

The younger woman's movements were more erratic and frenzied, which Olivia didn't mind. The brunette could tell that her girlfriend was seizing the day at full force, and she allowed herself to appreciate the feeling of Amanda moving against her for a heavenly moment.

The detective was not as acutely aware of the positioning of her body, however. She didn't even question her urge to move Olivia's hand from her back to her ass, she just did it, pleased when the brunette only raised an eyebrow for a quick second. Amanda's mind was occupied with thoughts of freedom and safety, of kisses that spoke volumes, of hands blazing a trail of want, of delicious friction, and then   
all of a sudden—

"Amanda."

Both women froze in response to Olivia's voice. It was calm, but still cautionary. The blonde was confused for a moment until she took stock of their bodies. Neither pulled away, but both sets of eyes gazed down at Olivia's knee, which was pushed snuggly against the apex of Amanda's thighs.

The blonde gasped. "I was grinding," she observed in shock, as the brunette straightened her leg in order to pull it slightly away from its offending position.

Olivia's eyes came back up to meet hers. "Did you know?" she asked. The brunette was trying to find out if Amanda had consciously chosen to do so, or if it was just a by-product of her dazed desire.

Amanda shook her head, bewildered. "I honestly didn't even notice." She paused. "I'm sorry, I should have known. I should have asked first." Guilt settled over the blonde's features. She should have been more aware of her surroundings. It was irresponsible of her to lose herself in Olivia's embrace.

"I'm not upset," Olivia promised. "I just didn't want to keep going if you weren't conscious of what you were doing." She watched anxiously as Amanda's face remained pale. "I mean it. I want you to explore; that's the point of this. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Are you sure?" the blonde clarified, wanting to make sure the issue was resolved before they did anything else. The hand that was not wrapped securely around Amanda's waist came to rest at the top of her hair, tender fingers massaging her scalp. The older woman searched for eye contact, smiling softly when it was established.

"Absolutely. I know this can be overwhelming, but I'm really proud of you for letting go."

The blonde nodded once more, knowing that at the very least, she was allowed to have these feelings. She was in the safest space to do so, wrapped up in Olivia's arms. Amanda knew Olivia wanted nothing but the best for her. So she did feel like she owed her an explanation. "Yeah, I um…wasn't thinking, and…" She blanked again, sighing. "It's just new?" She didn't mean for it to come out as a question, and the look on Olivia's face told her the sergeant was worried they had gone too far. Instinctively, Amanda grasped the front of the brunette's T-Shirt, preventing her from moving away.

"Do you want to stop?"

It was the question Amanda dreaded hearing. No. She absolutely did not want to stop, but she didn't know how to explain to Olivia that she was also scared to continue. How did she simultaneously feel both things?

Olivia noticed Amanda white knuckling her shirt with both hands and relinquished her hold on her girlfriend in order to gently coax them free. "Hey, I need you to breathe," she instructed, wrapping her own hands around Amanda's. "Let's just take a break for a minute, okay?" She could tell the blonde was feeling conflicted (which, as far as Liv was concerned, was a red light) and needed her to know that she was still listening to her words. "I'm not going anywhere unless you tell me to; you can let go, baby."

With a shaky breath, Amanda relinquished her hold on Olivia's shirt. "Sorry," she muttered. "I just didn't want you to think I wanted you to pull away."

Olivia nodded, squeezing both of her girlfriend's hands to make her point. "I get it. It's okay. What happened?"

"You'll be the first to know when I figure it out, Liv." The blonde knew what was going on, but she was still at a loss as to how to put into words what was going on in her mind.

The brunette took a deep breath. "Can I take a guess?" she asked after a bit of hesitation. She definitely wanted Amanda to express her own thoughts to her, but she also didn't want her to think she expected miracles. The younger woman was in a difficult position, and Liv wanted to do all she could to help her process what she was feeling, and with a nod from Amanda, she knew she wanted that help. 

"If I'm wrong, just tell me. You don't have to agree with me." She waited for one more nod before continuing.

"I think," she thought carefully, "that you're really enjoying this." It didn't take a wizard to come to that conclusion, but it meant a lot to Amanda that she could tell.

"And I think that makes you feel scared." Did Olivia have access to her thoughts?

"And you want so bad to keep going because it feels right and you know you're safe, but you're still fighting this battle with yourself." Olivia could tell by the look on Amanda's face that she was on the right   
track, so she continued. "So when I asked if you wanted to stop, you didn't want to tell me yes, but you absolutely weren't ready to tell me no either."

Amanda nodded. "Also," she decided to add, "the moment I hesitated, I knew we had to stop. And I didn't want to."

"I can't imagine how frustrating that must be, sweetheart. But stopping was the right thing to do. At a certain point, if it's not a green light—"

"I know," Amanda admitted, allowing Olivia to delicately trace patterns on the back of her hand. "There's room for some uncertainty with milder things, but as far as we went just now, not green is an automatic red."

"We'll do this again," Olivia promised. "And we'll be able to go farther and farther. Eventually, we won't have so many red lights. But we have to respect them when they show up."

"My sense of safety is the most important thing," Amanda agreed, sighing.

Olivia once again went to press a soft kiss to Amanda's nose, landing on her open mouth when the blonde yawned without warning. "Sorry," she laughed. "I think I need a nap."

The brunette nodded. "Do you want me to stay in here with you?" she asked, rubbing her arm soothingly.

Amanda shook her head. "No, I'm good." She smiled softly.

Once Olivia had left their bedroom, deciding to figure out dinner, Amanda sighed, flopping over onto her back. She had never intended to take a nap. She was still feeling incredibly riled up from what her and Olivia were doing earlier, and she figured now was as good a time as any to do some exploring on her own. She heard Olivia rummaging through their cabinets outside of their closed bedroom door as she reached into her bedside table to acquire the lubricant that the brunette had purchased.

Olivia didn't even know what they had in the house. The past several weeks since Francesca's case had been a blur; SVU hadn't managed to keep a case for longer than a few days because every perp they caught had made a deal with Barba. Generally, the ADA was one to fight in court, but the cases the squad had been catching lately were lose-lose, and the experienced attorney figured five years was better than acquittal. Because of this, Liv, Amanda, Carisi, and Fin were spending lots of time in the squad room doing initial investigations, leading to long nights and lots of take-out. Thus, the lack of food in the fridge.

Eventually the brunette found a jar of tomato sauce and some spaghetti. She also knew they had some vegetables to make a salad and some wine. She knew how tired Amanda had seemed towards the end of their conversation, and she hoped that a good nap and a nice(ish) dinner would help her relax.

Olivia found herself taking a steadying breath as she grabbed two pots from their pantry closet. She and Amanda had been dating for almost nine months at this point, and though it had been wonderful, it had also been intense. The experienced Special Victims cop thought she had an idea of what to expect when she began to date a survivor, but honestly, the revelation the blonde was forced to make three months ago was not something Olivia could have seen coming, and it changed so much for her. Among other things, the lifelong lesbian didn't understand why her gaydar had been so wrong when it came to Amanda. It had been clear from almost the start that the detective's interest in her was more than professional, but she still failed to see the extent of her emotional lack of fulfillment until after she had first disclosed to her about Patton.

The brunette recalled their friendship intensifying after that, the two beginning a monthly girls' night and the routine sharing of looks in the squad room. She remembered Amanda's shock when she began checking in on her regularly after a particularly brutal case. She really had never felt deserving of genuine care. Olivia plopped the jar of sauce into the heating pan in front of her as she felt her lip begin to quiver. The blonde had been alive for almost four decades and had never known what it was like to feel truly safe in the presence of another human being. And though she still felt the pressure of being in the position she was, these days it felt like more of an honor. That of course didn't mean that there wasn't any stress involved. She had to be on full alert whenever she was kissing Amanda because she never knew what (or when) would trigger her. She hoped for a day where she could completely let go the way she was encouraging her girlfriend to do, but didn't yet allow herself to wish too hard for it.

Olivia took another deep breath, reminding herself that a watched pot never boils, and then went to sit down. She found a text from Fin asking how their weekend was going. The brunette chuckled lightly, knowing her senior detective would never quite feel like he had made up for the comment he made on the night that set their current reality into motion, and then sent Fin a series of emojis depicting sleeping, eating, and relaxing.

Suddenly, there was a sound that caused Olivia to drop her phone. She immediately recognized the voice as Amanda's, and she definitely sounded distressed.

"Olivia!"

The brunette stood up quickly without picking up her phone, and she moved with purpose to the stove, turning off both burners so that boiling water wouldn't flood their kitchen in her absence. Olivia then sprinted towards their bedroom, and she knew instantly what had happened there.

Amanda, naked from the waist down, was curled up in a ball on the bed. Her cheeks were bright red and Olivia could see a steady stream of tears. At the sound of her girlfriend's footsteps, the blonde squeezed her knees even more tightly to her chest, and a heartbreaking whimper escaped her.

Noting the bottle of lube on the bed next to her, Olivia took one hesitant step forward. "Amanda," she said softly. "Baby."

The younger woman whimpered once more, and a fresh wave of tears made their way down her cheeks. Olivia kept her eyes on her girlfriend's face. "Sweetheart, it's me, it's Olivia."

The brunette risked a few more steps and watched as Amanda subtly cringed with each approaching tap of her feet. Though she didn't want to make the blonde more uncomfortable, she knew there was nothing she could do for her from the other side of the room. So she let herself move to sit on the bed, still out of arms reach.

Amanda's eyes slammed shut. "Don't touch me. Please."

Olivia willed herself to keep her voice steady. "Amanda," she vowed, holding back tears, "I promise you I will not touch you until you tell me I can. You are safe with me. Always." She noticed her slightly shaking, eyes still closed, and hair plastered to wet cheeks. "Can I cover you with a blanket? I won't touch you," she reminded.

Amanda nodded her consent, and Olivia immediately reached for the blanket she always used when she lied on the couch, hoping that her scent would help calm the blonde. She knew that smell was the strongest association sense, and thought it was worth trying.

"Sweetheart," Olivia tried again once Amanda had stopped shaking, "Do you think you can open your eyes for me, love?"

The brunette watched as the younger woman squinted at her momentarily before blinking her eyes open. "Well, hey there, beautiful," she greeted the pair of blue eyes delicately, noticing that Amanda's breathing was beginning to stabilize.

Amanda wrapped the blanket around her tighter. She was beginning to feel conscious of being cold. "Hi," she murmured in a sheepish whisper.

Olivia scooted incrementally closer to Amanda, being sure to respect her desire to not be touched. "You called for me, love. Do you remember that?"

Amanda nodded. "Do you think you can tell me what happened?" the brunette asked gently, moving to lie down so that she would be at eye level. She kept her hands in Amanda's line of sight at all times.

"I'm not sure," the blonde croaked, embarrassed. "I didn't mean to scare you—please don't be mad at me."

She wasn't sure if it was intentional, but Olivia definitely noticed Amanda flinch away from her defensively. The tone of begging in the blonde's voice made it abundantly clear that whatever had happened had not resolved itself yet. The urge to reach out to the younger woman was almost unbearable at this point. All Olivia wanted to do was to scoop her up and hold her tight, making sure nothing ever hurt her again. But now was not the time for that.

"Amanda, I need you to look me in the eyes." Again her voice was gentle, retaining just enough authority so she could be assured that Amanda would do as she asked. "Please, just look at me," she pled.

Olivia had seen hundreds of survivors have panic attacks in the field, and she had comforted each and every one of them with practiced grace. But as with everything else in their relationship, this was a new frontier. The only thing that made this situation endurable for Olivia was the knowledge that Amanda was not afraid of her. She was afraid of an invisible attacker, someone that wasn't in the room with them. Her way out was going to be by way of understanding that her and Olivia were alone together. "'Manda, it's just you and me here. Okay? Look around, baby. It's just me. No one is going to hurt you, sweetheart. You're safe. I'm not mad at you, my love, not at all. I only asked what happened because I want to know what I can I do to help you."

Amanda's eyes fearfully danced around the room, landing on the bottle of lube she had flung onto the bed next to her. "I wasn't taking a nap," was her first admission.

A sympathetic smile grew on Olivia's lips. "I know, honey. I know. It's okay."

Amanda sniffed. "I thought it was goin' really well." Her voice was still raspy from crying, but her breath had returned to normal. The blonde made a point to keep her eyes trained on Olivia's. It was just Olivia. She had called her, and she had come, and she would keep her safe, and that's what mattered. "I was figurin' stuff out, y'know? I was even still kinda turned on from before," she acknowledged softly, her cheeks flushing angrily.

The brunette ignored the ache that told her to wipe the blush away, keeping her attention focused on Amanda. When the blonde looked up at the older woman's facial expression, she expected to find some sort of judgement, but all she saw was unwavering love, and that inspired her to continue. "It was really okay," she stressed, "and I was proud of myself. And then all of a sudden, I couldn't breathe." 

Amanda took the step that Olivia was hoping for and allowed her hand to leave the safety of the blanket to clasp the sergeant's hand tightly in hers. "Liv, I was so scared. I didn't know what was happening."

Olivia nodded in understanding, encouraging Amanda to continue. "The only thing going through my mind was 'Get Olivia', but I couldn't talk. It took all the strength I had to call you. And then you came, and I wished I hadn't called you. I didn't want you to see me like this."

"Amanda, all I see is the strongest, most amazing person I have ever known. I know how hard asking for help can be, but I'm so proud that you called me. Please, call me when you need support. You don't have to feel self-conscious around me. I just want to help you know that you're safe."

The detective nodded, still shivering slightly. "Did I ju—just have a panic attack?" she asked, still not completely sure what had happened.

Olivia shrugged, taking a chance and reaching an arm around Amanda to rub her back through the blanket. When the blonde curled farther into the embrace, Olivia assumed she had made the right decision. "I think your body has been through a lot today, and it just needed to stop."

"I think my body is stupid." Amanda didn't mean to huff like a toddler, but the past several minutes hadn't exactly been enjoyable for her.

The older woman shook her head. "I think your body knows what it needs and how to get it. It said 'stop' and needed you to listen."

Amanda nodded, a chill travelling down her spine. "I'm so wet…everywhere. And I feel so dirty. I'm gonna need a shower to get this sweat off, Liv, but I don't know if I can stand up."

Olivia sat up, examining the current situation. "Well, then, it's gonna have to be a bath, and I'm probably going to need to carry you. How do you feel about that?"

Amanda sat up, bringing the blanket with her. God, she was tired. And she didn't really have the words to adequately answer Olivia's question. "Yellow," she shrugged.

The brunette sighed. "Okay…. Is it a yellow you'd be willing to try?"

Both women knew Amanda needed to be washed, but the blonde knew with absolute certainty that if she said no, Olivia would just curl up around her and allow her to sleep in the mess of a state she was in. But Amanda didn't want that. "Yeah, okay," was her eventual answer.

Olivia stood up and walked around to Amanda's side of the bed. "Okay, here's what I think we'll do, and you just tell me if you're okay with it. What if I pick you up, still wrapped in the blanket, and then when we get to the bathroom, I'll sit you against the bathtub. And then we'll go from there. But I won't put my hands anywhere you don't want me to." It wasn't a foolproof plan, but it was the start of something, and she wanted Amanda to have some idea of what to expect.

Amanda nodded and wordlessly reached up to wrap both arms around Olivia's neck. The sergeant put one arm around Amanda's waist, holding the blanket in place, and then used the hold as leverage to reach under her thighs with the other, hoisting her up and into the air. The detective was somewhat surprised at the security she felt. Olivia was seriously strong, or at least she was hiding the strain well. 

"Is this okay?" the brunette asked once she had turned towards the bathroom.

The blonde nodded again, letting her head rest against Olivia's shoulder. "Yeah, are you okay?" she asked, noting the small grunt that the sergeant made as she readjusted Amanda in her arms.

"Yeah, I'm good," she promised, entering the bathroom. "Okay, let's sit on the edge of the tub." Olivia guided her onto two feet, not letting go until Amanda said she felt steady. "What would make you most comfortable?" she asked after a moment. "Do you want me to turn away while you get undressed?" she offered.

Amanda shook her head. "You've already seen all of me," she reasoned. "I still feel kinda shaky. Can you help me?"

Olivia nodded, grasping the blanket that was wrapped around Amanda, before checking once more to ensure it was okay to remove it. "It's okay. I trust you."

With one hand, the police sergeant lifted Amanda up by her waist, and with the other, she unraveled the blanket before tossing it to the side and helping the blonde sit back down on the side of the bathtub, now only in a tank top. Her breath hitched, and Olivia's eyes widened. "Are you okay?"

Amanda nodded, grimacing slightly. "Yeah, I'm just…I'm still pretty sensitive, and the tile is cold."

Olivia's head bobbed in recognition, helping the blonde to stand up and lean against the wall instead. "That should subside fairly soon," she promised, turning on the tap and adjusting the temperature until it felt right. She ran her hand under the water for a moment before reaching quickly to grasp Amanda's hand. "Does that temperature feel okay?" she asked.

"Mhm," Amanda replied softly, before reaching weakly to remove her tank top, an involuntary wince escaping her at the movement. She sighed in frustration. "Liv, I'm sorry, but my entire body aches. I don't know if I can get this without hurtin' myself."

Olivia took a step towards Amanda, and then guided both straps of the tank top down her arms, letting it fall off her in the path of least resistance. The blonde felt Olivia's eyes on her, and though logic told her otherwise, she was expecting a predatory gaze. Still, all she saw in those chocolate orbs was compassion. "Let's get you in the water," the older woman declared. "Should help your muscles relax." 

After Olivia assisted her by the hand to stand in the bathtub, she asked, "Do you need help to sit?" Not only was the brunette concerned about her sore muscles, but she also wasn't sure what exactly   
Amanda had done in her exploration, and she didn't want her to carelessly plop herself down onto the hard tile, even if it was buffered with warm water, for fear of her experiencing more discomfort.

"No, I got it," Amanda asserted. "Ow, shit." Some water splashed out of the tub as Amanda roughly sat down, her eyes shutting tightly. She couldn't see anything, but she felt Olivia's hand come to rest   
against the top of her back. Her breath caught in her throat. "That hurt…everything."

"Just breathe, 'Manda. There you go."

"You tried to warn me."

"Shh, it's okay. Can I ask you something?" Amanda nodded, her eyes opening, and she noticed that Olivia had sat down on the floor outside the bath. "Can I wash your hair?"

The blonde knew her hair needed to be washed, but she also knew that Liv was aware that her hair was the most direct path to comfort, and comfort was exactly what she needed. She smiled softly. "Thank you."

"Mhm," Olivia cooed softly, reaching for a cup that resided on the sink. "Can you lean your head back for me?"

Amanda silently did as she was asked, noting that the pain that had taken up residence in her body was beginning to dull. Soon, all that existed for her was the warm water, Liv's gentle fingers manipulating her hair, and an occasional soft reminder to breathe and relax.

After a few minutes, Amanda decided to break the silence. "That feels good." She swallowed thickly as a warm cascade of water flowed over her hair.

Amanda knew Olivia was smiling before she felt soft lips brush her temple. "I'm glad." After some more time, Amanda heard her girlfriend place the cup down on the ground next to her. She could tell she was thinking.

"Liv, whatever you want to do," Amanda started, lifting her head up and turning it to face the older woman, "you can do it. I trust you."

Olivia sighed. She was still going to ask if it was okay. "I'm just looking at your back, and I can almost see how tight the muscles in your shoulder blades are," she said by way of explanation.

"They've been that tight for years, Liv, but you're welcome to try." Amanda turned her head back away from Olivia's gaze, waiting for a touch that never came. After a moment, the blonde turned to face Olivia again.

She saw a small smirk play on her lips. "What?" she questioned.

"That didn't sound very enthusiastic."

The blonde shifted her body even more. "Are you kiddin' me?" she chuckled in disbelief. "Semantics? You're getting caught up in semantics right now? While I'm naked in the bathtub and literally told you that you're welcome to try? Jesus, Liv, I really don't deserve you." Amanda rested her wet head against Olivia's chest, knowing she wouldn't care about the water, and hoping it would suffice as an offering.

"Just because it's new doesn't mean you don't deserve it," Olivia mused with a soft kiss to blonde hair.

Amanda felt Olivia's hands wrap their way around her body before coming to rest on her upper back. It was her thumbs that began to work the skin covering her shoulder blades, and Olivia immediately found that her assumption was correct. The knots she found there were more than palpable. "Tell me if it's too much pressure," she directed softly with another kiss to damp hair.

"No, it's good," she mumbled into Olivia's now soaking wet shirt. "I can't reach that spot, and honestly, it kills."

"Mm. I bet. You know," she began, "if you need help with this kind of thing, I'm happy to help," she offered.

"I think I'm gonna need help with other things too, Liv," she thought aloud after a moment, shifting in response to a squeeze of Olivia's hand.

Olivia pressed her thumbs carefully but firmly into Amanda's skin, earning a breathy sigh. "Care to elaborate?"

Amanda lifted her head from Olivia's chest, smiling awkwardly as Olivia's hands came to rest against her cheeks. "I can't…explore…by myself, I don't think. I just freeze up."

Olivia nodded, brushing her thumbs along reddened cheeks. "Okay," she pondered. "Are you wanting me to touch you or just to sit with you in case you get anxious?"

The blonde sighed, biting her lip. "I think I need you to touch me. I just get overwhelmed because there's so much to think about, y'know?"

"Mhm."

"And I learned some stuff today, so I can give you directions."

Olivia nodded again, leaning her forehead in to lightly touch Amanda's. "Good. I think we can make that happen."

Amanda wanted to further explain. "I don't know why I get so nervous by myself. I don't know if I don't trust myself yet or what. But Liv?"

One more soft, "Mhm?"

"I do know that I trust you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Honestly, this is my favorite chapter so far. I hope that you like it too! I should be able to update within a week. See you all next time!  
> Thanks for reading!  
> -Gabby


	8. The King Midas Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: We're getting into it now! If you haven't reviewed yet, please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story, as well as any suggestions you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud. 
> 
> Every chapter from now on will feature explicit sexual content. Please feel free to let me know if there is something specific you would like to see!  
> I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subjects of sexual assault and explicit sex. ANGST TO COME!

Something Good  
Part 8: The King Midas Touch

"Yes, thank you, Detective. Okay, goodnight." Olivia hung up the phone and sighed, turning her attention to the computer in front of her.

"Was that VICE?" Amanda asked her, looking up from her own computer.

Olivia nodded her head. "Yeah, they said they'd let us know if they see Crystal or any of the other girls." She stood up from her chair and grabbed her coat. "For now, there isn't much else we can do, and Fin is going to stay here tonight in case one of them comes in. Are you ready to go?"

Amanda logged out of her computer and stood up, checking the time on her phone. "So much for having some time to ourselves on Valentine's Day."

Christmas had come and gone, and their one year anniversary was only a month away. The time seemed to zoom by, and it was still hard for Amanda to consider it anything other than lost time. It's not that she didn't appreciate any amount of time she was able to spend with Liv, but it still felt weird to her that they weren't yet having sex. She had never been in a relationship for more than a few weeks without sex, and as with so many other things these days, the difference was still sort of disconcerting.

Olivia glanced at her phone. "It's only nine," she observed. "We could still get a late dinner."

Amanda shook her head. "I don't mean to be a hermit, but I don't really feel like bein' out for any longer than I have to be."

The brunette's head bobbed with a small chuckle. "Okay, well, we could pick up some food or order in," she offered as the two began to exit the squad room. "We have candles and wine at home. We can make it romantic and cozy." She shrugged.

As they walked into the cool February air, Amanda wrapped an arm around Olivia, the brunette returning the gesture. "I like romantic and cozy."

The police sergeant rummaged through her purse for her keys. "What do you feel like eating?"

"You pick."

"Thai?"

"Yeah, sure."

As the two loaded their bags and then themselves into the car, Amanda sighed. "Hey."

Olivia's reply was a slightly confused laugh. "Hey."

"Happy Valentine's Day."

Liv nodded with a smile, reaching to give Amanda's hand a squeeze. "Happy Valentine's Day."

An hour later found them sitting on the floor of their living room eating Pad Thai and curry picnic style, surrounded by gentle classical music and candles adorning the table next to them. Easy laughter filled the room, and both women fully relaxed into the romantic atmosphere.

"Okay, I have a question," Amanda eventually piped up.

Olivia's head bobbed as she took a sip of wine. "Alright, shoot."

"When we met, what were your first impressions? Be honest."  
The brunette sighed guiltily. "Well, when we first met, I didn't really even let myself look at you…."

Amanda nodded. "I know, Liv, I'm over that. I know you were goin' through a lot. I'm just wonderin', since you know, we never really talked about those early days, and you know that I've always been obsessed."

"Yeah, I…." Olivia took a deep breath. "'Manda, once I got over my shit, I thought you were amazing. I mean, you were the most dedicated woman I'd ever met, with a huge heart and a mind to boot. Not to mention," the sergeant continued, looking up and into Amanda's pools of blue, "you have the most captivating eyes I've ever seen. They tell a story, almost. Your desire to see, to really see people, it drew me in immediately. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that it took me so long to say something. I just figured you weren't interested."

The blonde understood. "I didn't think I was good enough for you anyway. I wasn't gonna say anything."

Olivia intertwined her fingers with Amanda's, resting both of their hands in her lap. "But now we know."

"Now we know," Amanda agreed with a small smile. "Thank you, for everything.

The older woman shook her head. This was a conversation they had had before. "You don't have to thank me, love."

Usually, the detective responded with some version of "yes, I do", but this time, she changed her tune to, "I know. I want to. Liv, your presence in my life has been such a blessin' from the very beginning, and you deserve to know how much I appreciate you."

Olivia smiled, satisfied with the direction the conversation had headed. Amanda had made so much progress within the context of their relationship over the months that preceded Valentine's Day. It seemed as if she was beginning to heal from the toxicity of her previous relationships, and she had started to settle into the normal give-and-take of a healthy one. "I appreciate you too."

The two women expressed their respective love for the other several times daily, but there was something about sharing their appreciation for one another that was even more powerful.

They let a beat pass, a moment of truly basking in the moment, and then Olivia spoke. "How about you go take a shower and I'll clean up here?"

Amanda squinted suspiciously at her girlfriend. "Why can't we clean up together?"

The brunette shrugged. "I mean, of course we can clean up together, but I know you had a long day, taking all of those statements, and I just wanted to offer."

"You took statements too," the blonde pointed out.

"Not as many as you," the sergeant countered. "I'm obviously not going to make you take a shower, 'Manda," she continued with a light laugh, "but it's Valentine's Day, and the little things count."

Amanda thought for a moment before conceding. "Touché, Sergeant Benson. I will take that shower then. As long as you're sure." The younger woman didn't want to appear ungrateful, but she did worry that Olivia often tried to overcompensate for Amanda's past by extending herself further than she was comfortable with. She had to remind herself that her girlfriend was a grown-up lady, and as such was fully capable of knowing her own boundaries.

"Yeah. I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't sure."

Soon after, the blonde had showered and brushed her hair, and walked back into the bedroom to get dressed. She had managed to pull on her underwear before she caught the sight of herself in the mirror by their desk. The detective sighed, walking towards the image. She hadn't looked at herself in a while, and the sight caught her off guard. Amanda never considered herself to be beautiful, and according to all the men she'd been with, she was cute or hot. Olivia often referred to her as beautiful, and the term made her feel like a woman, and not a girl, or an object or plaything.

Amanda heard a knock at the bedroom door. "Can I come in?"

She laughed, allowing the fingers of one hand to play with the blonde hair that cascaded over her shoulders. A by-product of her journey in the recent months was that she had become more attuned to her body as a whole. She could close her eyes and focus on a particular sensation in her big toe, for example, if she wanted. It was a gift to simply allow herself to be present. "Of course. It's your bedroom too."

Olivia opened the door, entering swiftly. "Just wanted to be sure since the door was—oh, 'Manda, I'm sorry."

Amanda turned in confusion to see her girlfriend facing the wall of their bedroom. "What are you apologizing for?" It was then that the blonde fully realized that clad only in lace panties, she was practically naked. "Oh, Liv, it's okay." The brunette didn't budge. "Seriously, babe, I invited you in. Come here."

Olivia wasn't necessarily trying to avoid looking at Amanda at this point, but she was somewhat shocked at the sight of an almost naked Amanda just standing there calmly after casually inviting her in. The brunette desired to see her girlfriend's body, wanted to drink her in like a fine wine that had been forbidden to her until now.

But she hesitated.

It wasn't that she didn't trust Amanda's words beckoning her over, but the sergeant's entire line of work had taught her to second guess everything, to double check every time. She turned slightly back towards Amanda, squinting open her eyes only slightly. "Are you sure?"

The blonde let out a full laugh. "Yes," she exaggerated, walking towards Olivia, grabbing her hands and pulling her back towards the mirror, before reclaiming the position she was in earlier. She invited 

Olivia to wrap her arms around her. "Liv, we've been this naked together before. I'm totally comfortable."

The older woman nodded, pressing her lips to the crown of Amanda's head. "I know. Before isn't now though, and I had to be sure."

Amanda's fingers danced along Olivia's forearm, and she made eye contact through the mirror. "I should have warned you. I'm sorry. Walkin' in and seein' me half naked was probably jarring for you."

"It's not that I don't want to look at you, love."

"I know," Amanda assured.

But Olivia felt compelled to continue. "I just don't ever want to assume that something is okay."

The blonde nodded, and then sighed deeply, leaning her body back farther into Olivia's. "You know, Liv, I thank my lucky stars everyday that I'm with someone who cares as much as you do. I'm so grateful.   
But there's gonna come a point in our relationship where you can't ask about every little thing, every single touch. We're gonna have to learn to communicate in other, more natural ways. Because if we don't—baby, you're gonna drive yourself crazy. I promise, I promise you that I will tell you if you do somethin' that makes me feel uncomfortable, okay? You gotta trust me to do my part because it can't be all on you."

"You're right, 'Manda," the sergeant murmured into her girlfriend's hair, empathizing with the poorly concealed frustration with which she spoke. "It's something I'm going to have to work on."

"It's okay if it takes time, but you deserve to enjoy this process too. I just want you to know that I'm not a time bomb, Liv. I know we'll have setbacks, but I won't let you do somethin' that I don't want you to, okay?"

Olivia nodded, pulling one arm from the embrace and using its hand to move some of Amanda's hair away from her neck, and then she pressed her lips to the skin she had freed up, letting them linger for a moment as she saw the blonde's eyelids softly close and felt the vibration of a contented sigh. "Okay."

This was a huge step for Olivia. Amanda may have feared sexual contact, but the hesitance she felt was nothing compared to the brunette's dread at the idea of them moving at a pace that felt unsafe to her girlfriend. Every time the mere thought entered her mind, it created a ball of uneasiness and nausea low in her stomach, and it became more and more imperative to the older woman that they were impossibly careful. Logically, she knew Amanda was right. It's not like navigating consent had ever been an issue for them. The hardest part of it was the blonde's propensity to overexaggerate her willingness to try something, which Liv could usually spot from a mile away, and with Amanda making strides with communicating her needs, was no longer all that problematic.

But still. Liv wanted to ask about every single maneuver. It was instinctual almost, in her blood. She knew it made Amanda feel awkward and she wanted to stop, but she was also aware that it was always better to be safe than sorry, and until both women had settled into communicating nonverbal affirmative consent, neither expected to nor intended to change all that much.  
Olivia rested her chin against Amanda's shoulder for a moment and registered the weight of the blonde's breasts against her arms. She kissed her shoulder, surrendering into the warmth. "You're beautiful by the way."

The blonde hummed with a small smile. "Look who's talkin'."

"No, I really mean it," the older woman emphasized, meaningfully meeting Amanda's eyes through their shared mirror. "I don't want to stare and make you uncomfortable" she explained, "but while we're in   
this moment, I just have to tell you, baby—you are breathtaking."

"You can look," the blonde assured, reaching behind her and tangling her fingers in Olivia's chestnut locks in order to keep her close. "You can do more than look."

"Hmm," the brunette mused against Amanda's skin. "I'll certainly keep that in mind."

"So," Amanda asked, feeling Olivia's lips gently against her neck once again, "how else should we celebrate tonight?"

There was no mistaking the suggestiveness in her tone. The brazen inquiry was out of character for Amanda, and it made the brunette lift her head and widen her eyes. There was always a question of "is this out of confidence or out of a sense of obligation?" But the sergeant wasn't dumb. In her arms, Amanda's body was completely relaxed, and she had turned her head slightly away in order to grant her girlfriend's lips more access to the skin of her neck. The younger woman always held anxiety in her body, and in that moment, there was none to be found.

Amanda's eyes widened in speculation. "Why are you lookin' at me like that?"

Olivia had put some work into no longer disguising her reactions to things her girlfriend said or did. She let herself sigh in response to a pleasurable touch or raise an eyebrow at an unusual statement. She had long spent time trying to protect Amanda from discomfort, but at this point she wanted to be natural because she knew walking on eggshells wasn't going to get them far. She was glad, however, that her girlfriend brought up the look on her face because the brunette didn't want Amanda to think the question was unwelcome. In fact, it was entirely welcome. The warmth Olivia felt low in her abdomen was evidence of that. "What you said was just bolder than I'm used to," the older woman reasoned.

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No, not at all," Olivia promised, before noticing something distinct in Amanda's eyes. "How much wine did you drink?" she asked gently after a moment. "Your pupils are dilated."

Amanda chuckled and then spun around in Olivia's arms, placing both hands on either side of her girlfriend's face. "One glass, almost an hour ago, Liv. Same as you," she swore. She then added in a near whimper, "I'm not drunk, Olivia, I'm horny."

Her words were clear, and there was no mistaking the meaning behind them. It was also obvious that Amanda had no intentions of taking them back, as her eyes bore into Olivia's. For the first few weeks the two women were practicing touches in their "yellow" column, Amanda spent a lot of time hyping herself up and attempting to bring herself into the space of feeling any form of pleasure. Eventually, she had to start circumventing those old attempts, and was trapped into the not as pleasant task of letting her body come down from an excited high, unfulfilled and somewhat empty.

It had been five months of mere seconds between "this feels good" and "we have to stop right now", and the cumulative effect of the frustration it caused had begun taking its toll on Amanda. The few near successes she had had when exploring on her own only added to the dissatisfaction her body had come accustomed to. Amanda felt her skin electrify lowly every time Olivia walked into a room, and she felt it jolt to life with every caress. The farthest they had gone together was topless kissing, and though Amanda questioned the wisdom of it, her body begged for more. The blonde knew that her girlfriend was only partially aware of what her touch did to her because there was no way Amanda expected that the sergeant would have continued the exhilarating torture if she had known.

She knew now.

Olivia reached up and claimed Amanda's hands in her own, before bringing both pairs down to hang between them. "Sounds like this has been going on for a while," Olivia ventured after a breath.

Amanda nodded. "I just don't know how to reconcile this indescribable desire with my fear of the unknown."

"Is that what scares you?" the brunette asked, tenderly stroking her thumbs over the back of her girlfriend's suddenly clammy hands. "Not knowing what to expect?"

"Yeah," the younger woman whispered, cautiously stepping closer to Olivia. "You've done such an amazing job preparing me and teachin' me, Liv, but I feel like I'm still gonna have to take a leap of faith."

"You feel like you're always going to feel some anxiety no matter how long we wait, like there's going to be a point where you're not going to feel any more ready no matter what we do."

Amanda nodded once again. "It doesn't help that my body is miles ahead of my brain. I just don't feel like I have any control anymore."

Olivia's right hand came to rest against her girlfriend's cheek, her thumb moving slowly over a reddened cheek. "Okay, love, so what—what can we do to give you back some control? What do you want right now?"

Amanda took a shaky breath. "I don't know how you'll feel about this."

"Talk to me, Amanda. It's just me. I want to know what I can do to help." Olivia stared into wide eyes and watched how her thumb had blazed a trail of red heat over her girlfriend's cheek.

"Usually when we fool around, we kind of set a stoppin' point," Amanda started, searching the sergeant's features for understanding. "And I was wondering what would happen…if we didn't. If we just saw how far we could go. I'm not asking to have sex right now, but what if we decided to see how close we could get. Would you be open to that?" The blonde was acutely aware that she was still mostly naked, but somehow it was the words she was speaking that made her feel truly exposed.

The brunette nodded after a moment. "Are you positive that your desire isn't clouding your judgement?

The younger woman knew the question had to be asked. The truth was Amanda was always asking it of herself. She didn't want to push herself into doing something she wasn't ready for any more than Liv did. The past five months had been a colossal act of self-love, and she'd be damned if she was going to let the pesky nag between her legs control her actions. "I feel very sure that this is our next step. We've moved all my yellows to green. It's time to tackle the reds. I wanna feel you everywhere."

Olivia's breath caught in her throat at her girlfriend's words, and Amanda could see her fighting her own reaction. "I don't want you to feel bad about wanting this too, Liv. We can both enjoy ourselves and still know we can stop at any point."

The blonde watched her girlfriend step impossibly closer to her and felt an arm wind around her waist, coming to rest against her hip, which was the only area of her body covered in clothing. "I'm so proud of you," she whispered almost reverently, the air between them becoming hot.

"I know you want to kiss me," Amanda observed, swallowing thickly. "Do it."

And that was all it took for the brunette to tangle the fingers of both her hands deeply into Amanda's golden locks, pulling her bare chest and torso tightly against Olivia's shirt. The friction of the fabric against the detective's nipples was heavenly, and she broke the kiss to loudly express approval. The older woman smiled broadly at the shameless gesture and happily reconnected her lips to Amanda's. She reminded herself that she didn't need to verbally ask about every little thing because her girlfriend was clearly excited about this and seemed ready to share information about any discomfort if the need should arise.

There was none to be found though, so Olivia slowly pressed her tongue against Amanda's lips, happy to be granted entrance. There was no fight for dominance, just a tango of love and passion, both women giving and taking simultaneously. The brunette's hands wandered slowly to the skin of Amanda's back, and as she gently trailed her nails over her girlfriend's shoulder blades, she consciously registered how much more dressed she was than her.

Reluctantly, Olivia pulled away from the kiss, and Amanda immediately attached her lips to Olivia's neck, sucking and biting carefully, which she had learned was something the sergeant immensely enjoyed.   
Liv returned a hand to Amanda's hair, sighing at the sensation of her girlfriend's mouth against her skin, before remembering the reason she had initially pulled away. "Do you," she panted, "I mean is it okay if I take off my shirt and bra?"

Amanda lifted her head so that Olivia could see her. She really wanted to feel Olivia moving topless against her, and she knew the brunette would feel more comfortable with the idea if she could see her nod. "Please."

The blonde assisted her girlfriend in removing the offending clothing keeping her bare olive skin away from Amanda's touch, and they made quick work of the task, both stealing a moment to just take the other in, and then Amanda wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck, initiating a hug. Liv sighed first, bringing both arms around the woman she loved, one hand gripping her back and the other softly massaging her scalp. Amanda buried her face in the brunette's neck, inhaling vanilla shampoo with a low hum. "I love you," she whispered against flesh that had become damp with sweat.

Olivia squeezed the detective to her even more tightly. "I love you too." She pressed a quick kiss to Amanda's shoulder. "Do you want to lie down? I can feel your legs shaking and I don't want you to worry about falling."

Amanda nodded. "I'm not shaking because I'm nervous," she promised, letting Olivia lead her towards the bed.

The older woman pulled her pants off so that both women were wearing only underwear. "I know," she replied, tossing the piece of clothing into the pile where everything else was. "Just let me know if you do get nervous because we can take a break."

Amanda acknowledged the request with a smile before pulling Olivia fully on top of her and lying her head down on the brunette's pillow. Liv was now surrounding her, and it was exactly what she wanted.   
She sucked her upper lip in between her teeth. "Can we just…talk through anythin' we haven't done before?"

Olivia nodded, brushing some stray hair back and behind her girlfriend's ear. "Absolutely. We'll talk about everything new before we do it, okay?"

"Okay." Amanda smiled before chasing Olivia's lips with her own, and soon they were kissing just as passionately as before. The blonde ran her hands over the muscles of the sergeant's back, and she arched her back into the touch. Amanda used the moment to roll them over so that she was on top before moving her lips to Liv's ear, whispering loving words in between wet kisses.  
She sat up fully, straddling Olivia's thighs and letting her hands wander over her sides and stomach, inching them upwards towards her breasts. "Is this okay?" she asked softly, waiting for a breathless nod before letting her fingers dance onto the olive globes atop a heaving chest. Olivia was so soft and so warm, Amanda thought she might explode. The sergeant's lips were parted slightly, and she felt as if she could watch Amanda explore her body forever. The sensations she felt were amazing by themselves, but looking at the absolute wonder and lust in Amanda's eyes as she gently tweaked a nipple was simply indescribable. The detective looked up at Olivia after a taking a moment to assess the older woman's level of sensitivity, and she was wearing a shy but mischievous smile. "Can I…use my mouth?"

The brunette tried to ignore the wetness that pooled in her underwear at her girlfriend's words. She had the right to enjoy this, but she wanted so badly to focus on Amanda's exploration. She tried to keep her voice even and uninvested as she answered, "If…if you want to."

The younger woman knew that Olivia enjoyed a sucking sensation on her neck, and that gave her an idea. With one more smile, Amanda moved from her straddle position to lie mostly next to Olivia, allowing only her head to hover over the sergeant's chest. Checking for one more nod, Amanda lowered her lips to the soft flesh below her. A soft gasp escaped Olivia and her hand came to rest in the blonde's hair. As they made eye contact, the brunette watched a darkened peak disappear into her girlfriend's mouth. Amanda was going to ask if she was sucking too hard, but when the hand that was holding her head pulled her forward, she figured she had the right idea already.

Eventually, the younger woman released the bud with a soft pop. "Was that okay?" she asked with a sly smile, already knowing the answer.

Olivia laughed, lowering her hand and massaging Amanda's neck lightly. "My God. When did you learn how to do that?"

Amanda giggled, pressing light kisses along Olivia's collarbone. "I'm a quick study." She shrugged.

"I couldn't agree more." Liv's fingernails lightly trailed over Amanda's ribcage. One of the things she had learned about her was that she liked gentle scratching. "Can we flip back over?"

The blonde nodded, lying on her back and waiting for Olivia to switch her position. After she did, the brunette hovered over her girlfriend for a moment, thinking. The fingers of one hand intertwined with the fingers of one of Amanda's, and the other came to rest on the plane of her stomach, nails scratching lightly.

"Is everything okay?" the detective eventually asked, her fingers brushing against Olivia's.

The older woman smiled softy and pressed a kiss to Amanda's lips. "Yeah, just giving you a break."

"I'm okay to keep going," she intoned, placing her free hand on top of the one of Olivia's that was on her belly, gently guiding it upward until careful fingers caressed the underside of her left breast. "It's okay," she promised. "I trust you."

With a quick squeeze to the hand she was holding, Olivia focused her attention on the movements of her other hand. She gently manipulated the soft skin beneath her fingers, noting that Amanda was a perfect handful and that they fit exactly together in this way.

Her eyes stayed trained on Amanda's face, watching for any signs of hesitation, but what she found were darkened blue orbs expressing nothing but trust. For added measure, the blonde decided to speak.   
"That feels good," she sighed, pulling Olivia in for a kiss.

Both women smiled into the kiss, and Amanda closed her eyes, drowning happily in what her body was experiencing. Olivia's hands were soft and gentle, but still moved with practiced intention, and it was clear that the ministrations, combined with wanting mouths, were designed to arouse. That didn't bother Amanda in the slightest. She wanted to feel this way. The safety and freedom of it all was overwhelming, and she felt as if she were running down a familiar street, oxygen forcing its way into her lungs, and exhilaration relaxing her body as she moved against Olivia. She found her hips bucking into the air of their own accord, and though part of her wanted to pull away, embarrassed, there was a more powerful force keeping their lips together now, and Amanda decided she wouldn't have stopped kissing Olivia in that moment if the world depended on it.

Olivia squeezed her side in a quick gesture of comfort, knowing Amanda may have been concerned by the involuntary motion, before trailing her hand down to the blonde's thigh, squeezing and scratching in time with the movement of her other hand on Amanda's chest.

It was Amanda who had to pull away. "Sorry, just needed some air," she heaved with a gentle chuckle, assuring Olivia that nothing was wrong.

"Reasonable," Olivia mused through kiss-bruised lips.

Amanda thought for a moment, shifting on the bed, and noting the odd pressure she felt between her legs. It wasn't a new sensation, but she certainly had not experienced it to this degree before. "Liv, do you think we can do that Goldilocks thing together?"

"Now?"

"Yeah, why not?" She wanted to sound casual, but the pleasant throbbing she felt made her squirm a little, definitely not going unnoticed by Olivia.

"Only if you're comfortable with it." The brunette hoped Amanda would be oblivious to her breath quickening. She was possibly about to get the chance to touch Amanda, like really touch her, but she didn't want to seem too excited. She was more than willing to cuddle up and go to sleep if that's what Amanda wanted, but she was unable to disguise the small glimmer of hope in her voice.

Amanda nodded, and the smile on her face was enthusiastic. "I would really like to try."

Olivia leaned over for one more quick kiss before sitting up onto her knees. "Can you grab the lube out of your cabinet for me?"

The blonde's eyes widened slightly. "Oh, we're gonna do this right now?"

"I thought we'd warm up a little more first," she assured. "Just wanted to be ready."

"Oh, okay." Amanda leaned over to reach into her bedside table, and Olivia let herself enjoy the view for a moment. "Here," Amanda whispered, passing the bottle off to her girlfriend with a slightly shaky hand.

"You know, we really don't have to do this," she reminded, taking the container from Amanda and setting it down next to her, before bracing herself on her elbow to get a closer look at Amanda's face. She watched her girlfriend drape her arm over her own stomach, almost as if in self-preservation. Olivia placed her hand over the younger woman's, before moving it back and forth over her forearm.

Amanda nodded with a shaky breath. "You remember what I said about being nervous?" Olivia's head bobbed in memory, but she wanted Amanda to finish her own thought. "I know that I'm safe with you, and I want to do this, but I think I'm still gonna be a little scared. It's weird cause no one has ever touched me like this."

"Okay, that's understandable," Olivia sighed, giving Amanda's arm a squeeze. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Just…take it slow, I guess."

Olivia nodded. "We'll take it slow," she guaranteed, "and I'm going to be so, so gentle, I promise."

"And talk," Amanda added.

"Of course," Olivia vowed. "We're going to communicate the whole time. Can I ask you to do something to help?" Amanda nodded. "Don't feel like I want you to respond a certain way. Do what feels natural. I would say the only thing I wouldn't want is for you to just lie there. I'm not doing something to you. This is something we're doing together. I need some sort of feedback. Our color system works if it's more comfortable."

Amanda totally understood Olivia's concern that she would just lie there like a statue. That was generally her go to in previous relationships, if she hadn't decided to fake in order to make it go faster. And although she was still anxious, knowing that's exactly what the brunette didn't want went a long way as far as comfort goes.

They kissed for several minutes longer before Olivia rested her forehead against Amanda's. "Can I touch you over your underwear?" Both hands remained steady on the detective's waist.

It was a logical step. Amanda spread her legs slightly farther out to give Olivia more access before nodding quickly.

"Do you want me to kiss you or would you rather focus on one thing at a time for now?"

The sergeant's understanding of how Amanda became overwhelmed was still beyond comprehension for her, but she appreciated it all the same. "Can you talk to me?"

"Of course. I could talk to you forever." Olivia smiled, pressing a kiss to the tip of Amanda's nose, and the gesture brought her back to when they had first started having conversations about sex, to when the blonde was first learning the safety of her girlfriend's touch, and calm settled over her. "While we're starting, I'm going to tell you everything I'm going to do before I do it because I don't want you to be surprised by a touch. Does that sound okay?"

"Mhm."

"Okay, I'm going to put my hand on your thigh, just like I was doing before."

Amanda nodded again. "Is it okay if I just tell you if I don't want you to do somethin'? My neck is gonna start hurting if I keep nodding like this," she chuckled lightly.

Olivia did as she said she would before smiling softly from her position beside Amanda. "Of course. That didn't even occur to me. Remind me to give you a neck massage later."

Amanda allowed one of her hands to grasp Olivia's free forearm. "Can you hold my hand?"

The brunette adjusted her position so that she could interlock her fingers with Amanda's, a reminder that they were in this together. "Okay, remember to breathe," she advised. "Are you comfortable?"

It was a direct question, so Amanda nodded. "Yeah, I'm good. You can touch me."

"I'm going to move my hand up your thigh slowly. I'm not going to jump from place to place, that way you can predict what's going to happen next." The younger woman wondered if her girlfriend had spent time planning this out in detail because the sequence of events sure felt prepared. Not in an unnatural or scripted way, but it definitely felt like Olivia knew what she was doing.

Olivia's hand trembled slightly as it made its way to its destination. She had to trust that she knew Amanda well enough to take care of her emotional needs, to make her feel safe in every moment. "I'm just going to put my hand over your underwear, love." Seeing no signs of hesitation, the brunette went ahead with the movement. She registered the dampness of Amanda's underwear before she heard the sharp intake of breath.

"I'm good," Amanda breathed, knowing Olivia would question the jarring sound so soon into what they were doing. "You can move your hand."

Liv acknowledged what Amanda had said with a soft hum before carefully moving her fingers back and forth over the blonde's underwear. "How does it feel?" she asked after a minute or so.

"It's good," was Amanda's reply. "It's not earth-shattering yet though, if that's what you're wonderin'."

The older woman pressed her lips to Amanda's temple. "I didn't expect it to be," she laughed. "I don't have The King Midas Touch."

The detective raised an eyebrow, to which Olivia laughed again. "Not everything I touch instantly turns to gold," she explained.

Oh. Back to the pot of gold jokes. "Very funny." Amanda's brow furrowed as she felt one of Olivia's fingers ghost just barely over the fabric covering her clit. "Can I take off my underwear?"

"It's your ship to steer. Do you want some help?" Amanda wordlessly lifted her hips, and Olivia guided the lace down her legs before tossing them off the bed. The younger woman allowed her legs to remain spread apart, and Olivia's eyes landed on the glistening lips laid out before her, stunned into silence for an extended moment. "God, you're beautiful."

The detective appreciated the compliment, however odd it may have been, but she had waited way to long for this. "Please."

Olivia nodded with a knowing smile. "I'm going to take care of you, sweetheart. Try and relax for me."

The blonde breathed in deeply, reaching for Olivia's dominant hand and pulling it towards wet flesh, but not completing the journey. "I'm going to grab some lube first," the brunette explained, gently pulling her hand out of Amanda's grasp. "I'll be quick," she promised. Olivia remembered her girlfriend's sensitivity to cold and made the decision to warm up the jelly-like liquid between her fingers before allowing it to touch Amanda's skin. "You're going to feel the same thing as before." The brunette, aware of Amanda's desperation (and if she were being honest, her own) decided not to waste any more time as she saw the blonde close her eyes softly in anticipation.

The gasp Olivia heard was her own as she felt her fingers become enveloped in warm, wet velvet. With the detective's blessing, the brunette dipped her fingers farther into the wetness she found between Amanda's legs, moving just over her entrance while making a point not to push in at all.

Amanda's eyes had closed, and her cheeks had further flushed, but she remained silent and still. "Baby? You still with me?" Olivia asked softly, stilling her hand totally.

The blonde's eyes snapped open. "Sorry, no, I'm here."

"Do you want to stop?"

Amanda shook her head. "Please, no. Green, very green."

Olivia chuckled lightly. "Closing your eyes can help you to concentrate. I just need to know you're not dissociating."

Amanda understood. She could conceivably have a flashback without Liv noticing for several seconds, and she didn't want her girlfriend to fear that happening. "How about I tell you what I learned when I tried on my own?" The younger woman desperately didn't want Olivia to stop touching her. The gentle stimulation was simultaneously fanning the flame deep within her and pouring water on it. It was the perfect combination of arousing and satiating.

"That's sounds good."

"So, I like d-direct stimulation," she stuttered, trying to keep her eyes open. "And circles."

Olivia nodded, taking in the information and squeezing the hand that was intertwined with hers. "I know it was a while ago, but do you remember anything about what kind of speed and pressure felt good?"

Amanda shrugged with a light shudder as she felt Olivia's hand continue to move between her legs. "Pretty hard and pretty fast? I know that's probably not helpful."

"No, it's very helpful," Olivia reassured with a soft smile. "You just might have to direct me a little. Are you okay with that?"

"Mhm." Amanda reached to hand her girlfriend the lube. "Oh, and I'm like really sensitive, so I think we'll need a lot of this."

"Nothing wrong with that," she promised, taking the bottle from Amanda with the hand that had been holding hers. "We'll make it work." She warmed up a small amount once again before tossing the bottle out of their way and returning her hand to its previous ministrations. "I'm going to start with very gentle circles, and we'll go from there, okay?"

After yet another nod (Amanda no longer cared if her body ached after this), Olivia brought her fingers up to tenderly brush against the blonde's clit, expecting and receiving a buck in response. Amanda reminded herself that this was an involuntary reaction to stimulation of the nerves, not unlike the knee reflex. "It's okay," Olivia soothed. "Let your body do what it does, love."  
She continued moving in slow, tender circles, and eventually the younger woman's limbs relaxed back down into the bed, and her legs spread farther apart.

"Can you go a little harder and a little faster?" Amanda quietly requested after some time.

"Mhm." Olivia complied, letting the fingers of her left hand rest on the top of Amanda's head. Her hair was practically a birds' nest at this point, but to the sergeant, it only added to the beauty of the blonde letting go. "Does that feel better?"

"Mm. That's perfect, Liv," she breathed, reaching her own hand out to tangle in Olivia's hair. "Come here."

They met in a sloppy kiss as Amanda's lips needed to stay parted in order to suck in a necessary amount of air.

Everything was happening too fast for Amanda to comprehend. She was experiencing sensation everywhere, and nothing she had ever felt even compared. She found her attention going elsewhere, so she   
forced her eyes to meet Olivia's, made herself focus on the moment, reminded herself to stay with Olivia. After all, where else would she rather be?

A burn low in her abdomen began increasing in intensity, and this was terra incognita—unknown territory. Amanda had never felt this particular sensation, and although she didn't dislike it, she did dislike the anxiety that came with it. She was beginning to feel uncomfortable. Everything Olivia was doing—with her fingers, with her lips—felt indescribably good, but the uncertainty and associated frustration building in Amanda's body certainly did not, so she knew she would be doing a disservice to herself if she allowed them to continue.

I'm gonna ask her to stop.

Just one more stroke.

Just one more kiss.

I mean it this time.

It took all the mental strength Amanda had to reach out and manually still Olivia's hand. "Liv, I-I need to stop."

Olivia's hand immediately turned to wrap around Amanda's, and she shifted entirely off of her girlfriend. "Did something happen? Are you okay?"

Still breathless, Amanda tried to form words. "Yeah, I, um." She stalled, and Olivia squeezed her hand encouragingly. "I thought I was going to—you know—and I panicked. I'm sorry."

Relieved, Olivia reached out a comforting hand to rub Amanda's arm. "Hey, you're fine. You did amazing."

A surge of hope reignited in Amanda's heart. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, absolutely. If you're not ready to go all the way yet, that's completely okay."

"I didn't want to stop, I just got scared."

"Hmm." Olivia wrapped an arm around Amanda, reaching for a blanket to cover them both. "Well, thank you for taking care of yourself anyway, even though it was hard. I appreciate your honesty, love. I don't ever want you to think we have to finish just because we started."

Amanda's head bobbed in understanding, absorbing her girlfriend's words, and feeling secure in the thought that tonight was a good thing. They got farther than either of them expected. And tomorrow was a new day. "I think I just need a little more time," she decided. "Eventually, I'll accept The King Midas Touch into my life."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I am so sorry for the amount of time it took to write and post this chapter. I hope the length and content made up for it. I can't make any promises about when the next one will be posted because I want to make sure I take the time to get it right, but rest assured, it's coming.   
> Thanks guys!  
> -Gabby


	9. Pot of Gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Here we go! If you haven't reviewed yet, please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story, as well as any suggestions you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.   
> I'm honestly nervous to post this, so any feedback would be much appreciated with this chapter. My heart is beating quickly as I'm making final edits. This one is so, so powerful.  
> I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subjects of sexual assault and explicit sex. ANGST TO COME!

Something Good  
Part 9: Pot of Gold

"Hey, Liv." Fin approached Olivia in the squad room. "What are you guys doing tomorrow for your anniversary?"

Olivia shrugged, pleased to have a distraction from the paperwork that sat in front of her on Amanda's vacant desk. "We'll probably get dinner or something. We haven't talked about it much yet."

"Oh, c'mon, Liv, you and Amanda have been dating for a year!" SVU's senior detective was not satisfied with the brunette's answer, and though he had learned to have more tact when it came to conversations regarding Olivia and Amanda, he wasn't going to hide that he was invested in the couple. "Carisi and I talked about it. We need to have a party or something."

The sergeant chuckled. Clearly Fin had not spent enough quality time with Amanda lately. "You think Amanda wants to have a party? On Valentine's Day, I couldn't even get her to go out to dinner."

"Okay, fine." Fin was prepared to negotiate. "How about tomorrow, you guys do"—Olivia raised her eyebrows in warning, and Fin hesitated before continuing—"whatever you do, and then on Saturday, we can have a small celebration. I'll invite Barba, and we can come to your apartment if you want, so Amanda doesn't even have to go anywhere."

It was a convincing sell, but it wasn't only Olivia's decision. The sergeant knew better than to decide to have a party unilaterally. Of course she would consult Amanda. "I'll ask her," Olivia conceded, "but I can't make any promises." She walked towards the lounge area where she figured her girlfriend would be, but not before patting her friend on the shoulder. "Thanks for the offer, Fin."

Amanda was found stirring a seemingly freshly brewed cup of coffee, and Olivia wordlessly followed suit, brewing some dark roast and drinking it black as usual. The brunette eventually smirked at her girlfriend, who still hadn't noticed her because she was lost in thought. "You enjoying your coffee creamer?"

The detective weakly concealed a small jump at the sudden sound that brought her out of her reverie, before turning to Olivia with a slightly amused grimace. "Are you enjoyin' your rocket fuel?" she countered, adding a smirk at the end of the point.

The older woman smiled into her mug. "You just looked so enthralled by the vanilla creamer. I wanted to know if I had anything to worry about."  
Jokes. Olivia was making jokes about their relationship now. Did this mean she was getting more comfortable as well?

"Ha ha." Amanda took the few steps remaining between her and her girlfriend, and kissed her cheek once she determined they were the only two in the room. "You should be a comedienne."

"Wow," Liv stressed with a beaming smile. "First a Girl Scout, now a comedienne. You really are obsessed with me."

Olivia wasn't saying anything either of them didn't already know.

The blonde settled against the cabinets lining the lounge, letting her elbow gently brush Olivia's every time one of them drank from their mug. "You're in a good mood," she observed after a moment, lying her head on her girlfriend's shoulder. She craved the contact after spending upwards of thirty minutes alone in the lounge, stirring creamer and sugar into coffee, spinning the mug's contents in circles similarly to the activity going on in her brain. Her drink had become lukewarm now, but she didn't mind it much.

"Well," the brunette mused, leaning her head to the side and allowing it to touch Amanda's, "I'm at work, doing what I love with the people I love. Life is good."

Amanda smiled with a small sigh. "Life is good," she agreed.

"So," Olivia began, lifting her head after a moment, "Fin wants to have an anniversary party for us. Said we could do it at the apartment if you don't want to go out."

Amanda shook her head with a light laugh. "That man knows me so well. Sure, why not?"

The sergeant's brow furrowed. "Really?"

"Were you counting on me sayin' no?" the blonde accused.

"Maybe a little," Liv confessed. "But I still think it'll be fun. Fin even suggested Saturday, that way we can do dinner tomorrow, just the two of us. The boys love us, and they just want to celebrate something."

"I definitely understand that urge." Amanda hesitated to continue speaking, instead thinking for quite some time. The more joy that these cops crammed into their lives, the better. It was the only way to tip the scales in the positive direction after the things they saw at work every day. "Actually, at the risk of turnin' our anniversary into a whole weekend, can we go out tonight so we can stay in tomorrow?"

Olivia nodded, momentarily puzzled, before making an effort to brush it off. "Yeah, okay, sure." Amanda wasn't one to stretch out anything that would bring her attention, but it was clear she had already put some thought into this plan. The older woman recalled how lost in her own mind her girlfriend had seemed when she first entered the lounge. "What were you thinking about before, love?" she asked softly.

"Oh, just…stuff," she played off, attempting to be nonchalant.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Olivia invited with care, a dull ache taking up residence in her chest as she feared that Amanda was suddenly hiding something from her.

"No, I'm good, Liv, I promise," she quickly assured, putting her coffee mug in the sink. "C'mon, I gotta be in court."

Amanda managed to not speak to Olivia about anything that wasn't directly related to work for the rest of the day. But when it came time for them to go out for their anniversary dinner, the blonde knew she wouldn't be able to avoid her incredibly observant girlfriend for much longer. There was something she wanted to talk about, but her nerves were getting the best of her.

"Hey! You ready for dinner?" Amanda asked, knocking on Olivia's open office door. The sergeant had recently moved from a desk in the squad room into her own office.

"Yeah! Just one second, love. You can come in and sit if you want."

Amanda anxiously entered the office, closing the door behind her, before sitting in the chair across from Olivia's. The brunette heard her take in a shaky breath and decided to begin a conversation, still typing on the keyboard in front of her, hoping the distraction would calm her until they were in an appropriate context to discuss what was going on. "How was testifying in the Ali Petersen case?"

"Oh, it was okay. The jury seemed moved by the outcry, and cross-ex wasn't too bad. Summations were this afternoon. I think Barba is winning, but we'll have to see." The blonde's leg bounced as she spoke, and her fingers fidgeted in uncertain agitation.

"Hmm." Olivia looked up for the first time, and she couldn't help herself any longer, taking off her reading glasses and sighing. How long was the blonde going to keep up this façade? "Are you okay, Amanda?"

At first, she nodded, but when Liv kept looking at her, her dark eyes drowning in concern, the detective faltered. "No."

Olivia logged out of her computer and stood up, walking around to sit in the chair next to Amanda and turning it slightly to further face her. The younger woman's heart melted when her girlfriend's voice did that whisper thing that it always did when she was particularly emotional. "Tell me what's going on, love."

"I…"

The sergeant tilted her head shallowly in anticipation. "It's okay."

"There's, uh, somethin' I wanted to ask you about, and for some reason, I've been nervous about it." Amanda's leg continued to bounce restlessly, and the sergeant noticed her chewing on her bottom lip.

Olivia had hoped that once she opened the lines of communication, Amanda's anxious tics would abate some, but it didn't seem like that was happening, and the older woman was utterly confused. 

"Sweetheart, you're here with me. There isn't anything you can't talk to me about."

"I know. I'm—" Amanda went to say "I'm sorry" but stopped herself. "I wanted to ask you about tomorrow, and about maybe trying to have sex again."

Was that all? "Oh, baby, why are you nervous to ask me about that?"

"I don't know." As soon as Olivia saw Amanda's lower lip begin to quiver, she stood up, moving to the door of her office, making sure it was locked and closing the blinds to ensure they would have privacy.

She made her way back to her desk, this time sitting on top of the furniture, closer to Amanda than she was before. The blonde was looking down at her hands, tears beginning to silently fall from her eyes. 

The younger woman didn't even know why she was crying. She hadn't been upset, just slightly anxious, so what had changed?

"I think it's just overwhelming," was what she eventually came up with. "The last few months have been…a lot, and as we get closer and closer…." Amanda trailed off, deciding Olivia could figure out the rest. The brunette reached out a hand towards her girlfriend, encouraging her to continue, and Amanda accepted the offer with a tearful smile. "It's all very intense. I'm not used to feelin' this much, in any capacity."

Olivia nodded. "You know," she started, giving Amanda's hand another squeeze, "leaping into the unknown can be very scary, and I think being a little uncomfortable in this situation is probably normal."

"You think so?" Amanda laid her head in Olivia's lap, allowing tears to continue to fall. She was afraid that the older woman was going to be upset with her for holding her anxiety in, but the brunette was clearly relieved that Amanda had ultimately decided to confide in her.

"I do think so." Olivia rested her free hand on Amanda's cheek, brushing tear-soaked hair behind her ear so that she could see her better. Eventually, they re-established eye contact, and Amanda sniffed.

"I'm sorry I pretended to be okay," she mumbled into Olivia's slacks, turning her head and averting her gaze. "I know how important honesty is, and I really fucked up today."

The blonde felt Olivia shift on her desk, gently guiding Amanda's head off of her lap, before standing up and returning to the seat she was in before. The younger woman waited expectantly as Olivia's eyes, brimming with unshed tears of their own, bore into hers. "'Manda, I'd be lying if I told you it doesn't hurt to be shut out. But I also know that your default is handling things on your own. It's what you're used to, what you've done your whole life. I've known you for more than four years, but I haven't truly known you for that long, and I know that's not an accident. It's always been dangerous to let people in, so you put up a dam—a wall—between yourself and everyone else because it's the only way you've been able to stay safe. You didn't fuck up today. You were feeling anxious, and you reverted back to your old ways. Being vulnerable with me is hard work for you, and it makes sense that feeling all the intensity of the last few months would bring back the urge to hide, and that me asking you about it made you cry. You hold so much tension in your body, it's no wonder you're so easily overwhelmed these days. We've broken the dam," she concluded, lifting Amanda's chin to be sure their eyes met, "but it's going to take some time to let all the water flow through."

The detective sighed shakily, knowing that Olivia's words made sense, but she was still feeling unsure of what she should do next. "I want to have sex tomorrow, but if I'm having a hard time with this conversation, am I really ready to go all the way?"

Olivia smiled gently at her girlfriend, letting her fingers caress a blushed cheek softly for a moment. "I can't answer that for you, love, but when you decide what the answer is, I'm here. You aren't alone anymore, Amanda. It'll help if you can remember that."

Is wasn't that Amanda often forgot; Liv was at her heels in a literal sense practically 24/7. But it was still hard for the blonde to justify asking for help when she could probably handle something on her own. The last thing she wanted was to be a burden. But she also knew that Olivia wouldn't be inviting her to discuss these things if she wasn't more than happy to be involved. Olivia was one of those people who knew their boundaries, and always demanded they be respected, so of course she genuinely wanted to be there for her girlfriend if she was offering. It didn't make the situation less awkward for Amanda, but it did make it less scary, and she needed assistance in determining their next course of action. No one knew the detective better than Olivia did. "Can you help me find out the answer?"

Olivia thought for a minute, taking in the vulnerability that Amanda was painstakingly giving to her. "We probably shouldn't decide today that we are having sex tomorrow. If you decide you're not ready, it's important that you always know you have a way out. We can't just commit."

Right. That made sense. Why did Olivia always have to make so much sense? "Okay, but can we decide if we're tentatively planning on tryin' again tomorrow?"

"Sure," the sergeant replied with one last stroke of her thumb across Amanda's cheek. "Do you want to try again tomorrow?"

The blonde almost laughed at the simplicity of the question. "God, yes. So much. Please." It wasn't the most eloquent speech Amanda had ever given, but they were the words she was able to put together.   
When Olivia didn't say anything else, the detective felt compelled to ask, "I mean, do you—do you want to?"

Olivia realized that her silence had made her girlfriend assume she wasn't enthused by the prospect. "Of course, baby. Of course I do. Please don't think my hesitation means that I don't. I just don't want you to feel pressured, or—"

"Okay, Liv," Amanda interrupted her, planting both hands on either of her shoulders, "you need to know that I've never felt any pressure from you. Okay? Not once, I promise."

Olivia nodded, relieved. "Okay."

Amanda considered adding something else for a moment, and Olivia could see the uncertainty in her eyes. "What is it, love?"

"Well," she hesitated, "one of the things that has been botherin' me is that…" She trailed off, but Olivia's encouraging eyes drove her to continue. "Sometimes I worry that you don't want me as much as I want you."

Olivia was dumbfounded. It hadn't even occurred to her that her plan to slowly guide Amanda into more physical intimacy would come across this way. "What?"

"I know it's ridiculous," was Amanda's immediate disclaimer, and Olivia allowed her to keep speaking in order to encourage her to share, even though she wanted to interject. "And it's irrational. And it's just because I'm not used to this much patience. The only way I could have gone this long without sex before is if the guy wasn't all that attracted to me. I'm still havin' a hard time escaping that reality in my mind. I know we've waited a whole year because you love me, but I just needed to be sure."

"You need to hear that I'm attracted to you? That I want you?"

Amanda nodded. "Is that pathetic?"

The older woman shook her head with a gentle smile. "Not at all," Olivia assured her, leaning in towards her girlfriend, before kissing Amanda's forehead, her nose, and finally her lips.

The blonde had not expected Olivia to kiss her this fervently at work. Sure, nobody could see them, but the sergeant was usually a stickler about professionalism, especially in the precinct when they weren't alone. But that was exactly the point. Olivia was telling her that the love and desire she had for Amanda was so powerful that she no longer cared about where they were. The younger woman needed to feel wanted, and Olivia would always give her what she needed.

Amanda felt Olivia's hand tangle in her hair. It occurred to her that when she left the office she would look like a total mess, but she decided to cast the thought aside for the time being in order to fully appreciate the moment. It was almost a minute later that Olivia pulled back, resting her forehead against the detective's, both women recovering breathlessly.

"What do you think now?" she whispered after a moment.

Amanda offered a shy but pleased smile. "I think you wanna jump my bones right here in this office."

Liv chuckled, and pressed her lips to Amanda's once more only for a moment. "If you ever need me to say it verbally, please tell me. I don't want you to feel unloved or unwanted ever again, and I'll remind you every day for the rest of my life if I have to."

The younger woman was feeling a lot better, and so she bobbed her head up and down, communicating understanding. "So," she started after a moment, "tentatively planning for tomorrow?"

Olivia smiled widely. "I would absolutely love that. Do you want to get out of here now and get some food?"

Amanda nodded, sighing softly as Olivia stood up to grab her things, and then she remembered the state she was currently in. "Fuck, Liv, I've been cryin'. Fin and Sonny are gonna notice."

"Hey, take a deep breath." Olivia paused in her mission to gather her belongings in order to turn her attention back to Amanda. "If you're worried about it, I can grab some baby wipes from the bathroom before we go, but I don't think they'll pry, especially if they can see that I'm with you."

The blonde wanted so badly to just tell Olivia that it was okay and to just walk out of her office together. She wanted desperately to show her that she wasn't ashamed of her emotions, but she simply wasn't there yet. She wasn't ready for questions, particularly because there wasn't a cut and dry answer to why she had been crying to begin with. She was in a good place. She had Olivia, and they were headed in the right direction. They were about to celebrate the first anniversary of the day they had begun dating, and she felt the most secure—physically and emotionally—she had ever felt in a relationship. In simple terms, she was happy, but it was the intensity of the journey to get there that overwhelmed her. It was too much to explain to the boys, so the younger woman took Olivia up on her offer to gather some wipes.

Dinner went on without a hitch, and each woman happily enjoyed being in the company of the other. Olivia decided not to broach the topic of the next day again, but she did let herself hold Amanda's hand as they sat together, she did chance a few longing looks from across the table, and she did remind herself that Amanda wanted to feel wanted. Amanda gave herself permission to relax a little, which was hard at first, but eventually she told her anxiety to take a hike, and to her own surprise, the assertiveness in her attitude actually had somewhat of an effect. She had lost so much time already; she wasn't going to miss out on her and Olivia's first anniversary dinner too.

The next morning, Amanda rolled over in bed, noticing it was chilly just as the Manhattan sky became painted with the vivid colors of sunrise. The blonde sighed anxiously, deciding in favor of silently getting out of bed in order to give Olivia some more time to sleep. Her day began in a rainbow-would it end in one too?

A few hours later, the sergeant came slowly down the stairs to find Amanda staring out of their window. "You do that a lot these days," she commented, walking towards her girlfriend.

Amanda smiled at the voice, turning her head momentarily to see her girlfriend entering her field of vision. "Coffee's by the Keurig, babe."

Instead of making her way towards what she often saw as an oasis in the desert of exhaustion, she approached Amanda, placing both hands on two bare shoulders and squeezing lightly. "You're still pretty tense," she observed quietly, squeezing again when the younger woman melted into the touch.

"My normal," she shrugged, before attempting to turn around. "You know, you really don't have to do that, Liv."

The brunette gently blocked the movement by squeezing the skin beneath her fingertips again. "I know, love. I want to. It's okay to let me do this for you."

Amanda nodded, exhaling heavily. "You don't want coffee?" she asked eventually.

Olivia pressed her lips to the nape of her girlfriend's neck before murmuring, "Not as much as I want this."

The blonde sighed, taking a moment to savor the feeling of Olivia gently massaging sore muscles. "Why are you so good at that?"

The older woman shrugged. "I'm just listening to your body and responding to what I notice."

Amanda was quiet for a minute, thinking about nothing in particular. She was content to just be present with Olivia, which meant she'd come a long way in the past year of their relationship. There was a security there, a safety, and she didn't feel like she had to do anything. Just being was enough. "Do you remember the first time we kissed?"

The question came seemingly out of nowhere, but Olivia smiled at the memory, quickly kissing a cool cheek. The blonde must have been standing by the window for hours for her face to become that cold.   
"How could I forget?"

Amanda turned around, finding it important that her girlfriend see her face when she shared her next thought. "You looked at me with those eyes, Liv, and you asked for my permission. It completely shattered my existence, something so small…. I registered feelin' safe for the first time in my entire life, and I just knew, I knew I was in for something good."

Olivia hummed softly, reaching out to rub an arm that was littered with goose bumps. Amanda didn't consciously feel cold, so she didn't mind the chill of the draft coming in through the marginally open window. She knew her girlfriend appreciated her words, and the detective wanted so desperately for Liv to understand what her patience and love had done for her. "Speaking of something good," Olivia said after some comfortable silence, "I wanted to check in and see how you're feeling about today."

Amanda knew the older woman was being more specific than simply referring to their anniversary, and she was grateful to her for bringing it up. "I mean, I'm still scared, but I do want to try."

The sergeant thought about it for a second, and though it seemed like Amanda had made her decision, she longed to make it easier for her. She didn't think it was possible to go into it with Amanda having no hesitation, and she understood why that was, but she did want her girlfriend to be as confident and feel as safe as possible. "Have you put any more thought into what it is that scares you? Is it because you've never experienced it before? Is it the vulnerability-you're afraid of letting go?"

The blonde lifted both hands to rub at the tiredness in her eyes. She wished they could be done with this conversation, and she wished she didn't have to consider the reasons for her anxiety. There weren't any real reasons anymore, she decided. That's why the irrationality of it was so frustrating. "All of the above." Olivia nodded, reaching for both of Amanda's hands so that they could look at each other.

"'Manda," Olivia began solemnly, and the younger woman could tell by the tone of her voice what she was going to say. That they should wait, that she probably wasn't ready, that especially because she was a survivor, not green automatically meant red. But Amanda was done with just surviving.

She was ready to live.

"No," she interrupted Olivia, and the authority she spoke with stunned the sergeant into silence. "I'm tired of letting my fears dictate my entire existence. Liv, you and I both know that being brave doesn't mean I'm not afraid. It means I am afraid, but I do it anyway. I'm takin' back my power…today. And I promise you that I will tell you if I change my mind, but as of now, baby, if you're still in, I'm still in."

The sergeant had never seen Amanda use such assertiveness in expressing what she wanted, and pride was an understatement for what she felt for her girlfriend in that moment. She leaned her forehead into Amanda's, allowing her watery eyes to look into the blonde's trusting pools of blue, and then whispered, her voice breaking, "I'm still in."

Amanda nodded against Liv's forehead as she felt her hand come to rest over her cheek, a careful thumb stroking delicately. "Thank you."

Olivia smiled tearfully at the phrase, deciding not to reject the gratitude. "You are so, so welcome."

The couple took another moment to just be, which Amanda was learning to enjoy more and more these days. The blonde had spent all her life worrying about what she was going to do next, worrying about what she needed to do for other people, worrying about what she was missing out on. It was such a relief to her to allow herself to just be in the here and now, and though she often found her mind wandering even when she would rather it didn't, she couldn't ignore the strides she had made.

Even thinking about this caused her to leave the present moment with Olivia, which she noticed, so the sergeant decided to speak in order to reel her back in. "So, I have some good news. Fin called."

Amanda was happy to return to the kitchen with Olivia. "Yeah?"

"He said the jury came back in less than an hour," the older woman reported, deciding to wrap both arms around Amanda's waist in order to prolong the contact, "and their guilty verdict was due largely to your testimony."

Olivia could feel the relief in Amanda's body as she exhaled. "Really?"

"Mhm. He also said that he and Carisi have it covered today so we can spend the day at home."

"Wow," Amanda laughed. "He must really want me to get laid."

Olivia pressed her lips to Amanda's quickly, before letting them linger at the blonde's ear. "Well," she whispered, smiling as she felt a shiver run through her girlfriend's body, "so do I."

"Sergeant Benson," Amanda gasped, "what a change in you!"

She laughed with Amanda for a moment, and then her face sobered. "I'm so sorry you were afraid I didn't want you."

Amanda shook her head, stressing that this wasn't Olivia's fault. She didn't want her blaming herself for being careful. "You were taking care of me. I should have asked sooner."

"No," the older woman disagreed, "I should have been more clear about what I was doing from the beginning."

The blonde reached up to softly caress an olive-toned cheek, deciding that arguing about this with Liv would probably ruin the mood of the day. If they thought about it hard enough, Amanda was sure they could both find things in their relationship that they could have done better, but the detective especially was still learning, and she wanted Olivia to give herself the same grace that she afforded her. Her girlfriend had taught her the basics of self-compassion and the importance of being gentle and generous with yourself, but she tended to be something of a hypocrite when it came to practicing self-love, and Amanda wanted to remind her that she didn't have to be perfect in order to deserve tenderness. "It's okay. I'm just glad we get to figure this out together."

Liv kept one arm around Amanda's waist, and moved the hand of the other to encase the back of her head, bringing her lips to her forehead and then her nose. "Me too."

Amanda wrapped both arms around Olivia's neck, tangling still semi-awkward fingers into chestnut locks in order to keep her close. "Can we go back to bed?"

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? It's only ten in the morning."

The younger woman chuckled at her girlfriend's assumption, giving way to a yawn. "No, literally, I'm exhausted. Can we please go back to sleep?"

"Yes, of course. I'm not so tired, but I'm happy to lie with you for a little while."  
"I can live with that."

As Amanda napped, Olivia watched over her. Her gentle breathing was a comfort, as was the peaceful expression worn on her face as she slept. The sergeant smiled softly at her slightly twitching eyelids, something Olivia had learned was a dead giveaway that the blonde was dreaming comfortably. The older woman had never taken it upon herself to watch a girlfriend sleep, and she certainly had never been so completely enthralled by it before. But watching Amanda sleeping securely next to her was like seeing a piece of her heart enveloped in warmth and peace. It was how she had always pictured home. Liv had never felt at home before. Though she had loved her mother fiercely, they never had the type of relationship they were supposed to have. She knew Amanda had a different but still comparable experience, and though she hadn't considered it before, perhaps it was their mutual loneliness and longing for connection that created the kind of friendship that was capable of turning into love.

Eventually Amanda stirred, and Olivia stayed quiet in case she wanted to stay asleep. In no time at all though, her eyes opened, and she inched closer to Olivia.

The older woman glanced at her cellphone. "Before you ask, it's almost two p.m."

Amanda hummed. "Why do you think I always want to know what time it is?" Not that the brunette was qualified, but for some reason the detective almost enjoyed being psychoanalyzed by her girlfriend. 

She reveled in being understood.

"Well," Olivia thought, interlocking their fingers and kissing each knuckle, "I think you're still learning how to not stress over lost time. Not that I think a three-hour nap is lost time. Taking care of yourself is always useful."

Amanda nodded, reaching for her own phone. "I'm turnin' this bad boy off. Today, it's just you and me. How does that sound?"

Olivia stretched to kiss Amanda soundly. "Absolutely perfect."

After a minute or so, the sergeant pulled back only slightly. "I'm going to make us lunch. Why don't you take a bath or something, relax a little?"

Amanda's brow furrowed in confusion. "I just took a whole nap."

"Can I still make you lunch?" Olivia shrugged.

"I'm not gonna say no to lunch," she laughed.

"We still have leftovers from last night," Olivia offered, standing up and stretching a little.

"Oh," Amanda realized, accusing her lightly, "you're not gonna make lunch, you're gonna reheat lunch."

After they ate, both women sat on the couch in their living room, cuddling close, talking and bantering lightheartedly. After a while, Olivia felt Amanda shift, moving to straddle the older woman, before pressing her lips to the brunette's pulse-point, reveling in the quickening of the beat. "I love that I can do that," she mused, nuzzling the skin between her girlfriend's neck and shoulder.

"Mm. You're capable of a lot more than you realize," was Olivia's thick response.

"Yeah?" Amanda questioned smugly, resting her forehead against Olivia's. "Like what?"

Liv's eyes grew dark, and she grappled with the fabric of Amanda's tank top for a moment before stilling her hand. "Do you want to go to the bedroom?"

Amanda nodded, swallowing hard. "Please."

Instead of giving her time to move, Olivia wrapped both arms tightly around her girlfriend, taking her with her as she stood up. One hand rested on her upper back, keeping her in a secure hold, and the other rested lightly on her ass because—well, why not? Liv raised an eyebrow, staying still for a moment after standing up, but once Amanda nodded quickly, she practically raced to their shared room, lovingly laying her girlfriend down on the bed before settling between her legs and resting her hands on either side of Amanda's face.

"That was fast," Amanda observed, letting the fingers of her right hand delicately trace the usually serious features of Olivia's face. The brunette smiled, and Amanda enjoyed moving her pointer finger over the crinkles it created over the bridge of her nose.

"Well, I'm nothing if not efficient," Liv postured jokingly.

"Just how efficient are you?" Amanda asked suggestively with a raised eyebrow, already slowly moving the fabric of Liv's T-shirt up her back.

In response, Olivia broke free of Amanda's hold, sitting up and removing her own shirt in one quick maneuver. The sergeant's gaze then returned to her girlfriend's eyes, but Amanda was no longer looking at her face. The brunette watched as Amanda carefully rested the palm of her hand just below Olivia's belly button, moving it up, fingers first, over her ribs, before allowing it to rest in between the older woman's breasts. Both women's breathing was audible, and after an extended moment, Amanda's eyes travelled back to meet Olivia's. "You're so beautiful, Liv," she breathed.

Olivia gently took hold of the blonde's hand, pulling it upwards and to the left until it rested over her heart, which was pounding. The older woman leaned forward, keeping her fingers over Amanda's on her chest, before whispering into her ear, "You're everything to me, and I love you with all of my heart."

Both women seemed to reflect the sentiment that they couldn't get close enough to one another, and soon they were both undressed down to their panties. With mouths connected and legs intertwined, they moved together as one with the practiced ease of a couple who had been doing this for much longer than they had.

After some time, Olivia pulled her lips away from Amanda's and attached them to the hollow of her throat. Her kisses became chaste as they travelled a path down to the blonde's collarbone. The sergeant kissed the swells of each breast once before bypassing them completely and continuing the journey down her torso, lips brushing over her ribcage and then her stomach, landing at her belly button.

Amanda's chest heaved in response to both the sensation and the care her girlfriend was taking, but a wave of hesitation washed over her as Olivia's lips caressed the elastic waistband of her underwear. "Hey, Liv?"

The brunette looked up at the sound of Amanda's voice. "Yeah?"

The detective tried to sound casual. "Whatcha doin'?"

Olivia smiled softly, pressing her lips one more time to the bare skin just before cotton began. "Kissing you. Is that okay?"

"Yeah," Amanda replied, and it was okay. "Just…where are you goin'?"

The older woman immediately understood exactly what Amanda was asking, so she moved herself back up the blonde's body and lightly kissed her nose. "Nowhere you don't want me to," she assured.

Amanda nodded. "What you were doin' was okay, I just got nervous because I didn't know…."

"I figured you probably weren't ready for that. I was about to come back up anyway. Is this where you'd rather me stay?"

Amanda nodded once again. "Yeah, just for now until I get more used to different things."

"That sounds like a plan." Olivia brought her forehead down to touch Amanda's after a moment. "What are you thinking?"

The younger woman smiled. "Just processing. We can keep going." She added punctuation to her point by wrapping a leg around one of Olivia's thighs, bringing it closer to her core.

Liv wasn't sure exactly what Amanda was requesting, so she decided to ask. "Do you want me to hold my leg against you?"

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah, of course." Olivia nodded, her palm coming to rest against the side of Amanda's face. She could tell her girlfriend was a little embarrassed by this particular ask, and she wanted to make sure that Amanda felt safe with where this was going. "It might feel more comfortable for you to move against me if you're on top. Do you want to try that?"

The blonde wordlessly rolled them over, so she was lying on top of Olivia, who carefully moved her thigh in between Amanda's legs. "Are you comfortable?" the younger woman asked after a moment. "I don't want you to feel like you have to do this just because I want to. I only wanna explore what you want to, Liv."

Olivia smiled at the Amanda turning the tables. "I absolutely want to do this, but thank you for checking."

Amanda liked the way it felt to give and receive at the same time. They felt like a team. "What should I do?" she asked.

"Well, that's up to you," Olivia told her, a hand moving slowly up and down her bare back. "I'm okay with whatever feels right for you. I'm just going to keep my leg right here, and we can kiss or—"

Amanda's lips claimed Olivia's with searing heat in an instant, and she appreciated the feeling of her girlfriend's arms holding her tight. She knew she was safe to try whatever she wanted to try, but making the decision to do so proved to be difficult. She reminded herself that she deserved this, that she deserved to experience pleasure and connection. Still, the first roll of her hips was the hardest.

The gasp that involuntarily left her made her pull away from the kiss. Olivia's hand securely grasped the back of Amanda's head, holding their foreheads together. "That was great," she praised. "Try it again."

Olivia felt another careful movement against her thigh, and watched as Amanda's eyes closed at the sensation, before trying it one more time, a small sigh escaping her lips. "It'll feel better if you add some rhythm," she offered after a moment.

Amanda's eyes snapped open. "Rhythm?"

Liv smiled softly. "Do you want me to help you?"

"Um…."

"We could just try it, and if you don't like it, we don't have to keep doing it." The offer was soft, and Amanda knew she didn't have to commit to anything.

"Sure, okay."

Liv thought about how exactly to go about what she wanted to do. It probably wasn't a good idea to move her thigh in time with Amanda's rocking because the brunette wasn't yet sure of how much pressure would be overstimulating to her girlfriend, and she wanted the control to remain in her hands. "Alright, how about this?" The older woman allowed her hand to trail down Amanda's back one more time, letting it come to rest on her right butt cheek. "I'm going to keep my hand here, and every time I squeeze, I want you to rock your hips into me, okay?"

Amanda nodded. She trusted Olivia's guidance more than anything else in the world, and the sergeant was learning her body and what it needed to feel good, so she figured there was no harm in trying. "I'm ready."

Olivia kept the fingers of her left hand tangled in Amanda's hair, lightly scratching against her scalp and holding their foreheads together. "I'm right here, okay? I got you." The older woman invited Amanda to rest her forehead on her shoulder, before moving her left hand to move along her back. "You go when you're ready, and then I'll start squeezing."

The blonde took in a shaky breath, holding on to Olivia tightly, hoping this form of contact would ground her, before slowly but intentionally rolling her hips forward with more confidence then before. The brunette cooed her praise in response to the audible exhale that accompanied the movement before squeezing the fabric and flesh below her hand for the first time. Amanda responded immediately, rocking forward with another soft gasp. As her confidence grew, Olivia prompted her girlfriend to rock more quickly, and eventually they had settled into a steady rhythm. The consistency of the sensations created by Olivia's hand and thigh was heavenly, but there came a time when Amanda knew she needed more.

"Liv, I don't think this is gonna be enough," she admitted after slowly coming to a stop.

"That's okay," the brunette promised with one last squeeze of her right hand. "Can you tell me what you think will be enough?"

"Um…" a blush formed on her cheeks, and Olivia massaged her scalp in encouragement. "The circles from last time—that's what felt best."

Olivia nodded happily, and shifted out from under her girlfriend. She was looking forward to being able to touch Amanda again, but she knew they needed to start slow. "Ooh, let me grab the lube before I forget."

"Uh, not to be crude," Amanda smirked, stilling the hand that reached for the cabinet, "but I think I'm wet enough."

The brunette smiled softly, then brought the hand that stopped hers to her lips. "Humor me?"

Amanda released her grip. Olivia needed to feel comfortable with what they were doing too, and if overpreparing was what Liv needed to feel safe, then the detective wasn't going to stop her. As the older woman acquired the bottle of lubricant, Amanda lifted her hips and removed her own underwear. She had waited long enough for this, and didn't see a reason to draw it out for any length of time.

Realizing what Amanda had done while she had been distracted, Olivia chuckled lightly, shifting on the bed to lie next to her girlfriend and resting a hand on the detective's ribcage. "Someone's eager."

"Yeah, well—" The blonde knocked the still closed bottle of lube out of the sergeant's hand, before grasping it tightly in her own. "I want you to touch me just once without the lube, and then just try to imagine what's goin' on in my head."

The older woman knew that Amanda was turned on. It was clear in the hastiness of her movements, in the darkening of her irises, and in the frantic utterance of her words. Knowing how riled up and unbelievably frustrated the blonde must be at this point, Olivia decided to comply; it wasn't like she couldn't incorporate the lube later if it was needed. She also would have been lying if she tried to claim that she didn't long to feel the warmth of her girlfriend's arousal.

Amanda moved Olivia's hand towards where she wanted it, which she hoped would be seen as a gesture of encouragement, nodding with a small smile. She hated that Liv was still so guarded when it came to touching her. Amanda had made it abundantly clear that this was what she wanted, but the SVU sergeant didn't know how to not be careful. The blonde placed Olivia's hand over her glistening folds, pressing lightly to get the message across that she wanted it to stay there. "Please," she begged.

Olivia shifted to get a better angle, before dipping her middle and forefinger into wet heat. Amanda's fingernails dug into the older woman's shoulder blade, and she gasped, realizing what she had done.   
"Baby, I'm so sorry. Did I hurt you?"

Liv bent down to press her lips to Amanda's nose. "You're fine. It didn't hurt. Was that too much? I tried not to push too deep."

Amanda shook her head, massaging the area that her nails had marred. "It's a lot, but it's not too much."

"I won't push all the way in," Olivia promised, referring to Amanda's number one red light touch. Once she received a nod of understanding, the brunette allowed her fingers to move slowly back and forth over Amanda's folds, consciously avoiding her clit. "You are very wet," she observed with a sly smile. "Does it feel okay?"

"Look at me." Amanda gripped Olivia's face in both hands, biting her lip in response to the feeling of the tip of one of her girlfriend's fingers teasing the underside of her clit delicately. "Do I look like I'm in distress?" Olivia did look at Amanda, and in her face, she saw calm. It was an expectant calm that carried a twinge of excitement, but nonetheless, her expression was blissful.

The brunette nodded once, wrapping an arm around Amanda and pulling her onto her side so that they were facing each other. "I just want to hold you," the older woman explained, her left hand on   
Amanda's back and the fingers of her right hand still softly moving along sodden flesh.

Amanda felt the thumb of the hand that worked between her legs begin to stroke one of her outer lips, a soft gesture of comfort and grounding, and that combined with the way the sergeant was looking at her made her breath catch in her throat. "Liv," she breathed.

Olivia let her lips linger at Amanda's forehead, a non-verbal communication of love, as she gradually increased the pressure of the two fingers surrounded by her girlfriend's heat. Though her entire body was sensitive to touch, particularly those traditionally erogenous zones, Olivia had found that with Amanda, if it wasn't almost too much, it probably wasn't enough. She needed to feel deeply, totally, in a way that allowed no distraction.

"Liv," she repeated breathlessly, a shaky hand covering the brunette's and pushing it towards her clit. "Please, it almost hurts."

It had been a while since Olivia had been that desperate to feel stimulation between her legs, and admittedly she hadn't even touched herself in the year that she and Amanda had been dating. It was important to her that this was a journey they went on together. But she knew exactly what Amanda was describing, and the words caused a breathtaking throb to shoot through her core as well.

"Hey, look at me," she coaxed gently once she had regathered her bearings, "you don't have to beg, baby. I'm gonna take care of you." Olivia situated them so that the back of her hand rested against her own thigh, both appendages pushed snugly into Amanda who, sufficiently assured she would get what she'd asked for, had released her hold on her girlfriend's hand. "Keep your eyes on me," Liv directed, using her free hand to wrap Amanda's leg around her waist, before allowing her fingers to dance back up her thigh, and then she took a moment to squeeze one of the firm globes of Amanda's ass. 

Afterwards, she returned to a tight hold, her hand landing on the blonde's back, alternating rubbing and light scratching.

The younger woman's body arched into her, and Amanda couldn't stand the anticipation for one moment more. Their eyes met, and the detective inhaled sharply as she felt the tip of Olivia's pointer finger rest over the head of her clit, and then come to a complete stop.

"I'm beggin' now, Liv, please."

Olivia watched as a single tear escaped the blonde's eye, and she kissed it away tenderly. The older woman's heart ached for the exasperation being expressed in Amanda's body and in her words, but she still needed to remind her of the rights she had in this situation. Olivia was enjoying herself just as much as her girlfriend was, but she knew she held much of the power in what they were doing, and she had to say her piece. "I'm going to start off very soft, and if you feel any discomfort at all, just tell me and I'll stop. As soon as you say the word, okay?"

Amanda's nod was vigorous. She wasn't being coerced into consenting to this touch-she wanted it more than anything she had ever dared to dream of. The younger woman wrapped one arm around Olivia's back, holding her close similarly to what her girlfriend was doing, and the other arm circled the brunette's neck, clammy fingers playing with wisps of brown hair.

They held that position for several moments, both women staring deeply into each other's eyes. Olivia shot beams of love, light, and comfort out of her orbs, wishing for the sentiment to reach Amanda's soul. The detective stared just as intensely, willing Olivia's fingers to move, even just a little bit.

When it finally happened, the sound that ripped through Amanda's throat was indescribable. It was a dissonant wail combined with a scream and a relieved sob, and still it was more than that. Olivia almost automatically pulled her hand away, as if she had touched a scorching flame. But the look in Amanda's eyes dared her to even consider it.

The last time they had done this, Amanda was expecting to just learn some things about what felt good, but the sergeant and the detective both knew this was different. This was the real deal, and the pressure and relief of it all only added to the intensity of what both women were feeling.

After a little while, Amanda spoke up, winded. "Just a little more…pressure," she managed to get out.

Olivia rolled them over, so that Amanda was once again on her back, taking a moment to shake out her hand. "Need a better angle," she clarified. "You okay if I'm on top of you?"

Amanda nodded with a soft chuckle. "As long as your hand stays where I need it."

"I'm not going anywhere, love," Olivia stressed, leaning in to press her lips to her girlfriend's, before returning her pointer and middle fingers to Amanda's clit. Noticing it was not as lubricated as she would have liked, the brunette dipped her fingers into where she knew wetness would be pooling, and then she brought her hand back up, knowing Amanda would appreciate the smoother friction.  
When she didn't respond the way the older woman anticipated, Olivia moved her right hand to rest on her girlfriend's hip bone, and then she reached for Amanda's hand with the other, squeezing it in an attempt to ground her. "Hey sweetheart. I'm feeling some tension in your body, so I want to check in with you. Are you okay?"

Amanda bobbed her head up and down, returning Olivia's squeeze as she shakily took a breath, before shifting on the bed to find a more comfortable position among the pillows. "Yeah, sometimes I just have to remind myself to relax."

Olivia's brow furrowed, gently squeezing Amanda's hip with sticky fingers. "Do you feel like we need to stop?"

Amanda let out a frustrated grunt, covering her face with both of her hands, before sighing deeply. "Please stop asking me if I want to stop."

The brunette's brow furrowed further. "What do you mean?"

"I'm so sorry, Liv, but all it's doing is makin' me anxious," she articulated slowly, hating that she felt the need to say this. She didn't want to hurt Olivia's feelings, especially because she was being so sweet, but the tension that her girlfriend found in her body was due to the fear of having to stop at any moment, and it was making it hard for her to truly relax. "Because I don't want to stop, and it makes me feel like all you're thinkin' about is that I'm a survivor, and I gotta tell you Liv, that's not a turn on."

Though it stung a little, Olivia appreciated any time Amanda was able to completely tell it like it was. It came naturally to her in the squad room, but in the bedroom, it was still a work in progress. "Want me to tell you what I'm actually thinking about?"

"Please?"

Olivia moved the hand on Amanda's hip slowly up her side. "I'm thinking about how much I love you, which is why I wanted to check in and make sure you were okay."

"I'm sorry, baby," the blonde apologized. "I shouldn't have even said that. I really do appreciate it. I didn't mean to make you feel bad." A wave of guilt washed over Amanda, and Olivia noticed.

"Hey, I don't feel bad, and I don't want you to feel bad either. I'm just trying to let you into my head, so you know that I'm not only thinking about you as a survivor. Do you want to hear more?"

"Yes."

Olivia rested her forehead against Amanda's for a second before speaking, pressing featherlight kisses into the skin of the detective's cheeks, nose, eyelids, and lips. "I think you are the most beautiful sight I've ever seen." A kiss to the bridge of her nose. "The way you're breathing and moving with purpose, chasing and asking for what you want—it's unbelievably sexy." A kiss to a rosy cheek. "The way you look at me when something feels particularly good—it takes my breath away." Two kisses to both eyelids. "The way you're allowing yourself to relinquish some control, the way you are giving someone permission to take care of you, the way you can put your trust in me after everything you've been through—it's the bravest thing I've ever seen anyone do." A lingering kiss to Amanda's parted lips. "You are my hero, Amanda Rollins, and the only thing I'm thinking about right now is how lucky I feel to be the person you chose to experience this with you."

"I don't want to stop," Amanda asserted thickly after a moment. "This isn't the part that scares me anymore."

Olivia sighed, bringing her hand back down to rest on the younger woman's hip. "I know. I just…it's instinctual."

The blonde's desire to help Olivia decrease the amount of worry she felt for her girlfriend wasn't entirely for her benefit. After everything the sergeant had done to support Amanda, she was entitled to enjoy this experience just as much. "I want you to let go of some control too, Liv. This isn't only for me. I'm in a good place. I feel like I've already been really vocal today. Please trust me to ask for what I need if you're not already givin' it to me."

"Mhm." Olivia nodded. "I'm really proud of you by the way."

Amanda reached a hand up to grasp Liv's messy ponytail, gently pulling out the elastic that held it in before throwing it across the room. "I'm proud of us."

The younger woman then placed her own hand on top of the fingers that rested on her hip, and ushering it off and away was the only remaining cue Olivia needed to go back to her previous movements, remembering to use a little more pressure than she had been earlier.

The blonde once again tangled her fingers in the older woman's hair, pulling her close and allowing their breath to mingle together. Liv smiled with each gasp that escaped her, leaving wet kisses along her neck and collarbone. When Amanda found herself rocking her hips back and forth in time with the movement of Olivia's fingers, she ceased all movement, which Olivia noticed immediately.

The sergeant's mouth left the now moist skin of Amanda's neck so that she could establish eye contact with Amanda. "It's okay, love. That's a natural response –let yourself keep doing it. See how it feels."

When she continued the consistent rolling movement against the brunette, Olivia made a point to press slightly harder with her fingers each time Amanda's hips rose to meet her hand, and the rhythm of it was enough to take the blonde's breath away. "Does that feel better?"

Amanda gulped in air with every breath, her pulse quickening with each stroke between her legs. "God, I can't believe I've been missin' out on this my whole life."

Olivia stilled her hand only temporarily, as a way of getting Amanda's attention. "Shh, baby, don't go there. Stay here with me."

Amanda nodded. This was not the time to be zoning out or to be thinking about the past and future. Regardless of how it turned out, this day would change the detective's life forever, and she needed to experience it. She deserved to experience it fully.

So the blonde closed her eyes, focusing on the pleasant burn low in her abdomen and the friction of her body meeting Olivia's fingers. She turned her attention to the sergeant's lips, which were everywhere all at once, and the feeling of soft hair, that also gave off the smells of vanilla and pure comfort. She thought about how good it all felt, how her and Olivia fit together like two pieces of the most beautiful puzzle.

God, how good it all felt. Too good.

Without warning, Olivia felt Amanda grab her by the forearm, weakly pushing it away.

"I don't think I can do this, Liv. It's too much. Please stop."

Even after Olivia stopped the movement of her hand, which was as soon as she heard the words "I don't," Amanda kept up the pressure on Liv's forearm, as if she hadn't expected the request to be handled so easily and hadn't realized her girlfriend had obeyed the command. "Okay. Hey, I'm not touching you. Breathe for me, sweetheart." Once the blonde had regained her composure, heart still pounding, Olivia brought her hand to rest gently on Amanda's thigh. She didn't know what had happened, but she wanted to fix it. "Let me ask you a question. What's the most important thing?"

Amanda remembered all their previous conversations. "That I feel safe."

Olivia nodded. "Do you feel safe with me?"

It was an unnecessary question, and yet Amanda didn't blame her girlfriend at all for asking it. "Of course."

"Good," the brunette breathed. "Then that's all that matters. We can stop here if you need to. We can even just take a little break and talk."

Amanda shook her head, realizing she had made a big mistake. "I don't wanna stop, I just feel overwhelmed and anxious."

The other woman didn't know if asking would just add to her nerves, but it was the natural progression of the conversation they were having, "Do you know what's making you anxious?"

"Um, I think..." she faltered before sighing. "It's like what we talked about earlier."

"Well then," Olivia enunciated, "let's start with this. What I'm doing-does it feel good?"

Amanda nodded. "Better than anything I've ever felt."

Olivia nodded, an understanding smile gracing her features. "Is this the most intense it's gotten for you?"

The younger woman swallowed hard before inhaling deeply. "By like a lot."

"Okay," the brunette thought, "so you're feeling things that you've never felt before and that can be scary. Do you want to call it a night?"

Amanda knew this was coming, and she hated it. She knew what she wanted, but it was the exact same thing she was scared of. The anxiety she was feeling now was mostly due to the thought of stopping, and she realized she was no longer feeling overwhelmed. Maybe she did just need a break. "No, I don't want to stop. I just don't want to be scared. I want this."

"I know you don't want to be scared, my love," Olivia acknowledged with a sad smile. "I don't want you to be scared either, but if you are, we can't ignore it."

A string of simple sentences left Amanda's throat. She didn't seem to be capable of much more in the state she was in. "No, I'm really okay. I think I just needed a breather. I know that I'm safe with you. I want to keep going. I feel better."

"Are you sure?" Olivia was skeptical, but she had full faith in Amanda's capability to speak up for herself these days. Although she did still worry that her arousal was interfering with her ability to make a necessary decision, the fire in the blonde's eyes as she answered the question gave no room for doubt.

"I've never been more sure."

Olivia figured that as long as they were taking a break, she might as well use this time to share some more information with her girlfriend. "Sweetheart, I want you to know that this is going to be intense for you because there's been a lot leading up to this, and you probably need some kind some kind of emotional release. I don't want you to try and stop yourself from screaming or crying because you may need that too."

"But if I start cryin', you're gonna wanna stop."

Olivia nodded. Ordinarily, she would definitely want to stop, but she was also aware of the fact that the release Amanda needed wouldn't necessarily be pretty in the traditional sense. Olivia of course thought anything the blonde did was breathtakingly beautiful, but Amanda often still often expected herself to be quiet and docile. "I know that emotion isn't always a sign of distress. I trust that you'll let me know if you need to stop."

Amanda reached up to caress one of Olivia's cheeks. "I will."

"If you want to keep going, you have two jobs right now, okay?"

"Okay."

"Number one is breathe. It's okay if your breathing is rapid, but you do need to oxygenate." Amanda smiled softly at Olivia's nerd use of the word "oxygenate" before returning her attention to the words she spoke. "Number two is let yourself feel. Even thinking 'this feels good' can help keep you in that space. I need you to trust that I wouldn't let you hurt. I have you baby. Allow your body to take the leap. I promise I'll catch you."

The detective took one more deep breath in and out before nodding, holding Olivia tighter than ever. "I'm ready for this," she promised, feeling the fingers of Olivia's right hand moving across her inner thigh, before pausing for a moment in order to cup the entirety of Amanda's swollen lips.  
"I love you," she whispered, once again letting her thumb brush softly over the sensitive skin. Olivia wanted Amanda to feel as if her body was being worshipped, revered, and appreciated to the fullest   
extent.

The younger woman smiled softly, most of her anxiety leaving her body along with an intentional breath. "I love you too," Amanda purred, bringing her lips to meet Olivia's again, sighing in relief when she felt two skilled fingers return to her clit.

Quickly the intensity of before returned, the blonde's pulse racing and breathing becoming labored. This time, however, she welcomed it, along with the increasing pressure between her legs. Each time she thought the sensation of Olivia massaging her couldn't get any better, it did, and the feeling burned inside her, the love of her life fanning the fire as it raged.

She felt the urge to push down against the mattress, a pleasurable tension building in her pelvic region. Amanda had never known pleasurable tension before, but she decided she wanted to experience it for the rest of her life.

Olivia smiled, practically seeing the wheels turning inside Amanda's brain. This was happening, and there was no question about whether the younger woman wanted it.

Four staccato syllables. "Oh-liv-i-a."

The brunette had an idea of what her girlfriend was trying to tell her, and leaned down to kiss a closed eyelid. "Yeah?"

"Don't. Stop."

"I won't baby, I promise. Let go for me." Music to Liv's ears, she happily continued the ministrations, making sure to gather wetness from Amanda's entrance every so often to keep her comfortable. At this point, the blonde might not even be able to notice an excess of friction, and Liv didn't want her to be sore later. The sergeant allowed Amanda to hold her face close to hers, and Olivia wouldn't have taken her eyes off of the expression on her girlfriend's face for the world. Watching her was pure heaven.

Liv felt Amanda grind into her hand once, twice, thrice, before her entire body tensed, eyes squeezing tightly shut, and tears streaming down her face.

Amanda saw rainbows.

White hot pleasure.

Fireworks shot out from the spot Olivia was touching her, and they exploded in her stomach, her fingers, her toes, the burst escaping her throat through a strangled cry.

And then there was quiet. Only the sound of her racing heart remained, and it took her almost a full minute to register the sensation of Olivia's fingers trailing along her thighs, her arms, her stomach.

Her chest continued to heave, and her eyes remained closed, but the detective reached out blindly for Liv's hand, squeezing firmly to communicate that she was okay. She felt Olivia's lips on her temple. 

"Take your time," she intoned gently.

"Give me a minute to remember how to move," Amanda wheezed after a minute or so, "and then I'll happily return the favor."

Olivia chuckled, grateful for the offer, but she actually wasn't in the space to receive at the moment anyway. She had too experienced an intense emotional release. "How about you rest now, and we can go for take two tomorrow?"

"Are you sure?" Amanda didn't want Olivia to think she wasn't open to the idea.

"Yeah, baby," the brunette laughed gently. "You're still crying," she observed, reaching to wipe a falling tear. "I have no problem taking this slowly, my love. We have the rest of our lives."

A comfortable warmth enveloped her heart and made her limbs heavy, but Amanda didn't feel held down.

She was flying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This was an intense one to write, but it was a deeply moving process as well. I spent two weeks on this chapter, so I hope the time and effort comes across.   
> I'm so sorry for the wait with this chapter, but arguably, this is the most important one and I wanted to get it right. Hopefully, the disgustingly long length of it will make up for the wait. One more chapter left! Thanks for sticking with me, my friends, and you all have a surprise to look forward to in the A/N of the last chapter!  
> -Gabby


	10. Something More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Last chapter last chapter last chapter! If you haven’t reviewed yet, please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.  
> Thank you everyone for reading, and I hope you enjoy the final chapter, along with the novel of an author’s note at the end!  
> I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a TRIGGER WARNING to anyone who is especially sensitive to the subjects of sexual assault and explicit sex. ANGST TO COME!

Something Good  
Part 10: Something More

Amanda registered awareness of her surroundings slowly the next morning. As she came to, the first thing she noticed was comfort. 

Warmth.

Olivia.

The blonde felt an arm draped protectively over her naked form and soft fingers absently playing with her hair. The sergeant must have awoken before Amanda did, and the younger woman debated letting her know that she was conscious. On one hand, if she pretended to still be asleep, she could spend as much time as she wanted just lying there in Olivia’s arms, which would be heavenly. But on the other hand, the sooner the brunette knew she was awake, the sooner they could resume the previous night’s activities—heaven squared. 

Amanda’s decision was quickly made for her, however, as she began to feel pressure build in her nasal cavity. Shit. She had to sneeze. The crinkle in her nose gave her away before the gross explosion of snot could.

Olivia smiled softly to herself, reaching to her bedside table to grab a tissue before offering it to Amanda, who’s eyes were still closed. She pictured her first words to her girlfriend this morning as being a bit more romantic than “tissue?”, but the domestic nature of the interaction was soothing to the brunette.

Amanda nodded, this time opening her eyes. “Danks,” she lisped out, still possessing some crud in her nose. This was not a sexy way to begin the morning. The detective blew her nose quickly, appreciating being able to breathe again. “How long have you been awake?” she asked after a moment, chucking the used facial tissue into the modest garbage can by their bed.

“Oh, not too long,” Olivia replied, pulling Amanda closer to her and resting their foreheads together. “How do you feel?” The older woman didn’t expect that Amanda felt awful this morning, but she did want to confirm with her that the previous evening had gone as well for the blonde as it had for her.

The wide smile that broke on Amanda’s lips immediately quelled any fear that Olivia was having. “I’m still workin’ on words,” the younger woman admitted. “You?”

“Good. I feel good,” she promised quickly, wanting to return her attention to Amanda. “You’re not sore or anything?”

The question caused Amanda to consciously take note of what was happening in her body. She frowned for a moment in confusion as she took stock, and the expression freaked Olivia out, to say the least.

“Oh my God, did I hurt you, baby? I—”

Amanda cut Olivia off mid panic. “No, no, no, Liv, that’s not why I made that face. I just realized…I’m not in any pain at all right now. I don’t hurt anywhere. I’m really relaxed.”

“Well, intense physical release will do that for you.”

“No, it’s not that.” Amanda realized that statement wasn’t exactly true, so she amended her words with a small smirk. “I mean, it is, but it’s more than that. I feel like a weight’s been lifted off my shoulders. I feel lighter.”

A smile returned to Olivia’s face. She didn’t remember anything happening the night before that would have made her girlfriend feel pain this morning, but causing the detective any kind of discomfort was her biggest fear, and it was a huge relief to hear that what Amanda was experiencing was the opposite of distress. “That makes me so happy to hear, love. I’m so proud of you.”

Amanda took a deep breath, wrapping an arm around Olivia’s waist and resting her hand on her lower back. “So last night...it was pretty intense. You said that it probably wouldn't be because I'd never done it before.”

The sergeant nodded. “Well, everyone’s different, but yeah, that's what usually happens. You actually came harder than I expected you to. I didn't even know if you'd be able to at all since you hadn't figured it out on your own yet.”

The blonde didn’t know what to make of that. “I guess I'm just atypical.”

Olivia shook her head. She didn’t intend to make her girlfriend self-conscious. She just had been denied the truth about sexuality for so long, it was important to the older woman that she speak with Amanda in an honest way. “No, you're just a person with a body as unique as your personhood. Nothing to stress over. I'm glad it worked out that I was able to be there for you, especially because of the intensity of what you felt.”

The detective sighed, feeling some relief. The last thing she wanted at this point was to be the girl who comes weird. “I was gonna say,” she began after a moment of processing, “if it gets even more intense than that, then...wow.”

“Well,” Olivia started, smiling softly, “it still might get more intense. Last night was so emotional for both of us, and it was absolutely incredible. Now we get the joy of exploring more and seeing what your body can do, if that's what you want of course.”

Amanda thought about it. There was more? She was capable of more? She wasn’t quite sure where to file this information in her brain. Fears? Things she’d rather forget? (That one was full!) Or could she allow herself to file it in a new location, something she was tentatively titling “more.” More good. More love. More joy. “Yeah,” she laughed awkwardly, “definitely.”

Olivia decided that while they were going down this road, it may be a good idea to ask one more thing of Amanda. “I do want to encourage you to keep exploring on your own now that you have some idea of what to expect. And if you ever feel stuck, we have what we did last night to go back to.”

“Yeah, no, I will.” Amanda wanted to occupy the “more” file with as much as she could. Liv was right the other day about breaking the dam—but now the blonde wanted to push as much water through as possible. “It’s just the intensity piece is hard for me cause I spent my whole life literally tryin’ to feel absolutely nothin’, so.”

Olivia smiled sadly at the reminder, wanting more than anything for the pain that Amanda had been through to disappear. There was nothing worse than watching someone she loved hurt, knowing there really wasn’t much she could do to take the pain away. “You’ve worked hard for this, sweetheart,” the brunette acknowledged, cradling a cheek in her hand, “and you deserve it.”

Amanda nodded. “I know that now.”

It was a rather interesting situation the blonde was in, she pondered, because though she genuinely did know that she was entitled to everything Olivia had been promising her that she deserved for months, she still experienced moments, now just fleeting flashes of doubt, in which she questioned that truth. So, though she was proud to proclaim to her girlfriend that she was aware of what she deserved, she was also deeply grateful for the occasional reminder. 

She also wanted to make sure that Olivia knew she was entitled to the same things Amanda was, and that they could still have a healthy sexual relationship that went both ways. “Are you gonna let me return the favor today?”

“Mhm,” was Olivia’s soft reply. She then cautiously added, “As long as you want to.”

“Of course I want to,” Amanda stressed. “I know you’re worried about me feeling obligated, but I’m not in that place anymore. I wouldn’t be offerin’ if I didn’t want to do it. I’ve been dreamin’ about this for months.”

The sergeant smoothed her hand over her girlfriend’s hair. “Okay,” she sighed. “I’m sorry I keep checking. I’m not trying to ruin the mood or anything.”

The younger woman watched Olivia bite her lip anxiously, and Amanda was struck by the way in which the brunette was apologizing to her. Did she want Olivia to stop asking if she was okay every thirty seconds? Of course! But did she want her to stop checking in entirely? Absolutely not! And more than that, the detective didn’t want Olivia to ever feel self-conscious about being as loving as she was. She just wanted her to relax a little bit, for her own benefit as well as for Amanda’s. “Hey, no, it’s okay, Liv, you’re not ruinin’ the mood right now. We’re havin’ a conversation about sex, and so it makes sense for you to check in. It’s just while we’re actually doin’ it, the pausin’ and asking takes me out of the moment, and then it’s hard to get back in. But not even that is more important than you bein’ confident you have a green light.”

Olivia nodded, but Amanda wasn’t convinced they were on the same page yet. “I just don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

“Hey, c’mere.” The blonde rolled them over so that Olivia’s head was resting on her chest, and since Amanda had decided to reverse their usual roles and give Liv a pep talk, she also added the sergeant’s quintessential touch of allowing her fingers to move languidly through her girlfriend’s hair. “Listen to me. You make me feel so safe. You do that just because you’re you. I don’t want you to feel like you have to ask about every little thing, but baby, if you do feel like you have to, then I want you to do it. You have a right to feel safe too.”

Olivia’s head bobbed up and down against Amanda’s chest. “You’re good at that by the way.”

Amanda hummed softly. “I’m a quick study.”

They were both silent for a few moments, the blonde considering how to word an effective summation of what she had been trying to say. She knew the only way to get it through Liv’s thick skull would be to repeat it with conviction. “You know, Liv, what I really don’t want for you is for you to feel bad in any way about receivin’. I’ve lived in that space for my entire life, and I could testify on the stand, under oath, to it bein’…well, in short, not fun. It’s not a good place to be, and I don’t want you to be there. You’ve spent the past year tryin’ to bail me out of ‘I-Don’t-Deserve-Pleasure-ville’, and now that I’m free, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let you switch places with me. Okay? So, if there’s anythin’--anything at all--I can say to you to absolve you of whatever guilt your feelin’, please tell me.”

A small smile graced Olivia’s lips, and she looked up at Amanda with watery eyes. “I think that was it.” 

The blonde’s fingers tangled even further into the mess that Olivia’s hair had become, and Amanda pulled her body entirely on top of hers, their lips meeting in a delicate kiss. The younger woman held her girlfriend securely as their mouths moved together, a hand coming to rest on her lower back. Amanda felt one of Olivia’s tears fall from her eye and land at the base of a nostril, the detective accidentally inhaling it. The sergeant pulled back as Amanda lightly chuckled. “Hot,” Olivia commented sarcastically.

Their eyes met meaningfully after the laughter had died down, Amanda reaching up to wipe the remnants of a few tears tenderly. “You deserve to be taken care of too, y’know. You don’t always have to be big, strong Sergeant Benson, not with me.”

Olivia nodded, tucking a strand of Amanda’s hair behind her ear. “I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you too,” the blonde breathed, trailing her hand up Olivia’s back so that both arms were wrapped around her neck. “What time are the boys coming?”

The older woman’s eyes moved up and to the left as she recalled her last conversation with Fin and Carisi. “Around six I think.”

“Well,” Amanda purred, tickling the back of Olivia’s neck, “if we’re not done by then, we can just postpone.”

The brunette attempted to laugh with ease, but couldn’t conceal the shiver that went down her spine at Amanda’s words. The detective was getting good at this. “Fin would have a field day.”

Amanda gave a quick nod in mock solemnity. “He deserves it.”

Olivia leaned down to press her forehead to her girlfriend’s. “Yes, he does,” she murmured, bumping her nose against Amanda’s. “But we have plenty of time. It’s only ten. Did you notice that you didn’t ask me what time it was?” On the surface, it probably didn’t matter much, but the sergeant couldn’t help but come to the conclusion that for the first time in Amanda’s life, it was worth it to live in the present. She didn’t feel the need to harp on the past or to worry about the future because the here and now was pretty damn good. 

The detective’s eyes were lost in the older woman’s, and it took her a minute to process the entirety of Olivia’s statement, but when she spoke, the brunette’s assumption was confirmed. “Who cares what time it is?”

Olivia noticed that Amanda’s eyes had darkened some, and her pupils had begun to dilate. She could clearly see the desire in her girlfriend’s expression. “Pee and food and then back to bed?”

“I like the way you think, Benson.”

After a relatively rushed breakfast, the two women returned to bed. Eventually, Amanda pulled back from a heated kiss. “Do you wanna get married?” At the stunned expression on Olivia’s face, the blonde chuckled. “I don’t mean now, just…at some point.”

The sergeant smiled, rolling them so she was on top of her girlfriend. “You’re getting good at having important conversations.”

Amanda attempted to regain the upper hand, but Olivia grasped both of the younger woman’s hands, gently pinning them to the bed and effectively restraining her. The detective was pleasantly shocked at this course of action. “You’re getting good at dodgin’ questions,” she observed slyly.

The brunette shook her head with a light laugh, and then leaned in to kiss a flushed earlobe, releasing one of Amanda’s hands. “Of course I want to marry you, but there’s something else I want to do first.”

The rush of warmth Amanda felt between her legs offended her greatly. “Uh uh,” she protested, just as much to herself as to Olivia. “We had a deal, Benson.” Amanda stilled Olivia’s wandering hand as it made its way down her waist. 

The sergeant gave her girlfriend’s hand a squeeze. “I’m renegotiating the terms of our agreement.”

Amanda feigned horror, dramatically ripping Olivia’s hand off her body. If the brunette had decided to play this game, the detective wasn’t going to give up without a fight. “You can’t do that!”

Olivia shook her head. “I can do anything I want!” she proclaimed indignantly, before amending slightly, “Kind of.”

Both women erupted into a fit of giggles. They were laughing. They were teasing each other in a sexual context and laughing. This was exactly what Amanda had spent her whole life never allowing herself to want—a relationship that was as lighthearted as it was passionate. 

In the course of their laughter, Olivia released both of Amanda’s hands, so the blonde finally had leverage to roll them back over. “Liv,” she said softly, noticing the look of disappointment on her girlfriend’s face in response to the maneuver, “are you trying in your ‘I’m Olivia Benson and I can’t be vulnerable’ sort of way to tell me that you would like to make love to me first?” 

Amanda never liked the phrase “making love”. Maybe it was because it was too mushy, maybe it was because it was never an accurate description of what sex looked or felt like for her, but regardless of the reason, she said it in this moment because it’s what naturally flowed out of her, and she didn’t want to question what felt right anymore. 

Olivia nodded. “I’m sorry. I just know I’ll be able to let go more if I’m not worried so much about you.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Amanda murmured, rolling off of Olivia and lying beside her. “You’re allowed to have preferences. And I want to do whatever I can to help you feel comfortable too.”

A small smile took up residence on Olivia’s lips as she turned to further face her girlfriend. The past year of their relationship had been a whirlwind of a journey, and she had never felt more confident that things would work out. It hadn’t necessarily been a storybook romance, and there certainly had been some bumps along the way, but my, how beautiful the rainbow they had created together was. “Thank you, love.”

Amanda hummed, pulling Olivia’s face to hers. “You’re very welcome. Now kiss me.”

The sergeant obliged, reaching to untie the robe the blonde had put on earlier when they had left the bedroom for breakfast. Recognizing the gesture as a good idea, Amanda did the same with Olivia’s robe, and in only a few seconds, both garments were discarded on the carpet beside the bed.

Only a few months ago, the idea of Olivia’s weight heavy against her body would have sent the younger woman spiraling. But this morning, it was grounding, and Amanda welcomed the change when the brunette pulled her lips from her girlfriend’s in favor of pressing them against the warm flesh sitting atop her chest. Amanda enjoyed this version of Olivia—the one that had a desire and simply acted in response to it. It was spontaneous and sexy, but still it felt unbelievably safe as the sergeant kept an eye on Amanda’s face the entire time, watching for any sign of discomfort. 

Olivia’s lips moved slowly down Amanda’s torso, landing eventually on her right hip bone as the older woman settled between her legs, looking as if she intended to stay there a while. The brunette nipped lightly at the skin below her, feeling the blonde’s fingers wind delicately into her hair. Olivia had been attempting to travel this path for days, and Amanda could tell what the brunette was hesitating to initiate.

“Liv,” Amanda sighed, brushing some hair out of Olivia’s face and searching soulful brown eyes, “I know what you want to do, and it’s okay. I trust you.”

Olivia rested her hands on either thigh in front of her, using it as leverage to lift herself up to better converse with Amanda. “The thing that I’m worried about is that this is the most intimate and physically vulnerable thing we’ve done, and I won’t be able to talk to you the whole time.”

Amanda involuntarily smiled. “That’s okay. I wanna try new things. I know I’m safe.”

Olivia nodded, inhaling deeply as she watched Amanda spread her legs apart farther in something of an offering. If she thought too much about the power of the trust the detective was placing in her, Olivia knew her breath would catch painfully in her chest. God, Amanda was beautiful, and the grin playing on her lips made the older woman’s heart melt. 

“What are you smiling at?” Olivia asked softly, letting her fingers caress Amanda’s bent knee.

“You’re just cute,” the blonde explained with a slight shrug, “and I can feel you thinkin’.”

The older woman’s hands traveled down Amanda’s inner thighs, both wrapping around and coming to rest lightly on a pair of hips. “I’m just taking it all in,” she breathed, “and to be honest, I’m also sort of coming up with a plan.”

The corners of Amanda’s lips perked upwards, but her brow furrowed. “You have done this before, right?”

Liv playfully shoved one of the thighs that rested next to her face. “Of course I have!” the brunette avowed. “I’m just a little nervous,” she eventually admitted.

God, Olivia was cute. Amanda had to force herself to wipe the smile off of her face. “How can I help?”

Olivia thought for a moment. Why was Amanda offering to help her? It didn’t quite make sense on the surface, but it occurred to the brunette that she was the only one scared in this situation. Amanda, though definitely turned on, otherwise seemed cool as a cucumber. She took a cleansing breath. “So, I love that you want to do this,” Olivia started, “and I definitely do too.”

The tone in the sergeant’s voice concerned Amanda. “So, what’s the problem, Liv? I want it, you want it, the light’s real green.”

Olivia chuckled, pressing her lips once more to Amanda’s hip. “It’s not a problem, per se,” she prefaced, “but it occurred to me that because you’re so sensitive, if we go too fast…Mm. If you’re still sensitive from last night—sweetheart, I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“You’re not gonna hurt me, baby.”

Amanda was so sure. Olivia wished she had that kind of confidence in herself. “Well, I’m not going to hurt you on purpose. That goes without saying.” How to transition to her next thought? “You move a lot, which is totally okay, but if you buck too hard into my mouth, I might not be able to pull away fast enough, and if your body isn’t ready, it probably won’t feel good.”

“Kind of like when I hurt myself the first time I tried,” Amanda concluded, Olivia nodding in agreement. “Okay, well how about you just hold me down in the beginnin’ so I don’t do that?”

The sergeant spoke slowly in response, not entirely sure if Amanda knew what she was asking of her. “You want me to hold you down?”

The blonde put her own hands over her girlfriend’s. “Just to stop some of those involuntary movements,” she rationalized. “Liv, I don’t think you’ll hurt me. You have been so gentle, much more gentle than I ever was with myself. But I don’t want you to be worried the whole time. This is a solution.”

Olivia couldn’t stop her eyes from watering. “You trust me that much?”

Amanda’s answer was immediate and clear. “Of course I do. I trust your judgement and I trust your love. I trust your tenderness and I trust your respect. I trust you with my life, Olivia. And I trust you with this.”

The younger woman felt the pressure from Olivia’s hands increase incrementally over the course of several seconds. It really just felt like a gentle squeeze. It was safe and Amanda knew it. “If you need me to let go—”

The sergeant didn’t need to finish. “I will tell you. I trust you. Please trust me.”

Olivia nodded. “I do.” Another shaky inhale as the brunette leaned in closer to her girlfriend’s body. “I’m guessing no one’s ever…?”

Amanda shook her head. “Never even close. Have no idea what to expect.”

The words added to Olivia’s nerves for a moment, but what she eventually heard in them wasn’t fear, it was excitement. The older woman nodded slowly. “Okay, so I’m basically just going to start out kissing you, and we’ll move slowly. Does that sound okay?”

Amanda once again tangled her fingers into Olivia’s hair. “Sounds more than okay.”

“You’re feeling a little tense, love. Do you think you can relax for me?” Olivia asked with a light squeeze to both of Amanda’s hips, noticing she had yet to lay her head back on the pillow.

“Yeah, sorry.” The blonde exhaled audibly. 

“You don’t have to be sorry, sweetheart,” Olivia murmured into coarse public hair, taking a moment to press a kiss into the skin she found. “Just wanted to remind you.” 

It was odd how a touch that was so sexual by nature could simultaneously be so incredibly soothing, but as Olivia continued her gentle ministrations, soothed is exactly how Amanda felt. The detective knew her girlfriend was being impossibly careful, but as she relaxed into the touch, Olivia’s hold on her became less about holding her down and more about holding her close. Amanda didn’t think she could get closer to Olivia if she tried, but she still did try, pulling the sergeant’s face as tightly against her as she could manage. This somehow felt better than the brunette’s fingers against her. Liv had been right—this was more intimate and more vulnerable—but that truth only added to the intensity of the sensations she was feeling. 

“Fuck, Liv.” They were the first words she had uttered in several minutes, which was mostly because she hadn’t been able to put together a rational thought before. She didn’t need to. Olivia was learning her body incredibly quickly, and all the blonde really needed to do at this point was urge her on.

The brunette couldn’t help the small smirk at the sight and sound of Amanda letting go. She knew it wasn’t always an easy task for her, and Olivia felt honored to be even a small part of it. She reached up one of her hands and gently rested it over a pert nipple, Amanda intertwining their fingers together, squeezing in response to a rather firm stroke of Olivia’s tongue. 

“I love you,” she panted, feeling a now semi-familiar knot begin to form in her belly. Olivia simply squeezed her hip three times in a row, not wanting to break the consistency of the contact in order to return the sentiment. Amanda knew what she was saying, and the intimacy of it was only a fleeting thought as she determined she was close and reminded herself to focus on what she was feeling. “Feels so good,” she muttered out loud, mostly to herself, but she wasn’t ashamed to let Olivia hear it. The brunette squeezed Amanda’s hand tightly in hers, wanting to ground her to the present moment and to remind her that she was safe to let go.

And let go she did, the hand wrapped around Olivia’s head pulling her impossibly closer. The older woman felt Amanda’s chest heave under their joined hands and after several more seconds, she ceased the movement of her tongue, opting instead to place featherlight kisses over every inch of skin she could reach. She gave Amanda some time to recover, waiting until her breath had returned to near normal speed before kissing her clit softly once more, noticing one last twitch under her lips and hearing a gentle whine above her.

The detective reached aimlessly for her girlfriend, her eyes still tightly shut. Liv got the message rather quickly and moved up Amanda’s body, lightly kissing her lips. “Hey,” the younger woman whispered weakly, wrapping an arm around Olivia’s shoulders. “Don’t go anywhere,” she commanded.

Olivia chuckled, nuzzling her nose into Amanda’s neck. “I’m staying right here, my love,” she promised.

“Mm.” Amanda stretched her legs eventually, moving to free herself from under Olivia. “Tell me what you like,” she softly invited, reaching for the bottle of water on her nightstand. The brunette had brought two bottles into their bedroom after breakfast. You never know when you’re going to have a hydration emergency.

“Well,” Olivia sighed, “I’ve told you before that I’m a direct kind of girl—” Amanda laughed at the verbiage, lying back against her pillows and deciding to allow her limbs to be heavy and warm for a little while longer—“but I’m not too picky otherwise.”

The blonde watched Olivia pull down her own underwear, becoming distracted for a moment. “I know you’re tryin’ to make this easy for me,” she said after pulling herself together, inviting her girlfriend to straddle her, Olivia deciding to hover slightly above Amanda’s hips, “but I think specific instructions will help more.”

Olivia nodded, a wicked smirk taking over her face. “Okay,” she smiled, “give me your hand and make a V with your fingers.”

Amanda lifted her hand in front of her own face and examined it quizzically as she moved her fingers apart in the way she guessed Olivia had meant. “Yeah, like that,” the older woman laughed, carefully grasping her wrist and moving it towards her body. “Are you okay with me doing this?” Liv checked. She had been waiting for this moment longer than Amanda had, but she was willing to wait forever if her girlfriend wasn’t ready. 

“Mhm,” Amanda confirmed. She was slightly nervous about this because she knew that she had no idea what she was doing, but Olivia had always been a good guide, and the worst thing that could happen is they would need to try again another time. 

“So, just try to relax your hand,” Olivia encouraged softly, placing her own fingers over Amanda’s, “and I’m going to guide you. Let me know when you get a feel for the movement.”

It was smart of Olivia to direct the younger woman through feel rather than through verbal instruction. It made this process less awkward and unbelievably more sexy. The two women’s eyes met as Olivia pulled their joined hands in between her legs, and the blonde’s eyes softly closed as she felt her fingers become engulfed in warmth. It didn’t feel like this when she touched herself. She could have kept her hand against Olivia forever. This was like a warm hug. 

Amanda forced her eyes open when she felt the inside of each of her fingers touch what she assumed was Olivia’s clit. She desperately wanted to see the brunette’s face, and the sight she was met with was worth the struggle to open her eyes. Olivia had slid her lower lip between her teeth, and her head was thrown back in relief, exposing the muscles of her neck. The detective sat up and wrapped her free arm around Olivia’s waist, bringing her lips to her girlfriend’s throat and feeling her swallow hard.

The older woman slid their joined hands further back until her clit was tucked snugly between the base of Amanda’s fingers. “Back and forth,” she whispered, ever so slowly moving their hands back to the starting position.

“Slowly?” Amanda asked, observing the snail-paced movement her girlfriend was guiding her through and noting that if Olivia did that to her, it would drive her crazy. Different strokes for different folks, she found herself thinking.

Olivia nodded, resting her forehead against Amanda’s. “As slow as you can,” she clarified.

“Okay, let me try,” the blonde insisted, wanting so badly to make Olivia feel as good and as taken care of as she had made her feel. The older woman released her hand, reaching an arm around to hold her close. “Like this?” she asked after a few moments. “Does this feel good?”

Olivia practically groaned. “So good.”

What an ego boost! “Better than Mindy?” Amanda teased.

The sergeant’s eyes snapped open just long enough for her to roll them. “Shut up.”

Amanda stopped the movement of her hand, a beaming smile playing on her lips. “Is that a yes?”

“Amanda.” Her speech was halting. “Please.”

The blonde pressed her lips to Olivia’s temple before resuming the movement of her fingers. Amanda reveled in the sweat accumulating on her girlfriend’s brow, in the way she could hear her heart race, in the blush forming on her breasts, and in the way she could practically feel Olivia vibrating all around her. It was intoxicating, and it was obvious that the older woman was enjoying herself too, which is why Amanda was confused when Olivia stilled her hand. “Wha—did I do something?”

The brunette shook her head. “No. You feel amazing,” she heaved. “I just want to be sure….We can stop if you want.”

“Look at me, Liv,” Amanda directed lowly, waiting for the sergeant’s eyes to clear enough to connect with hers. “Thank you for checking in. But I haven’t had this much fun—ever. Don’t worry about me. I want you to let go.”

Olivia’s head bobbed against Amanda’s forehead, and after a moment she released her hold on her girlfriend’s wrist. “You good?” the blonde asked, resituating herself and getting ready to continue.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good.” It occurred to Olivia that this wasn’t the end of their journey over the rainbow. Having a healthy sexual relationship would be a practice (like the best yoga ever!), something they needed to work at often so that they could establish and maintain a system for how things would work between them, so that they could both give and get the most out of every time they connected. It would take time to achieve maximum fulfillment here, and it would take a lifetime to keep it that way.

But that was part of the fun.

“How do I know when you release?” Amanda asked after a minute or so of slow movements.

“You’ll feel it,” Olivia assured breathlessly, “and trust me, I’ll tell you.”

Amanda did feel it, and Olivia did tell her. The detective didn’t expect her girlfriend to be so loud, but she wasn’t disappointed in the sound, only a little surprised. She gleefully experienced the sensations of the older woman’s muscles contracting and her whole body tensing. After the brunette came down from her high, Amanda asked, “Good?”

Olivia smiled against Amanda’s shoulder. “Good,” she confirmed.

The two women laid down amongst the wrinkled sheets, sweat sticking them together. “So, uh,” Amanda thought aloud, “we had sex.”

Olivia giggled, pulling the woman who she considered her future wife slightly on top of her, resting her fingers in her hair. “Yeah, we did,” she affirmed proudly. “What do you think?”

Amanda’s thoughtful blue eyes met Olivia’s chocolate orbs. “It’s pretty great, I have to say. I’ve definitely never enjoyed givin’ this much, and I’ve never received before, period, so…I’m impressed.”

The SVU sergeant smiled, but it carried a twinge of sadness. She was happy to take care of Amanda in this way, to teach her and to love her in every moment, but she still wished things had been different for her. The blonde could sense the melancholy in the air. “I don’t want you to be sad, baby. I’m not sad anymore. I don’t want to waste any more energy on Patton or on anyone else I used to date. I just want to be here in this moment with you.”

Olivia nodded, gathering Amanda’s hair in her hand and pushing it over her shoulder. “What do you say we use this moment to take a shower?”

Amanda smirked, standing up from the bed without covering herself with her robe. “I’ll race ya.”

Later that evening, the women waited with Carisi and Fin for Barba to arrive. Outside of court, he was often fashionably late. When the doorbell rang, Amanda raced to greet the ADA, leaving the male detectives in the living room. “Hey! Thank you for coming!”

Rafael wrapped Amanda in a one-armed hug. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Happy anniversary, Rollins!” Olivia approached the door then, also greeting Barba with a hug. “Thank you for having me, Liv. I brought flowers.” He revealed a dozen roses, which Olivia took from him gratefully. 

“Thank you, Rafael. Please come in.” The brunette wrapped her free arm around her girlfriend’s waist. “Fin said the trial ended as well as it could have.”

“Did he tell you the jury came back almost immediately?” Olivia nodded. “Amanda ended up being my star witness.”

The older woman looked proudly at Amanda, and she shrugged, answering them both. “I'm just glad I was able to testify as an outcry witness.” 

Barba continued, “And that Ali testified before the grand jury before she killed herself. The combination of both testimonies completely discredited the defense.”

When Amanda didn’t respond, Olivia gently nudged her. “You okay, sweetheart?”

“Yeah,” she smiled softly. “All of this…it's just a reminder that not all of us survive, and I think that’s important to recognize.”

It was hard for Olivia to imagine a world in which Amanda Rollins didn't exist. She pressed her lips to the blonde’s temple, letting them linger for an extended moment as the detective’s pulse thumped beneath them. Afterwards she sighed, letting her hand move slowly up and down Amanda’s back. “How about I put these in some water, and then we go join the boys inside? I think they’re already drunk.”

Barba chuckled. “Oh boy.”

After some lighthearted banter between the SVU team, Barba piped up. “Hey, we should play ‘Never Have I Ever.’”

Fin and Carisi both looked skeptical, but Olivia just turned to Amanda. “You okay with that?”

She hesitated for a moment, before moving to sit entirely on Olivia’s lap, a gesture of PDA she never would have considered before. But hey, they were in their own house. “I’ve never been more excited to play this game.”

Like always, it came down to Amanda and Carisi. The junior detective on the squad clearly wanted to win, but he wasn’t sure if he should risk his signature move again. He eyed Olivia and then Amanda, and both women just chuckled, the blonde deciding to give him permission. “Say it, Carisi. It’s okay.”

“Alright, but remember you told me I could,” he disclaimed. “Never have I ever slept with someone of the same sex.”

Amanda smirked, linking the fingers of the hand that was no longer in play with Olivia’s. “By the way, Fin, nine is a little excessive.” She then dropped the last of her fingers like it was the proudest thing she had ever done.

And it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Alright, now that we’re all done crying (or at least I am), I just want to say a couple of things.  
> First! Thank you all so much for coming on this journey with Amanda and Olivia and putting up with my inconsistent updates. I wrote Something Good because I feel like stories like these are missing on fanfiction, A03, etc. (And from the original source material as well.) I’ve always wanted to tell real human stories in my writing, and I never, ever want to shy away from difficult subject matter—these are the stories that most desperately need to be told. I need to thank you all again for making this story (and me) feel so welcome in the last few weeks.  
> Second! I will not be continuing this story, but I am open to writing one-shots that take place in this universe, SO if there is anything in particular you all would like to see, please feel free to PM me, leave a review, or reach out on Instagram or twitter (faceinbud).  
> And third! I’m sure you all are wondering what the surprise that I mentioned in the last chapter is. Well, your wait is over (Haha, I’m being way to dramatic in this note). I will be writing another Rolivia fanfiction! It will not exist within the Something Good universe, but if you all want more Something Good, then you’re welcome to request a one-shot, friends! This particular story will be called “In the First Degree”, and it will follow Amanda through the immediate aftermath of an abduction and rape and the trial to follow. It may be a few weeks before I can post that, but I will post the link as Chapter 11 of this story so you all can find it.  
> Again, this story has been so rewarding to write, so thank you, thank you, thank you!  
> -Gabby


	11. New Story Posted

The first chapter of the new story is posted! Please visit https://archiveofourown.org/works/22947199/chapters/54853543 to read it. Here is a teaser. Thanks guys!

The floor was cold. Cold was all the detective would allow herself to think about. Cold was the only sensation she could handle in this moment. She needed to focus on something, anything, as she fought the warmth and comfort of the beckoning oblivion.

How long had it been?

How long had she been lying there, unable to move, willing herself to feel no pain—just cold.

How long had it been since he had left, and where did he go? She couldn’t turn her head to look. 

Had they found her phone yet? Did Olivia even know she was gone? How long until someone got to her? Or, even more inviting, how long until she allowed herself to let go, to slip away? Was surviving even worth it?

All Amanda had left was time, and she knew it was running out.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: If you made it this far, thank you! Please leave a review and let me know what you think. I haven't written fanfiction in many years, so I'm hoping this is okay! I'll definitely update faster if there is a response to this story. Thanks guys!  
> -Gabby

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Rose](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23356309) by [elphiemolizbethbau](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elphiemolizbethbau/pseuds/elphiemolizbethbau)
  * [I Can Wait](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23764963) by [elphiemolizbethbau](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elphiemolizbethbau/pseuds/elphiemolizbethbau)




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